The New Teacher Series
by Ben Breeck
Summary: What may be the ultimate self-insert Daria fan fiction series. Daria recieves a new history teacher for her senior year.
1. Dis-Orientation

Disclaimer

The Characters of Daria Morgendorffer, Quinn Morgendorffer, Jane Lane, Trent Lane, Jesse Moreno, Nick Campbell, Max Tyler, Kevin Thompson, Michael Jordan "Mack" MacKenzie, Brittany Taylor, Jodie Landon, Angela Li, Anthony DeMartino, and many more, even if not mentioned here, are the Creation of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis and Copyright MTV Studios. This story is in no way to be construed as a challenge to said copyright. 

Some of the events and persons mentioned in this fanfic did happen and do exist, but have been somewhat fictionalized. I myself have diverged from the alternate self shown here sometime in 1996. To those of you who may be offended, remember: this is a cartoon. This is not and could never be real. 

Permission is granted to repost, republish, or retransmit this work in any way, shape, or form as long as these disclaimers remain intact, and no one except Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, MTV Studios, or Viacom, the parent of MTV receive financial remuneration. 

Historians' Note: This story and its sequels take place in lieu of the prospective Season Five. 

Opening Sequence: 

Splendora's _You're Standing On My Neck_ has been replaced by _Man on the Moon_ by REM, and the following montage plays: 

A new male teacher looks resigned. Pan over to his students, who include Daria, Jane, Kevin, Brittany, Upchuck, and most of the rest of the gang in Daria's class. 

The teacher is in Principal Li's office, with narrowed eyes, and regards Li, who is yakking in grandiose terms, with a look of tired incredulity. 

Pizza King. The teacher is grading papers while hoisting a slice with pepperoni, bacon, onions, anchovies, and sun dried tomatoes. Pan to Daria, Jane, and Tom's booth. Daria is suspicious, Jane is startled, and Tom's face is neutral. 

A dance. The teacher approaches Claire DeFoe and says something. She blushes and takes his hand. Pan to Upchuck with a camera snapping a picture. 

The classroom again. The teacher pulls a sleeping Kevin's face up by his hair, removes some googly-eyed groucho glasses from his face, folds them, then drops Kevin's face back on his desk. Pan to Daria, Jane, and Jodie's approving glances. 

The Zen. Mystik Spiral is thrashing on stage, and Trent is singing like his life depends on it. Pan to the audience where one of the patrons is the teacher, who's looking rather unimpressed. 

Daria is at a street corner with Tom, who is speaking. He stops talking, his tongue cleaving to the roof of his mouth. At the exact same instant, she acquires a cold, angry look, says something between clinched teeth, and stalks out of the shot. 

The Zen. The teacher is up on stage and apparently doing a monologue. Pan to the audience, which includes Daria, Jane, and Mystik Spiral. Everybody is laughing except Daria. 

Closeup of Daria Smirking, which acquires an oval around it. Zoom into the Daria Logo. Super: Daria in: 

Dis-Orientation

The New Teacher Series, Episode 1:01 

A Piece of Daria Fan Fiction By Ben Breeck 

Scene: Lawndale High School. A young man, too old to be a student, but seemingly not old enough to be a teacher, is walking around the hall aimlessly, as if not knowing where to go. He is tall (6' 4") and thin, with short cut blond hair with a mustache to match. He wears a button down shirt vertically stripped blue and white, navy blue pants and a black leather belt, and medium sized wire frame glasses.[1][1] Pan to Anthony DeMartino who sees him, and gets angry. Pan through DeMartino as he walks up to the Young Man. 

DeMartino: Hey YOU, WHAT are YOU doing IN the HALL?!? The BELL for HOMEROOM hasn't SOUNDED YET!! Go TO the GYM! 

Young Man: Y-You must be Anthony DiMartino. Hi. My name is Benjamin Breeck. I'm the new history teacher. (Fumbling with his pockets) See, this is me. (Pulls out his wallet) 

DeMartino: (Looking in the wallet at the driver's license. Both eyes bulge) That BITCH! I had TENURE! I'll KILL her. I'll KILL the SUPERINTENDENT and the WHOLE GODDAMN BOARD!! 

Ben: (Taken Quickly Aback) Calm down before you burst an aneurysm, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. I'm supposed to replace a Mr. Paul Makuchek, who quit last spring. Could you direct me to Principal Li's Office? 

DeMartino: (Visibly Relieved) Oh, SORRY. False ALARM. LISTEN. GO to the NEXT fork, and HANG a RIGHT. The OFFICE of HELL is on the LEFT, just OPPOSITE the PENCIL vending MACHINE. 

Ben: Thank you, Mr. DeMartino. And call me Ben, if you will. 

DeMartino: SURE, and call ME Tony. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Principal Li's Office. Angela Li is working at a computer as her buddha statue sits facing the door on her desk. The sound of a door opening and shutting. Li Smiles and wheels to face the camera. 

Li: Good Morning. You must be Mr. Breeck. Please sit down. I'm Angela Li, the principal here at LAWNDALE HIGH. Funny, the picture made you look so much older and shorter. 

Pan to a side shot as Mr. Breeck does so. 

Li: I see that you have taken an incomplete tour of our institution. 

Ben: Actually, I got lost. 

Li: Really now? You are only seven years removed from High School yourself.[2][2] I thought you could easily negotiate the hallways. 

Ben: Sorry. My high school was much smaller. 

Li: (Handing a piece of paper across her desk) Here's a map of the school. Memorize it. (As Ben takes the map.) Now, I know the school board and the superintendent liked your credentials, but I must explain some rules to you. 

Ben: And what are they? 

Cut to Li 

Li: One: Be ever vigilant for drugs, guns, cheating and other deviant behavior. Our motto is "High security for high performance." No method or means of searching may be put aside. Two: No fraternizing with students and no romance between faculty members. It sets a bad example for LAWNDALE HIGH. (As she continues her speech, we pan to Ben, whose face takes on a look of tired incredulity. Pan back to Li) Three: Don't order anything to teach with not on the state list. Our budget is stretched enough with the standard textbooks. Four: No smoking except in the teachers' lounge. Five, no unlocking locked or barred doors except for fire drills and real emergencies. (Blinks) Any questions, Mr. Breeck? 

Ben: No. I don't think so. 

Li: (Enthusiastically extending her hand) Welcome to our family at LAWNDALE HIGH. 

Ben: (Reluctantly shaking it) Thanks, I think. (Thought Voice Over) What the hell have I gotten into? 

Cut to:   


A school bell ringing. Cut to: 

Scene: A classroom. Ben is standing in front of the class. He sighs with a resigned look. Pan over to his students, who include Daria, Jane, Kevin, Brittany, Upchuck, and most of the rest of the gang in Daria's class. Quick cut back to Ben. 

Ben: (Thought Voice Over) Oh, Dear, looks like nobody really wants to be here. Why did I get into teaching in the first place? (Out Loud) Good morning, class, though perhaps not as good as if this place burned down, wouldn't all of you say? 

Sound of a slight snicker from the class. 

Ben: (Handing a blank sheet of paper to the student at the front of the class at the end of the room next to the door) This is an attendance sheet. If you all could please sign it and pass it around, I can check it with my attendance book after class. My name is Benjamin Breeck. B R E E C K. You can call me Mr. Breeck, Benjamin, Ben, just don't call me Benjy, as it sounds too much like the dog. 

Pan to the class, which is all straight faces. Pan back to Ben. 

Ben: Ok, that may be a little too old for you all. Now, as your schedule indicated, you all are indeed in History IV, World Civilization. I'm planning a rather different section than my fellows for this course. (Picks up attendance sheet near the window.) Instead of learning all of what happened, we will instead learn what didn't happen, and therefore what did through Occam's Razor. (As Brittany raises her hand) Brittany Taylor, isn't it? What is your question? (Cut to Brittany, in the second row behind Kevin) 

Brittany: I thought that this was History, not Health or Cosmetology. (Cut to Entire Class) 

Class bursts into laughter, except for Daria. Cut to Daria at her desk. 

Daria: (Thought Voice Over) Gee, I wonder how Lawndale High holds these trophies for most Original Cheer with Little Miss Airhead as head cheerleader? (Cut back to Ben Speaking to the class) 

Ben: Occam's Razor is this: Eliminate the impossibilities, and whatever is left, however improbable, is the truth. I suppose that I can skip that the opening chapters of the book of Genesis didn't happen. I think that Janet Barch or Martin Ogilvie can give a more than satisfactory explanation in Geology or Paleontology. Lets deal with the Yangshao culture in China, instead. What didn't happen was a unified state. The Yangshao was a series of city-states that shared the same written language and the same cuisine. It was more reminiscent of Classical Greece or the Classic Period Maya than it was of the later Kingdoms and Empires, like the Shang and the Chin. Another thing that wasn't were the so-called "Dragon Bones." They were actually the bones of cattle... 

Cut to Daria 

Daria: (Thought Voice Over) Hmm... I think I might like this class after all. 

Commercial Break. Stinger: DiMartino yelling at Ben in the middle of the hall.   


Scene: In Front of the Morgendorffer Residence. The sound of a 1978 U.S. Ford Granada [3][3] driving away. Daria is adjusting her shirt as she makes her way to the front door of her house. (This is immediately after the events of the close of "Is it Fall Yet_?" ._ For the record, nothing happened between Tom and Daria more than heavy petting.) She opens the door. Cut to tight front shot of Daria in the doorway, with a shocked look. 

Daria: (Gasps) 

Jake and Helen: (Off screen, in chorus) DARIA! 

Daria slams the door shut. Cut to outside in front of the house. Daria has her back against the door and her hands are grabbing the edges of it. 

Daria: (Puffs Heavily) 

Jake: (offscreen) You can come in now, pumpkin. 

Daria: (Sighs in relief and opens the door.) 

Quick cut to Jake and Helen on the couch. Jake is rubbing lipstick off on his arms and adjusting his shirt, while Helen is putting some more lipstick on and adjusting her dress. 

Jake: So, Daria, how was your day? 

Daria: Well, aside from my reconciliation with Tom, which I believe you saw just now, not too much. I got a new history teacher. 

Jake: (interested look on his face) Really, now? 

Daria: His name is Mr. Breeck and he seems to have a rather unusual way of teaching. 

Helen: (In a vaguely suspicious tone) Not like that show on t.v., what was it? "The Magic School Bus?" 

Daria: No, not like that. He is trying to teach what happened by teaching what didn't happen. 

Jake: That is odd. Anything else happen today? 

Daria: Well, except for Jodie and Mr. O'Niell double teaming me to try to join Drama Horizons for an adaptation of Anton Chekhov's _The Cherry Orchard_, Upchuck trying out a few new lines on me he learned over the summer, and some idiot playing around with potassium nitrate and sulfuric acid in chemistry, not much. It was an average first day for my Senior year. (To Helen) Were there any new interesting clients, Mom? 

Helen: No, I- Wait a minute? Why are you so interested in my work, Daria? Daria? 

Pan to Daria, as she walks up the stairs.   


Cut to: 

Scene split screen between Daria's room and Jane's, as they talk on the phone. 

Daria: And when I got in the door, mom and dad were making the beast with eight limbs and two heads. It shocked me worse than the yelling they gave me for it. 

Jane: I wouldn't be so shocked. I used to walk in on Mom and Dad in the front hall all the time, back when they stayed in town for more than ten days at a stretch. So, what do you think of our new teacher? 

Daria: He's all right. (Lips quirk into a Mona Lisa smile and she changes her voice to imitate his tone) And as you can see, passing a cord through a hole in a wooden beam does not a pulley make. In fact it's barely a hoist. 

Jane: (Giggles Slightly) Gee, who would have thought that the pyramids _weren't_ built with the help of large aquaducts that carried water through mountains and cliffs from Aswan to Giza, to power a hydraulic ram to lift the giant stones into place? 

Daria: (resuming her usual tone) Or that there weren't river locks of any sort on the Nile, Tigris, Euphrates, or Indus? 

Jane: Or that the Pyramids _weren't_ used as beacons for UFOs? 

Daria: To Professor Benjamin Breeck, Master of the Obvious! 

Jane: Although I do think that Artie might be a little out of his depth with him.[4][4]

Daria: That reminds me. How is he going to afford those texts he put in the syllabus with Angela Li and her budget? 

Cut to:   


Scene: Carter County Mobile Home Park Cut to one of the mobile homes with the lights on. Silhouette of someone stirring something on a stove . Cut to Interior of the mobile home. Ben is stirring a wok, and miscellaneous vegetables, meat slices, and grains of rice are flying around in it. 

Ben: (Thought Voice Over) That wasn't too bad. But I think that Li's fears for her school might become a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

Ben stops stirring and removes the wok from the stove, turning it off. He scoops some of what he has been making onto a paper plate, grabs a spoon, and walks over to the couch just outside the kitchenette. While lifting his spoon to his mouth, he clicks the t.v. remote. 

_Sick Sad World_ Announcer: Could the famous "Crocodile Hunter" in the land down under be a royal crock? We'll find out when _Sick Sad World_ returns![5][5]

Ben: (Thought Voice Over) It gets better every year. If only its accuracy was as good as its boldness. 

Phone Rings on wooden pallet serving as a T.V. dinner table.. Ben picks it up. 

Ben: Hi, mom. (beat) Yes, I'm doing fine. (beat) Not too bad. The faculty seems right out of a bad sitcom. The principal is a control freak. (beat) Yes, worse than Herr Speer.[6][6] She even tried to make me spy on the students during lunch break. (beat) One of my fellows in the department is rather irritable. (beat) No, he would make Mr. Westrick look like Mr. Rogers.[7][7] (beat) Then there's this guy in English. Makes Mr. Rogers look like Saddam Hussein. I think there's something wrong with him. (beat) I student taught worse. (Slight smile, beat) I think there may be at least three people in my classes who want to learn. (beat) Yes, that _is_ unbelievable. (Beat) Yes, that cherry cheesecake was wonderful...[8][8]

Commercial Break. Stinger: just after looking inside the house. 

Commercial: 

**Voice Over: On the next episode of The New Teacher Series, Daria has a few doubts about Lawndale High's newest faculty member.**

**Scene: Pizza King. Daria, Tom, and Jane are at their usual booth.**

**Daria: There's something vaguely familiar about our new teacher.**

**Voice Over: And the class gets some new books.**

**Scene: The Classroom. The class is glancing at copies of some paperbacks on their respective desks.**

**Jodie: What is this book?**

**Voice Over: All this and more, next week!**

End Commercial   
  


Scene: Classroom, Mr. O'Neil is in front of the classroom, which is filled with students including Daria, Jane, Kevin, and Brittany. 

Mr. O'Neil: So, in Utopia, there really isn't such a thing as currency, and gold is used mainly for weighing down prisoners and slaves. (as Daria raises her hand) Yes, Daria? 

Pan to Daria 

Daria: You might say they're sheckeled to their cells. 

Cut back to Mr. O'Neil 

Mr. O'Neil: (chuckling a little) That's really funny, Daria. You might consider doing a humor column for the _Lawndale Lowdown_. 

Cut to Daria 

Daria: I just might do it, the next time Hellheim burns down.[9][9]

Cut back to Mr. O'Neil 

Mr. O'Neil: (missing the clue) That's Great! I'll tell Jodie. 

Daria: (Thought Voice Over) Here we go again... 

Mr. O'Neil: (Resuming his lecture) The Utopians also think of pleasure as the goal of man, before virtue. Of course they have a hierarchy of pleasures. Sort of like the poetry rating system in that literature textbook in _Dead Poets' Society_. Yes Kevin? 

Cut to Kevin 

Kevin: Wasn't that the one where Robin Williams played that messed up teacher? 

Cut to a facefaulting Mr. O'Niel 

Cut To:   


Scene: Lawndale High School Hallway. Daria and Jane are walking along in the hallway. 

Daria: Well, It looks like I'm going to talk to Jodie and straighten things out. I would have thought that Mr. O'Neil would have been a little more swift to that one. 

Jane: It could be worse. He could have volunteered you for the jazz band. 

Daria: Right you are there, Jane. I wonder what Mr. Breeck will say today. 

Jane: (In her impersonation voice again) And today we learn that the Nazca lines were made by cobbling boulders and combing sand in the desert, and they were _not_ runways for extraplanetary craft. (Giggles) 

Daria: (in her Mona Lisa smile) Maybe Quinn should have him. (Straight face again, pointing) Speak of the devil. 

Pan across the hall to: 

The Fashion Club (Sandi, Quinn, Tiffnay and Stacy) is collectively walking along. 

Sandi: What's up, Quinn, I thought we were your _friends_. 

Quinn: You are, but... 

Sandi: But what? 

Quinn: Well, I remember what Aaron said. If I don't try to get good grades so that I can get into a good school so that I can make a lot of money, I won't be able to afford to stay fashionable.[10][10]

Tiffany: Even if it means associating with geeks and _losers_? 

Quinn: Would you rather I have to buy _generic_ brand shirts? _Generic_ brand makeup? 

Sandi: No, but college is at least two years off. Couldn't you wait a little? 

Quinn: No, I couldn't. I need to get some studying done now. 

Sand, Stacy, and Tiffany exchange looks, then nod their heads once. 

Stacy: Then we have no choice. 

Quinn: (Concerned Look on her face) A forced Fashion Sabbatical? 

Tiffany: Much worse. 

Sandi: Like, we're ejecting you from the Fashion Club. 

Quinn: (Begging) But I like it here, please let me stay. I'll even wash your car. 

Sandi: That's too, too bad. 

Stacy and Tiffany, in chorus: Later. 

Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany turn on their heels and walk in a different direction. Quinn starts bawling. Pan back to Daria and Jane. 

Daria: Gee, did you see what I think I saw? 

Jane: I think so. 

Daria: I almost regret it. 

Jane: Why is that? 

Daria: Partially because it means that she'll have no more excuse to call me her cousin. Partially it is because she got this for trying to stand up to the mess she was making of her life. Mostly because I'll have to listen to her bawling through the paper thin walls separating our rooms. (Mona Lisa Smile) Literally paper thin. It's made from fake stucco. 

Jane: Come on now. Remember when you dressed up to steal away Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie?[11][11]

Daria: That's different. Then she was trying to have her cake and eat it too. Besides, I have to think about Tom. 

Jane: Look on the bright side. She'll probably take a couch trip with Mrs. Manson and may even get into Mr. O'Niell's self esteem class. 

Daria: When my luck is good, it's wonderful. 

Cut to:   


Chez Pierre. Daria and Tom are at a table, eating. 

Daria: (Between Bites) And so you have it. I now have Arthur Conan Doyle for a history teacher and Miss Caturwall for a sister. If it were a Friday, I would stay at Jane's. 

Tom: That's not too bad. I keep having problems with Elise. It's just the same old story. 

Daria: But I'm worried. This could either turn her into someone I might actually like having for a sister, or it could destroy her. 

Tom: Some interest in the welfare of another. Looks like you're a human being after all. 

Daria: Not really. It's just the sooner she gets over with this the fewer nights I'm up. That's all. 

Tom: Daria, about that teacher, what do you know about him? 

Daria: Next to nothing. Why? 

Tom: No reason. Just trying to change the subject. 

Daria: I know. I have a better idea for a subject. 

They kiss. 

Roll Credits. Closing Theme: _Intergalactic_ by the Beastie Boys. 

Makeovers:   


Ben as Sherlock Holmes 

Mr. DiMartino as Swamp Thing 

Daria as Wendy Thomas (Daughter of Dave Thomas, founder of _Wendy's_ Hamburger Chain) 

Jane as Elmyra Fudd from _Tiny Toons_

Quinn as a Race Car Driver 

Angela Li as a Geisha 

Jake as an Orchestra Conductor 

The Fashion Club (minus Quinn) as a three-headed giant 

Hellen as a lion tamer 

Daria Logo   
  


Notes: 

1. Yes, that really is how I look. 

2. Frankfort High School Panthers Class of '93 

3. Tom's car is way too big to be any sort of Jag, and Daimlers were never seen in the U.S., therefore it has to be a Granada 

4. See _The Lawndale File_. 

5. In real life, I like shows like _Sick, Sad World_, but I know that they are strictly fiction. 

6. Middle School Principal. You really don't want to know about him. 

7. Another bad experience I had in school. 

8. Yes, This is really how I and my mom talk on the phone. 

9. Hellheim is the Norse Hell, and is as cold as Antarctica 

10. This is in reference to the events near the end of _Is it Fall Yet?_

11. See _Quinn the Brain_   


   [1]: #1
   [2]: #2
   [3]: #3.
   [4]: #4
   [5]: #5.
   [6]: #6
   [7]: #7
   [8]: #8.
   [9]: #9
   [10]: #10
   [11]: #11



	2. Books, Books, and More Books

Disclaimer

The Characters of Daria Morgendorffer, Quinn Morgendorffer, Jane Lane, Trent Lane, Jesse Moreno, Nick Campbell, Max Tyler, Kevin Thompson, Michael Jordan "Mack" MacKenzie, Brittany Taylor, Jodie Landon, Angela Li, Anthony DeMartino, and many more, even if not mentioned here, are the Creation of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis and Copyright MTV Studios. This story is in no way to be construed as a challenge to said copyright. 

Some of the events and persons mentioned in this fanfic did happen and do exist, but have been somewhat fictionalized. I myself have diverged from the alternate self shown here sometime in 1996. To those of you who may be offended, remember: this is a cartoon. This is not and could never be real. 

Permission is granted to repost, republish, or retransmit this work in any way, shape, or form as long as these disclaimers remain intact, and no one except Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, MTV Studios, or Viacom, the parent of MTV receive financial remuneration. 

Historians' Note: This story and its sequels take place in lieu of the prospective Season Five. 

Opening Sequence: 

Splendora's _You're Standing On My Neck_ has been replaced by _Man on the Moon_ by REM, and the following montage plays: 

Mr. Ben Breeck looks resigned. Pan over to his students, who include Daria, Jane, Kevin, Brittany, Upchuck, and most of the rest of the gang in Daria's class. 

Ben is in Principal Li's office, with narrowed eyes, and regards Li, who is yakking in grandiose terms, with a look of tired incredulity. 

Pizza King. Ben is grading papers while hoisting a slice with pepperoni, bacon, onions, anchovies, and sun dried tomatoes. Pan to Daria, Jane, and Tom's booth. Daria is suspicious, Jane is startled, and Tom's face is neutral. 

A dance. Ben approaches Claire DeFoe and says something. She blushes and takes his hand. Pan to Upchuck with a camera snapping a picture. 

The classroom again. Mr. Breeck pulls a sleeping Kevin's face up by his hair, removes some googly-eyed Groucho glasses from his face, folds them, then drops Kevin's face back on his desk. Pan to Daria, Jane, and Jodie's approving glances. 

The Zen. Mystik Spiral is thrashing on stage, and Trent is singing like his life depends on it. Pan to the audience where one of the patrons is Ben, who's looking rather unimpressed. 

Daria is at a street corner with Tom, who is speaking. He stops talking, his tongue cleaving to the roof of his mouth. At the exact same instant, she acquires a cold, angry look, says something between clinched teeth, and stalks out of the shot. 

The Zen. Ben is up on stage and apparently doing a monologue. Pan to the audience, which includes Daria, Jane, and Mystik Spiral. Everybody is laughing except Daria. 

Close-up of Daria Smirking, which acquires an oval around it. Zoom into the Daria Logo. Super: Daria in: 

Books, Books, and More Books   
A piece of Daria fan fiction by Benjamin Breeck   
Episode 102 of The New Teacher Series 

  
  
  
  
  
  


Scene: Lawndale High School. Daria and Jane are walking along in the hall. 

Jane: So, how was the the first date of the rest of your relationship with Tom? 

Daria: Not too bad, though I wish you wouldn't put it in quite those terms. 

Jane: Not to bad, eh? Must have been better than any of mine, then. 

Daria: I'm not you, so I wouldn't know. (Points off screen) Would you look at that? 

Pan to where Daria is pointing. Ben has a big cardboard box he is balancing on his shoulders, maintain the shot as he walks past Daria and Jane. Pan back to Daria and Jane. 

Daria: I think that this must mean our books have arrived. 

Jane: How long do you think before Mr. Breeck is called on the carpet for a hose down? 

Daria: Oh, three weeks at the latest. I think that's when the next school board bribe is due. 

Jane: Think they'll be more worth reading than the stuff we already have? 

Daria: Well, considering that the standard textbooks have a most recent copyright date of 1974, I think that that is quite within the realm of possibility. 

Jane: I just _love_ Li's spending priorities. 

Daria: (lips quirk into Mona Lisa smile) 

Cut to:   


Scene: Classroom. Ben is in front of the class. Today, he is wearing a purple plaid flannel shirt and kakhi cargo pants. 

Ben: The new books have just arrived. (Bending over a box) I am going to give them to you now Please take one of each and pass them back. The one in the back of the row can then carry any spares back to my desk. Oh, yeah, and could each of you please sign the attendance sheet? (Hands a stack of paperback books to the first kid in the row) 

Pan to Jodie's desk. She is examining her books. She picks one up. 

Jodie: What _is_ this book? 

Quick Cut to Daria's Desk 

Daria: (Thought Voice Over) Let's see here, we have "Fantastic Archeology," "Elizabethan Propaganda: How Shakespeare's Historical Dramas Haunt History Today," "101 Historical Facts Everybody Got Wrong," "Denying the Holocaust" by Deborah Lipstadt, and "Loony Theorists of the Twentieth Century." I think I'm impressed.[1][1]

Cut to Ben 

Ben: Those are the rest of our textbooks. Don't worry, you will only have to read them for the midterm and the final. Yes, Jane? 

Cut to Jane 

Jane: This is awfully long reading. 

Quick Cut to Ben 

Ben: True, but I think you can fit it in between now and May. (Beat) Now, any more questions? (beat) Yes, Daria? 

Pan to Daria. 

Daria: Where did you get these? 

Cut to Ben. 

Ben: http://www.skeptics.org/bookstore/ they give a 45% discount on bulk purchases.[2][2]

Cut to Daria. 

Daria: (Thoughtful look, Thought Voice Over) Maybe I ought to check that place out. (in a more evil tone of thought voice over) I wonder how Quinn's taking Esteem Class? 

Cut to:   


Scene: Mr.O'Neill's Room. Mr. O'Niell is up in front of the class. 

O'Neill: Welcome to our new Self Esteem Class this year. As you know, I'm Timothy O'Niell, and here all of you will learn how to get along with yourselves to get to know the youness within and banish that poor self-esteem. Yes? 

Pan to an anonymous male student, wearing a Cincinnati Bengals T-shirt and black denim pants. 

Student: You're sick, dude. I don't have no second personality named Eunice. 

Cut to O'Neill 

O'Neill: (Smiling) I meant You-Ness. Y-O-U-N-E-S-S.[3][3] (As he continues to talk, we cut to the student, who slaps his head.) Anyway, I thought we could start by having everybody introduce himself or herself. Lets start with you. 

Pan to another student, one which we have seen before. 

Other Student: Hi, I'm Robert Head, but people always call me "Bobby Bighhead." According to Dr. Manson, I have low self-esteem. 

Pan to next student, Andrea 

Andrea: Hi, I'm Andrea Flynn, and I've just shattered Jane Lane's old record for most appearances in this class. Maybe it's because I listen to real hard rock and wear dark clothes. Maybe it's because Dr. Manson is a dolt who follows the trends of psychology the way the Fashion Club chases the latest fad in clothing and cosmetics. Myself, I think this class is an idiotic waste of time that I could better spend in study hall.[4][4]

Pan to Quinn. 

Quinn: Hi I'm Quinn Morgendorffer, and I (starts to sound whiny) I just got thrown out (Starts sobbing) of the _Fashion Club[5][5]_. (Is now bawling unintelligibly) Waahh!! Uuww Waahh!! 

Pan to Mr. O'Neill's shocked face. 

Cut to:   


Pizza King. Daria, Jane, and Tom are at their usual booth. 

Tom: And so he says "I'll have Pompoms Frites." 

Jane laughs so hard she snorts out pizza sauce. Daria's lips quirk into a Mona Lisa Smile. 

Tom: So, how were yours and Jane's day today, Daria? 

Daria: Well, we just doubled the number of textbooks we have to carry, courtesy of Mr. Breeck 

Jane: I just broke in a new kiln for Ms. DeFoe. 

Daria: I straightened out things between myself, Jodie, and Mr. O'Niell about the _Lawndale Lowdown_. It's _so_ wonderful to see a grown man cry. 

Tom: (pointing off screen) Speaking of Mr. Breeck, Daria, would you say that that's him over there, based on your descriptions of him? 

Pan to a small table, where Ben is grading papers between bites of a large thin crust with pepperoni, bacon, anchovies, and onions. Pan back to the booth, where Daria and Jane have acquired shocked expressions. 

Jane: How could a _teacher_ choose _pizza_? In the _afternoon_? 

Daria: And why _Pizza King_, of all places? 

Tom: Well, it's not as if we saw him at the Zen, now is it? 

Daria: (Thoughtful look) True. (Face twists into an expression of suspicion) 

Jane: Daria, I don't like that look 

Daria: I swear I've seen him somewhere before. I just can't place it. 

Pan over to Ben marking a paper while hoisting a slice. Pan back to Tom, Daria, and Jane. 

Commercial Break: Stinger: Ben grading a paper at Pizza King.   


Scene: The Zen: Mystik Spiral is performing on stage, trying out a new tune. Pan to the audience which includes Daria and Tom at one table, and Jane and an (as yet) unknown guy with shoulder length blond hair, red vinyl jacket, blue jeans and tennis shoes. (For the record, this is NOT Wind Lane.[6][6]) 

Daria: Fancy meeting you here, Jane, and with a new beau, I see. 

Jane: Go to hell, Daria. 

Unknown Beau: Please, Jane. 

Jane: (to both Beau and Daria) I'm only kidding. Anyway, Isaac, meet Daria and Tom, Tom and Daria, Isaac. 

Daria: (Deadpan) Hi. 

Tom: (A little friendlier) Hey. 

Isaac: (Definitely Friendly) Yo. 

Daria: So, where do you come from? 

Isaac: Originally, I'm from Indiana, but like the Hank Snow [7][7] song, I've been everywhere. 

Daria: (with narrowed eyes) Indeed? 

Tom: (To Jane) So, where'd you meet him, or should I ask? 

Jane: Well, I was picking out some whole wheat spaghetti for Mom when I bumped into him and we both fell down. 

Daria: (Interrupting) And it was love at first sight? 

Isaac: No, not really. I just barely bit back from cussing her out. I was checking out the shrimp chips. I fell down and twisted my ankle. She apologized and helped me to my car. 

Jane: As we were walking, we got to talking about various subjects. Art, literature, movies, that sort of thing. 

Isaac: I never believed that anyone could be more in the dark about the meaning of _Waiting for Gadot_ than me! 

Daria: So something clicked? 

Jane: No. Then I met him again at _Box Office Video_ three days later. He helped me pick out a selection for that week's bad movie night. That's where we hit it off. 

Isaac: When Craven does them good, he does them good. When he does 'em bad... 

Daria: So you were the one who picked out _The Serpent and the Rainbow_? (Looks up to the stage) Looks like the set's over. (Pan to the stage) 

Trent: We're Mystik Spiral, and we'll be back for another set. (To the band) Okay guys, take ten. 

Max gets up from the drum set while Nick and Jesse un-sling their guitars and place them on stands, then walk off stage. Cut to Daria, Tom, Jane and Isaac as Trent walks over to them. 

Trent: Hi, Janey. Hi, Daria. Hi- (Does a double take at Isaac) Whoa, Wind, is that you? 

Isaac: Who's Wind? 

Jane: He's our elder out of the house blond heartthrob of a brother. Trent, let me introduce Isaac Bowman, my new boyfriend. Isaac, this is my other elder brother, Trent. 

Trent: (offering his hand) Hey, Nice meeting you. 

Isaac: (shaking it) Any time. 

Trent: What did you think of the set? 

Isaac: Not too bad. Jesse, that guy with the base guitar, he can really play. And that drummer Max has a good rhythm. Now, if you really learn how to sing and the band can pull together as a band, you could be the next Red Hot Chili Peppers. 

Trent: Really? (Nick comes up from off screen and whispers into Trent's ear as Isaac nods his head.) Well thanks Isaac. Gotta get back on stage. 

Daria: That was rather mean of you Isaac, pumping up their hopes like that. 

Isaac: I meant every word I said. They really got potential. 

Daria: (Thought Voice Over) Jane, Jane, Jane, what have you gotten into? (Out loud, to Tom) Tom, it's about my bedtime. 

Tom: Okay. Well, I'll see you tomorrow afternoon, Jane, and I hope to see you again too, Isaac. 

Isaac: My shift at _Box Office_ should be over by 4:00, tomorrow. 

Jane: Bye, Bye, Daria. 

Daria: See you. 

Daria and Tom exit the shot. Pan up on stage. 

Trent: Hello and welcome once again to the Zen. We're Mystik Spiral, but we're thinking of changing the name. As you may recall, I'm Trent Lane, that's Jesse Moreno on bass, Nick Campbell on rhythm guitar, and Max Tyler is behind the drum set. This next song is one that got us our new recording contract with the Trash Weasel label. Hit it. 

They begin playing _Freakin' Friends_

Cut to:   


Scene: Morgendorffer Residence. Daria opens the door and begins walking up the stairs. 

Helen: (Off screen) Daria! 

Daria: (Whirls around. Pan to put Helen into the shot with Daria) Mom! 

Helen: Do you know what time it is, and on a school night, at that? 

Daria: (sighing) It's only 9:30, well within the curfew, even on a school night. 

Helen: You're starting to act like Quinn. 

Daria: (visibly irritated) And suddenly that's a bad idea? 

Helen: It is when it interferes with your studies. 

Daria: And you always want me to do those extracurricular activities that interfere with my studies. 

Helen: But Daria, colleges love that sort of thing. 

Daria: No thanks to you, I joined the _Highland Howdy_ as the fashion reporter. It was a living hell of an assignment. 

Helen: Daria! 

Daria: Mom, I really don't want to talk about it right now. It's near my bed time on a Thursday night. I'm going up to bed. 

Daria turns and exits the shot. Pan to shot of Daria ascending the stairway. 

Helen: (off screen) Wait, Daria! 

Cut to: 

Scene: Daria in the upstairs hall. Quinn is wailing her voice out. Daria stops by Quinn's room and bangs on the wall next to her door, three sharp pounds. 

Daria: Cut it out, Quinn. 

Cut to:   


Montage (Music: _Tossing and Turning_, by Ivy League): Daria in her room, she turns out the light, lays down, and closes her eyes. Close up as she opens them up again and sighs. 

Daria putting cotton balls in her ears. Close-up on her face as she acquires an irritated expression. 

Daria throwing darts at a dartboard. Pan to the dartboard, where Todd's face is at the bullseye, flanked by the faces of Quinn, Sandi, Upchuck, and Principal Li. 

Daria playing _Doom _on her computer, with a mod that turns various demons into members of the Fashion Club, B*witched, the Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees, and Mr. Buzzcut. Daria's computer persona is wielding the chainsaw. 

Daria reading _Flatland, a Romance of Many Dimensions_ by Edward Abbot while gritting her teeth. 

Daria playing Tetris at relativistic speed. 

Daria in front of her TV, looking extremely frazzled. There is snow on the screen. She clicks the remote. Close up to the screen as the _Sick Sad World_ Globe and Eye display prominently. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Quinn's room. Quinn is sitting on her bed with her head resting on her hands. Pan to the door, where Daria has just walked in. 

Daria: Could you please tone it down? It's three in the morning for crying out loud. 

Quinn: (Lifts her head up. There are visible circles around her eyes. Whether this is a result of crying or sleeplessness cannot be discerned.) I'm sorry Daria. I can't sleep. 

Daria: (Walks over to Quinn's makeup table, grabs the chair, swings it over to Quinn's bed and sits down in it backwards) Want to talk about it? 

Quinn: Daria, why are you so concerned? It's really none of your business. 

Daria: Because your keening is keeping me from being rested for three pop quizzes tomorrow and that padding in my room is rotten as sound insulation. Now I'd advise taking my offer before I retract it. 

Quinn: It was because I decided to keep up this learning kick. When they objected, I insisted I wanted to be able to afford to stay fashionable. Then they kicked me out. (Whining) BUT THEY WERE MY FRIENDS. 

Daria: Are they really your friends? I would never treat Jane the way Sandi's been treating you. Jane wouldn't treat me that way either. Hell, even _I_ wouldn't treat you that way. 

Quinn: But you stole Jane's boyfriend! You tried to steal Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie! [8][8] I'd _never_ do that to Sandi! 

Daria: Hey, that's different. _Tom_ kissed _me_, [9][9] without my consent, and I quickly told Jane about it. As for the other, I was trying to remind you of what you would be missing if you chose the path you were going down at that time. If you had given up on them, so would I, and I would have been actually proud of you. 

Quinn: What about Stacy and Tiffany? 

Daria: What about them? You know far more about them than I do. 

Quinn: Well, Tiffany can't really see that she isn't fat, or on the road to getting fat. Stacy is rather nice, but she booted me out along with Sandi and Tiffany. (Whining) BUT I THOUGHT SHE WAS MY FRIEND! 

Daria: Well, she always seemed a little insecure, to me. She seems to be weighing the friendship of two people against the friendship of just one. 

Quinn: (Sarcastic) Thanks for the reminder, Daria. 

Daria: (Unfazed) What you need to do is unconvince her of the validity of that math. Show her that to compare a single genuine friendship as not worth two phony friendships is just the same thinking as believing Primo to be better than Giorgio simply because of the lower price of the former. 

Quinn: But how do I do _that_? 

Daria: That is for you to figure out. (gets up) Now, get your beauty rest so I can get mine. Oh, and one final thing. 

Quinn: Yes, Daria? 

Daria: When you've had enough of Timothy O'Niell during your study hall, I have the answers to the self-esteem Exit Test if you want to cheat your way out of the class. [10][9]

Quinn: Thanks Daria. 

Daria: Don't mention it. 

Commercial Break. Stinger: Daria stuffing cotton balls up her ears. 

Commercial: 

**Voice Over: On the next episode of The New Teacher series, Daria finds an extracurricular activity that she actually likes.**   
**Scene: Quinn walking outside.**   
**Quinn: Like a game show run by the athletic association? Eww!**   
**Voice Over: And her parents have a little explaining to do.**   
**Scene: Morgendorffer Residence. Daria looking rather pissed off.**   
**Daria: You did _what_ with that money?**   
**Voice Over: All this and more! Next Week!**

End Commercial   


Scene: Classroom: Mr. O'Neill is in front of the class. 

O'Neill: And so as those tapes said, there's always something that makes each of us special. Yes, Quinn? 

Pan to Quinn: 

Quinn: Mr. O'Neill, could you please give me the test? 

Cut to O'Neill 

O'Neill: But Quinn, are you really ready, I mean, you seem to have made a lot of progress. I wouldn't want you to get so depressed you backslide. 

Cut to Quinn 

Quinn: (With a broad smile) Oh, I think I'm ready. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Classroom: The lights are out and Ben is in front of the class, commenting on a slide show. 

Ben: And so we see, It wasn't an act of God that thwarted the Assyrian conquest of Judah, simply bad sanitation. (Bell Rings, Ben flips on the lights) For over the weekend, I want you to debunk some historical myth about the Ancient Greeks. And by the way I have your quizzes here in the out box. 

Cut to shot of everyone grabbing a paper from a wire basket on Ben's Desk, use several angles of it. Daria walks up to Ben. 

Ben: Uh, Why aren't you leaving, Daria? School's out for this week. 

Daria: Could you answer me a question? 

Ben: Shoot. Is it about the course? 

Daria: Actually It's about you. Have you ever been to Highland? 

Ben: Highland? 

Daria: Trick Question. There are actually three Highlands in Texas[11][10]. Before I moved here, I was a student at Highland High School in Erath County. 

Ben: Actually, I've never been to Texas before I moved here to teach this year. Why do you ask? 

Daria: I swear I've seen you before. I just can't remember where. 

Ben: Now that you mention it, you yourself do look kinda familiar. (startled look) Tell me, do you have an older sister who went to Clinton's first inauguration [12][11] with those high scholars from Texas with those two idiots who made Dave Thomas and Rick Moranis in _Strange Brew_ look like Albert Einstein and Enrico Fermi? 

Daria: Actually, that was me. And those two idiots were named Beavis and Butthead. 

Ben: (Shocked) No Kidding? But you're seventeen! Then how... 

Daria: Am I still in high school after seven years? (Sour Expression) You can blame the Erath County Board of Education for a second-rate acceleration program and the Texas Division of Schools and Education and those jokers in Austin for their inflexible graduation requirements. (Mona Lisa Smile) You might say that I had my fill of school spirit over there. (Beat) Who were you? 

Ben: I was part of the other high school to attend the inauguration, the one from Kentucky. I saw you and them in the bookstore in Union Station. At least, I believe that was you and them. 

Daria: Now I remember. I believe you had longer hair, no glasses or mustache, and were wearing a green heavy coat. 

Ben: Yep, that's me. 

Daria: It's a good thing I was able to stop Beavis and Butthead's attempts to come on to your girlfriend. 

Ben: (Deadpan) Yeah, I could have gotten expelled, sued, and charged with two counts of first degree manslaughter. 

Daria: May I ask another personal question? 

Ben: You just did, and you can ask a fourth, as well. 

Daria: What was her name, if I'm not prying? 

Ben: Her name was Kim, and I was buying her a present. (trails off) 

Daria: What happened with her? 

Ben: (Regarding her with a haunted look) I don't want to talk about it. 

Cut to:   


Scene: The sidewalk outside Lawndale High. Stacy Rowe is walking home. 

Quinn: (Off Screen) Wait up, Stacy. 

Stacy: (looking over her shoulder) Quinn? 

Pan to Quinn running toward Stacy. Maintain the shot as Quinn slows down and reaches Stacy. Keep Quinn and Stacy in the shot. 

Quinn: Listen Stacy. I know I was a little aloof... 

Stacy: What's that? 

Quinn: Distant, stuck up, snotty. 

Stacy: (quickly retorting, angrily) Yeah, you really were aloof then. 

They start walking. Maintain the shot. 

Stacy: (Angry Voice) Yeah, so, what's your point, Quinn? 

Quinn: (Visibly hurt)Stacy, I've always been there for you. I've put in a good word when it looked like you were going to get kicked out of the Fashion club. I've helped get you dates with the football team. 

Stacy: (vague tone)I guess so. 

Quinn: The point is, why are you now turning away from me? 

Stacy: Well, I've known them so much longer. 

Quinn: But they treat you like dirt! Remember the time Sandi made you shine her shoes for allegedly committing a fashion don't that turned out to have been fully sanctioned by _Waif_? She didn't even apologize even after we showed her the picture. Or that time Tiffany borrowed your full bottle of mascara and then gave it back empty? Without replacing it? 

Stacy: I see what you mean. (thoughtful look) Come to think of it, you _did_ stand up for me lots. Listen, I'm sorry I voted to kick you out. If I had been thinking clearly, I wouldn't have. 

Quinn: (In a playful tone) What vote? As far as I'm concerned, it didn't happen. 

Stacy: This calls for a celebration. I'll buy you some double chocolate chip ice cream. 

Quinn: I have a better idea, let's double date. I'm free tomorrow. 

Pan to:   


Scene: Daria and Jane are looking on at Quinn and Stacy from across the street. 

Daria: (Deadpan) I think I've created a monster. 

Jane: I don't know, she could always reject the conditioning. 

Daria: Possible, or lick me to death. 

Jane: Who would have thought that Quinn would get over the Fashion Club? 

Daria: (Mona Lisa smile) Miracles can happen, I suppose. (beat) Next thing you know, they'll expel Upchuck. 

Jane: I wouldn't count on it. That Mr. Buzzcut from Highland you keep talking about might join the faculty. So, Mystik Spiral is playing at McGundy's tomorrow night. Think you could take Tom along? 

Daria: Okay, but not before I and Tom see _Men of Honor_. 

Jane: Deal. We'll meet you there. 

Roll Credits. Theme: _Little Miss Can't Be Wrong_ by the Spindoctors. 

Makeovers: 

Daria as Joan of Arc 

Jodie as an Auto Mechanic 

Ben in a gi kicking out a board 

Quinn as one of the sugar plumb fairies, complete with maroon dress with tutu, insect wings, and antennae 

Isaac as Jon Bon Jovi 

Tom as a private detective out of a 30's detective novel 

Stacy as Hester Pyrne from _The Scarlet Letter_

Daria Logo 

Notes: 

1. Those are titles to real books. 

2. And that's a real address, too. 

3. That quote stolen from Aaron Soloman Adelman. You'll find out exactly where. 

4. I know Andrea seldom speaks, but I think that this would be an appropriate time. 

5. That occurred in our previous episode, Dis-Orientation 

6. From _Lane Miserables_. 

7. Thanks to Robert Nowall for that bit of infromation. I originally was going to say Johnny Cash. 

8. See _Quinn the Brain_. 

9. See _Dye Dye, My Darling_. 

10. She got them from Jane in _Esteemers_. 

11. That's actually true. One is a suburb of Dallas-Fort Worth, one is a suburb of San Antonio, and one is in Erath County and is in no place in particular. 

12. I (and the rest of Frankfort High School, in Kentucky , save people who had to do detention) did go to Washington D.C., to see the Inaguration. Highland High going to see the innaguration was mentioned in the _Beavis and Butthead_ episode _Citizen Butthead_ and in _Beavis and Butthead do America_. 

   [1]: #1
   [2]: #2
   [3]: #3
   [4]: #4
   [5]: #5
   [6]: #6
   [7]: #7
   [8]: #8
   [9]: #10
   [10]: #11
   [11]: #12



	3. Pedantic Team

Disclaimer

The Characters of Daria Morgendorffer, Quinn Morgendorffer, Jane Lane, Trent Lane, Jesse Moreno, Nick Campbell, Max Tyler, Kevin Thompson, Michael Jordan "Mack" MacKenzie, Brittany Taylor, Jodie Landon, Angela Li, Anthony DeMartino, and many more, even if not mentioned here, are the Creation of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis and Copyright MTV Studios. This story is in no way to be construed as a challenge to said copyright. 

Some of the events and persons mentioned in this fanfic did happen and do exist, but have been somewhat fictionalized. I myself have diverged from the alternate self shown here sometime in 1996. To those of you who may be offended, remember: this is a cartoon. This is not and could never be real. 

Permission is granted to repost, republish, or retransmit this work in any way, shape, or form as long as these disclaimers remain intact, and no one except Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, MTV Studios, or Viacom, the parent of MTV receive financial remuneration. 

Historians' Note: This story and its sequels take place in lieu of the prospective Season Five. 

Opening Sequence: 

Splendora's _You're Standing On My Neck_ has been replaced by _Man on the Moon_ by REM, and the following montage plays: 

Mr. Ben Breeck looks resigned. Pan over to his students, who include Daria, Jane, Kevin, Brittany, Upchuck, and most of the rest of the gang in Daria's class. 

Ben is in Principal Li's office, with narrowed eyes, and regards Li, who is yakking in grandiose terms, with a look of tired incredulity. 

Pizza King. Ben is grading papers while hoisting a slice with pepperoni, bacon, onions, anchovies, and sun dried tomatoes. Pan to Daria, Jane, and Tom's booth. Daria is suspicious, Jane is startled, and Tom's face is neutral. 

A dance. Ben approaches Claire DeFoe and says something. She blushes and takes his hand. Pan to Upchuck with a camera snapping a picture. 

The classroom again. Mr. Breeck pulls a sleeping Kevin's face up by his hair, removes some googly-eyed Groucho glasses from his face, folds them, then drops Kevin's face back on his desk. Pan to Daria, Jane, and Jodie's approving glances. 

The Zen. Mystik Spiral is thrashing on stage, and Trent is singing like his life depends on it. Pan to the audience where one of the patrons is Ben, who's looking rather unimpressed. 

Daria is at a street corner with Tom, who is speaking. He stops talking, his tongue cleaving to the roof of his mouth. At the exact same instant, she acquires a cold, angry look, says something between clinched teeth, and stalks out of the shot. 

The Zen. Ben is up on stage and apparently doing a monologue. Pan to the audience, which includes Daria, Jane, and Mystik Spiral. Everybody is laughing except Daria. 

Close-up of Daria Smirking, which acquires an oval around it. Zoom into the Daria Logo. Super: Daria in: 

**Pedantic Team**   
A Piece of Daria Fan Fiction By Ben Breeck   
Episode 103 of The New Teacher Series. 

  
  
  
  


Scene: Lawndale High. Daria and Jane are walking through the hall. 

Daria: So, which emotion did you pick out of Mr. O'Neill's Hat? 

Jane: Anger, and you? 

Daria: Shame. 

Jane: Ain't English IV something else? 

Daria: Yeah, not even Van Driessen was this pathetic. 

Upchuck: (Off screen) Hey girls, want to take a cruise on this love boat? Growr. 

Pan to Upchuck. Pan back to Daria and Jane's hostile faces. 

Daria: Careful, Upchuck, you might run into a glacier and sink. 

Cut to Upchuck 

Upchuck (grinning lecherously): Ooh, Feisty. 

Pan Back to Daria and Jane 

Jane: We really don't have time for this. 

Daria: I'll take care of it. (Walks over to Upchuck. Maintain the shot as Daria reaches him.) 

Upchuck tries to cop a feel. Daria grabs him by the crotch. 

Daria: (Conversational tone) Upchuck, please don't take this the wrong way, but I really don't like you. I despise you. I think that you are a sleaze who needs to learn what it means to be made an object of before you can be fit to join the majority of humanity. If I wasn't already attached to someone, I would teach that lesson myself. I suggest you beg to learn from Andrea or maybe Ms. Barch. In the meantime, if you dare to speak to me as if I were a potential one night stand at a singles bar, or try to touch me, anywhere, regardless of the reason, I'll castrate you and make you eat your nuts. Then, I'll get _really_ unreasonable. Do we have an agreement? 

Upchuck: (Nods his head) Yipe! 

Daria: (Releasing his crotch as she pushes him down and walks toward Jane) That'll keep him at bay until report cards come out. 

Upchuck scrambles up and exits the shot. 

Jane: It's a pity his memory doesn't last longer. 

Daria: He's like a dog. You gotta punish him when he makes the mess.[1][1]

Cut to:   


Scene: Classroom. Anthony DeMartino is in front of the class. 

DeMartino: And I would LIKE to CONGRATULATE Quinn MORGENDORFFER, The ONLY student in THIS class who got last week's question RIGHT. For the RECORD, the MUNICH Beer Hall PUTSCH was NOT a particularly nasty BREED of DOG. 

Pan to Quinn, Stacy, Sandi, and Tiffany. 

Sandi: Well, Quinn, you seem to be taking being a brain pretty well. 

Stacy: (to Sandi) Cut it out, Sandi. There are far worse things than being a brain. 

Sandi: Now you're siding with this loser too? 

Quinn: She is just being a real friend. Ever heard of such a creature? 

Sandi: Stacy, if you keep on doing this, I'll have to put you on fashion sabbatical. 

Stacy: I don't care. From now on, there'll be no more Fashion Club! I resign. 

Sandi: You can't do that, you'll lose your boyfriends. 

Tiffany: Yeah, like Chad. Remember him? 

Quinn: Oh, I think we can find more. I was beautiful before I joined the Fashion Club. I still am. And Stacy will still be too. 

Sandi: You're just dragging Stacy down with you, Quinn. The Fashion Club has a school charter. 

Quinn: A Fashion Club of two is much less believable than a Fashion Club of four. Good luck. (Beat, faces the front of the room) The female equivalent of the Hitler Youth was the Bund Deutschen Maedel. 

Pan to DeMartino 

DeMartino: Very GOOD, Morgendorffer. You even PRONOUNCED it RIGHT. 

Cut to:   


Scene: The cafeteria. Daria and Jane are eating Beefaroni, corn kernels, and some unidentifiable green stuff. 

Daria: Jane, I'm not sure about Isaac. 

Jane: Whoa, Daria. The last time you weren't sure about my boyfriend you stole him.[2][2]

Daria: (mildly irritated) Jane... 

Jane: Sorry, sorry. Didn't mean it like that. What's not to like about him? 

Daria: Well, for starters, he thinks Mystik Spiral might actually make it to Alterapalooza, (beat) as a featured attraction. 

Jane: Come on now. They aren't that bad. They're now recording on plastic with Trash Weasel.[3][3] Should be released just in time for Christmas. 

Daria: Trash Weasel would sign my Grandma Ruth. 

Jane: (Smirking) Might this be a sign of sour grapes? 

Daria: Never. 

Jodie: (Off Screen) Hey Daria. 

Daria: (wheeling around) The answer is no, Jodie. 

Pan slightly to put Jodie in the shot. 

Jodie: That's rather rude. I haven't even told you what it is I'm offering. 

Jane: (To Daria) Daria, at least hear her out. 

Daria: You can still tell me, it's just that the answer is already no. 

Pan and Zoom to Close up of Jodie 

Jodie: Ok, have you ever heard of the Academic Team[4][4], Daria? 

Cut to Daria. 

Daria: (Deadpan) Yeah, sure. I'll be Valedictorian, You, Mack, and Upchuck will be Salutatorians, and Jane, Ted, and Andrea will be the Cum Laudes. And in six years at our first reunion, our glorious returns will bring honor to LAWNDALE HIGH. 

Cut to Jodie. 

Jodie: That's not quite what I meant. Basically they face other high school's teams in competition. In the first part, we take twenty question tests on one of six subjects: Math, Literature, Humanities, History, Social Studies, and Sciences. In the second, the top five in each subject on both teams square off against each other in fifteen minute rounds, one each subject. Imagine _Greed_, but with two teams and no calling someone out. 

Cut to Daria and Jane. 

Daria: And I should be interested in this for what reason? 

Jane: Come on. You keep saying about how those people only looked at you for your beautiful face. This is a chance to be be noticed for something other than looks. 

Daria: Well, I don't know... 

Jodie: At the end of the season and state finals, the individual winner in each subject gets a $2000 scholarship to the school of his or her choice. If the winner sweeps the subjects, the scholarship jumps to $20,000. Then there are, or might be, the All A and National Tournaments. Free Airfare and accommodations to all participants in the Nationals in Indianapolis. 

Jane: Think about the inspirations! Think about the fun. And Isaac is from Indiana. He could show us around. 

Daria: (to Jane) Indiana's a big place. He could be from Corydon, South Bend, or anywhere in between. (to Jodie) When is that tournament? 

Pan to put Jodie back in the shot. 

Jodie: It's in early April, why? 

Daria: (to Jane) That gives us seven months. Do you think he'll still be here in seven months? Do you even think you'll still love him in seven months? 

Jane: Why don't we play it by ear on this one, Ok? Besides, I think it'll be fun. Think of it as practicing for your session in the hot seat with Regis Philbin. 

Daria: (Mona Lisa Smile) Actually, I much prefer _Ben Stein's Money_. Much less of a prize, even after taxes, but more real challenge in the questions. (beat, serious tone) I have three questions before I decide. Number one: Why do you want me _this_ year? 

Jodie: Well, it's because in previous years we were so bad even Carter County High routinely blew us out of the water. You could have gotten on and it still have made much of a difference, it was so bad. This year, our team has gotten some new blood, and with you in, we may even get to the regional championships. Our only real competition in this district would be from Oakwood and Grove Hills. (beat) And you know how I hate losing to them. 

Daria: Jodie, in football and basketball, Lawndale High, Oakwood High, Carter County and Grove Hills _are_ the whole of the 124th district. 

Jodie: Believe me, everyone else in the region is a pushover. 

Daria: I see. Next question: what's the schedule like? 

Jodie: Just like basketball. Formal study sessions begin in October. Matches begin in November. Ten matches against anyone in the state, then after the new year, regional play. We play everyone in our district twice; once here and once there, and everyone else in our region once, with the All A tournament at mid-season. Thus a regular season of thirty matches. Then come the District, Regional, State, and if we are really lucky, Nationals, but Lawndale High has never been to those. 

Daria: I see. Finally, I would like to ask, why _me_? 

Jodie: Daria, I know you. It's not that you aren't competitive, I've seen you in the arcades. It's just that you've never seen anything at this school worth being competitive in this school over. This isn't about strength or looks, its about brains. And another thing, you don't particularly thrive under pressure, but I've never seen you choke. 

Daria: (Deadpan) Well, in Highland, I choked Beavis and Butthead repeatedly. (beat, resigned tone) Ok, you've convinced me. I'll sign up with Mr. O'Neill right after lunch. 

Jane: This is intriguing. I'll sign up too. If nothing else, I can sketch the quick recall rounds. 

Jodie: Actually, Mr. Breeck is handling the academic team this year. Between Drama Horizons, the esteem class, and the Student Government, Mr. O'Neill just doesn't have the time to coach it this year. 

Daria: (Raises a single eyebrow) 

Cut to:   


Scene: Classroom. Ben is in front of the class. 

Ben: Now, then. I would like to congratulate Daria on the myth she chose to debunk. I think that it is very important to realize that not only were women excluded from the vote in Athens, but also paupers and those not born in Athens, even if they bore arms for that city. (Beat) With that out of the way, lets get on to Alexander The Great. The truth was that he wasn't that great a general. There simply hadn't been a competent infantry force to come out of the Fertile Crescent since the Assyrians. Nor did he face millions with his mere thirty thousand. The biggest engagement only had 200,000 people fighting each other. Yes, Brittany? 

Brittany: Did he really marry Roxanne? 

Ben: Yes, he did. 

Bell Rings 

Ben: Class Dismissed. For Tomorrow, I want you to read chapters five, six, and seven and do the definitions at the end of five and seven. 

Pan to shot of class filing out of the classroom. Pan back to the desks, where Daria and Jane remain. Cut to Ben. 

Ben: Daria, School's out. 

Cut to Daria and Jane. 

Daria: I know that. I want to talk to you again. 

Cut to Ben. 

Ben: I really don't want to relive old times because, well, we didn't really have any.[5][5]

Cut to Daria and Jane. 

Daria: I know that. I want to join the academic team. 

Jane: Me too. 

Cut to Ben. 

Ben: Yes, there is a god! Thank you Daria, you've just made my day. 

Cut to Daria and Jane 

Daria: Is there any reason you are doing a Timothy O'Neill impression? 

Cut to Ben. 

Ben: Well, it's just that we need someone to captain this squad. The previous captain resigned her post, though not from the team. Had to balance her priorities, she said, and I believe it. The only real candidate so far, is a good competitor, but a bad example to the rest of the team. He's the only A student I ever toy with giving Saturday school just on general principals. She suggested you. 

Cut to Daria and Jane's facefaults. 

Daria: (Shocked) You mean Jodie had an ulterior motive and wanted me to compete with Upchuck for team captain? 

Ben: (sighing) If by Upchuck you mean Charles Ruttheimer, yes. 

Daria: (coldly) All that goodwill gained at Grove Hills[6][6] is completely gone, then. 

Ben: Daria, I want to tell you a story. When I was a senior at Frankfort High, I was just like you, except that I was a guy, of course. I was smart, cynical, and an outcast. And I didn't mind one bit. Then my English teacher Mrs. Robinson came to me and talked me into the academic team there. (smile) Mostly it was because study sessions were held at Mr. Gatti's during the buffet. There, I met a few friends. Real friends, who liked me for my mind. We went on the district, regional, and state championships, and while we didn't win or even get into the Elite Eight, we were never blown out either. (beat) Though we did do quite a bit of blowing out ourselves.[7][7]

Daria: Oh, I think I already have enough friends, but I'll join anyway, if only to one up Upchuck and rub Jodie's nose in it. 

Jane: Me, Too 

Ben: Great. I'll get the paperwork started. 

Commercial Break. Stinger: Daria and Jodie Talking.   


Scene: Sidewalk, walking home. Daria and Jane are walking home sharing a computer printout they are reading. 

Jane: (reading) Quick Recall round. Each round lasts fifteen minutes per subject. The referee asks a tossup question that anyone can answer by buzzing in first. It is worth ten points and the correct answered gets a follow-up question worth fifteen points, which only the team captain can answer. If you buzz in before the question is fully asked and get it wrong, your team team is penalized ten points and the question is read fully for the other team.[8][8]

Daria: Sounds reasonable. I think I might like this after all. (face hardens) But damn Jodie for her methods. 

Jane: It could have been worse. She could have volunteered you without your knowing. 

Daria: Oh, I don't think she'd have struck that low, at least not this year. If we were at college, though, it might be a different story. (Glancing forward) Hey, Quinn, you wanna enlarge your social contacts? 

Pan to Quinn and Stacy 

Quinn: How, Daria? 

Cut to Daria. 

Daria: Look at this. (Hands printout to Quinn) 

Cut to Quinn: 

Quinn: (Reading) What is this? 

Cut to Daria. 

Daria: Well basically, it's six rounds of questions and answers moderated by someone with a cue card. 

Cut to Quinn and Stacy 

Quinn: Like a game show run by the athletic association? Eww! 

Stacy: You said it Quinn. 

Cut to Daria and Jane. 

Daria: Well, suit yourself. 

Jane: It's your loss. 

Cut to: 

Scene: Morgendorffer residence, exterior. Daria opens the door, and enters the house. Cut to front hall and family room. Jake is in his easy chair, watching some talk show. Daria enters and shuts the front door. 

Jake: (sounding more nervous than usual) How are you doing, kiddo? 

Daria: Ok, except for losing a friend and joining an extracurricular activity. 

Jake: (Enthusiastically) Really, this calls for a celebration! (Grabs the telephone off the stand and presses a speed dial button.) 

Daria: (Off screen) I don't see any reason to celebrate my alienation from someone. 

Jake (holding the phone up to his ear) I isn't that Jane girl, now is it? (beat) Hello, Marianne, I want you to get Helen. 

Daria: No, it wasn't Jane. 

Jake: I'm sorry pumpkin. But your getting into an extracurricular activity is wonderful news. (beat) Helen, Daria just got into an extra curricular activity. (beat) Yes, that is wonderful. (beat) That would be perfect. (hangs up) Guess what, Helen's coming home! This is the second piece of good news today and we're celebrating by getting the buffet at the Lucky Dragon. 

Daria: (Sounding Frustrated) Didn't you hear what I said? I lost a good friend. 

Jake: Don't worry, kiddo. (beat) Say, who was that friend? 

Cut to Daria. 

Daria: It was Jodie. 

Cut to Jake. 

Jake: I'm sorry, hon. But here's something to cheer you up. I just discovered this account we didn't know we had! (Pan to Daria's shocked face as Jake continues talking, then cut back to Jake) There must have been $3500 in it! More than enough for two CDs and a couple lots of stock. In six more months, if all goes well, we'll be able to tell the bank to go kiss off! 

Cut to an obviously pissed Daria. 

Daria: You did _what_ with that money? 

Cut to Jake. 

Jake: We put it in two certificates of deposit and some shares of a stock called Pinkmonkey.com, why, Daria? Daria? 

Pan to the stairs, where Daria is stomping up them. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Daria's room. Daria is dialing a number on the phone in there. She puts it to her ear. 

Daria: (sounding desperate) Hello, Tom? (beat) Well, please get me Tom, Elise. (Pause) Hello, Tom? 

Split screen between Daria's Room and Tom in the Kitchen. 

Tom: Yes, Daria? 

Daria: What sort of homework do you have? 

Tom: At this point, I'm reading Plato's _Apology_ and am trying to separate out what Socrates was saying from what, if anything, Plato was putting into Socrates' mouth. Why? 

Daria: How soon can you get finished? 

Tom: About an hour. What about you? 

Daria: I'll be done in an hour, too. Why don't you pick me up around seven? 

Tom: Sure, Daria. What's this about? 

Daria: I'll tell you when you take me away. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Daria and Tom are a Thai restaurant. Daria is eating Chicken Penang Curry. Tom is eating Devil's Pork. 

Daria: And to top it all off, Dad recieved a statement from my Montana Cabin Fund misaddressed to Mom, then with Mom's blessing, raided it. 

Tom: Huh? Even your Nutty Nutty pay?[9][9] I thought they couldn't do it. 

Daria: (Between Clinched Teeth) According to their rules, until my eighteenth birthday next march, all my accounts are paritally my parents' if they bank there, which they now do. (Sighs) 

Tom: What did they do with the money? 

Daria: They sank it into penny stock .com that sounds like a pump and dump. Oh, and some cds. They want to pay off the mortgage in time for me to graduate. So there you have it. First Jodie does the hard sell on me, then my parents find and mismanage my Montana Cabin Fund. I wonder if I can divorce my parents? 

Tom: Not in Texas. (sounding bitter) At least they didn't send you to prep school. 

Daria: Small comfort. 

Tom: Look at it this way, now we can go out a whole bunch of new places after your matches. 

Daria: But what about college?[10][10]

Tom: Hey, I CLEPPed out of my entire freshman year. Right now, I have a 4.0 grade point average until the end of the semester, and I am only taking twelve hours, all in the morning. Don't worry. 

Daria: Okay, I won't. So, what do I do now? 

Tom: Well, unless the schedule pits you against Highland High, I think you should go with it. 

Daria: Okay. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Ben's Mobile Home. Ben is sitting in a padded easy chair, talking on the phone. 

Ben: Okay, now, It's Lawndale vs. Fielding Prep for the opener, then Southwest Springs, Then Sam Houston Academy, then First Impression, and finally Danforth County High just before Christmas? I see... (Beat) And the rest of the schedule will be in in the next two weeks? Thank you. (hangs up, picks up the tv remote and clicks it.)[11][11]

Pan and zoom in to the Television Screen. People are wandering around stoned in a downpour. 

_Sick Sad World_ Announcer: You won't believe what that new jet fuel additive is doing to the clouds! We expose the worst sort of acid rain next on _Sick Sad World_. 

Pan out to Daria's room. Daria is watching the show while talking on the phone. 

Daria: Rachel? Could you please get me Jodie? This is important, Rachel. (Beat) Ah, Jodie. The woman of the hour. 

Split screen between Daria's Room and Jodie's at the Landon residence. 

Jodie: (Yawning) What is it, Daria? I'm going to go to sleep soon. 

Daria: Jodie, you set me up. It's one thing that you convince me to join this activity that you've hyped up so much, it's quite another to make me sub for your place. I don't think I've been so angry since Quinn made me take her babysitting job when she was double booked. And even then I at least got some cash out of that. 

Jodie: What else was I supposed to do? Mack's too busy with football and then hockey. Tell me, would _you_ want to inflict Upchuck on the rest of the team? 

Daria: It's not your goals, it's your methods. 

Jodie: Daria, if I told you up front, would you have agreed to it? 

Daria: Probably not, but still. I thought you were my friend. 

Jodie: Daria, I'm terribly sorry. I'll make it up to you somehow. 

Daria: (conversational tone) Oh well, done is done. You've still pissed away all my goodwill from Grove Hills, by the way. Good night, Jodie. (hangs up) 

We spend a few seconds watching Daria watching the show. 

Daria: (thought voice over) So, that explains that hurricane last year, and why everyone was singing. 

Commercial Break. Stinger: Daria Looking Pissed.   


**Commercial**   
**Voice Over: On the next episode of the New Teacher Series, Daria contemplates drastic measures.**   
**Scene: Daria is in her room, talking on the phone.**   
**Daria: Eric, do you know what needs to be done to divorce one's parents in Texas?**   
**Voice Over: And we discover a relative of Mr. Breeck's.**   
**Scene: Daria, Jane, Tom, and Isaac are at a street corner staring, Daria and Jane with mouths hanging open.**   
**Jane: Didn't you tell me about him?**   
**Voice Over: All this and more, next week!**

End Commercial: 

Scene: Daria is in front of the class, reading. 

Daria: I didn't really understand how much I hurt her, until I talked to her again two months later. I realize that it wasn't all or even mostly my fault, but what fault of mine burned. Up to that point, I had never understood the sort of trust I had betrayed, or the sort of betrayal I had committed. I seriously doubted I could ever get that friend back, and when she forgave me, it felt like a camel had been lifted off my shoulders. I must be incredibly lucky, but I will never take that luck for granted.[12][12]

Pan to Mr. O'Neill 

O'Neill: Daria, That was wonderful. You get an A. 

Pan to a blushing Daria, pan back to O'Niell 

O'Neill: Next up is Jane Lane. Jane Drew out Anger. Jane, would you like to give your essay? 

Cut to Jane getting up and walking to the front of the class. Jane turns around and faces the class. 

Jane: This is especially hard for me. When my last boyfriend and I broke up, it was as if someone had poked a blunt metal rod through my ribcage. (as Jane continues to speak, we pan around the classroom) What made it worse, though, was that my best friend was part of the reason for the breakup. It happened that my boyfriend had kissed her during one of those long talks they had begun to have every so often. If breaking up was like a blunt rod through the ribcage, her participation in it was as if someone had heated a fire poker to forging temperature and stuck it, well, where it would hurt all the worse.[13][13]

Cut to the clock, with the second hand flying around the face five times in as many seconds and the minute hand moving forward five notches. Cut to Jane. 

Jane: But I managed to forgive him. If he wanted to date someone so that he could make a good money match, he wasn't worth fighting over.[14][14] I forgave my friend, though I question her wisdom in keeping him. I even found it in my heart to forgive that lesbian alley cat at the art colony,[15][15] as she was simply a creature of the system and her nature. I suppose I'm not the type to bear grudges well. The End. 

Cut to Mr. O'Neill. 

O'Neill: That was simply breathtaking. Maybe I should enroll you and Daria in that new _Waif_ contest. 

Cut to Daria and Jane. 

Daria and Jane: (in chorus) No! 

Cut to Mr. O'Neill 

O'Neill: Well, it was worth a shot. Next, is Charles, who drew fear. Charles? 

Cut to:   


Scene: Exterior Shot of Burger World (No, not in Highland) Cut to interior shot at a door. Daria and Jane enter. 

Jane: You sure this is the place? 

Daria: Yeah, I'm sure. Mr. Breeck only made me repeat it four times. Look, there they are. 

Jane: But study doesn't begin for another two weeks. 

Daria: I think that this is more to hand out the final schedule than anything else. 

Jane: And it's the last chance to chicken out. 

Pan to a table where Upchuck, Jodie, Ted, Andrea, and some unidentified students are talking with each other. Daria and Jane walk into the shot and sit down as far from Upchuck as they can at the table. Ben walks over with some meal and sits down at another empty chair. 

Ben: (Looking Around), well it looks like we have everybody. I believe I know all of you except you. (Points to character whom we saw last in our previous episode where he was interrupting Mr. O'Neill. Pan to him.) 

Student: (Sarcastic) Hi, I'm Derrick Farland, and my hobbies are- oops, wrong teacher. I'm only doing this because my mom is making me, that old battleaxe. My strengths, such as they are, are in science and mathematics. (Beat) And I'm not looking forward to this season. 

Pan to Ben. 

Ben: (Looking at Derrick sideways) Thank you, Derrick. (producing a stack of papers) Now, here are the schedules for the season. (Passing them out) 

Pan around the table, with thought voice overs as we put them into the shot. 

Upchuck: (Smiling lecherously at the schedule) Hmm, Immaculate Conception High School, the girls are as feisty as ever there, I hear. 

Jodie: Houston science magnet school? I do believe Mom and Dad were trying to send me there. I want to show them! 

Ted: Southern Methodist Academy? Didn't Mom and Dad want me to go there? 

Andrea: Oh dear, another year of idiots cutting me down. I wonder why I even bother? 

Anonymous Student 1: (Male, black hair, and sunglasses) Who came up with the first ten schools? 

Anonymous Student 2: (Female, wears shades, and has rainbow striped hair) Carter County High? I think it's time to pay them back for that toilet papering! 

Anonymous Student 3: (Male, Black [Not Mack] wears clothes out of _Details_ magazine) I wonder who'll be in the all "A" Tournament this year? 

Jane: (smirking) Is Mr. Breeck trying to schedule the toughest teams he could find? 

Daria: Fielding Prep? Isn't that Tom's Alma Mater? 

Pan Back to Ben. 

Ben: Our other business is electing the team captain and vice captains. This election was prompted by the resignation of Jodie, here. 

Pan to a blushing Jodie. Pan back to Ben. 

Ben: Any nominations? 

Pan to Anonymous Student 1 

Anonymous Student 1: I nominate Upchuck. 

Pan Back to Ben 

Ben: Ok, Kyle. And you? 

Pan to Jodie 

Jodie: I nominate Daria. 

Pan Back to Ben 

Ben: Any one else? (Beat) Anybody? (Beat) Anybody at all? Ok, let's vote. All those in favor of Charles Rutheimer III, raise your hands. (Beat) Now All those in favor of Daria Morgendorffer, raise your hands. (Beat) Well Daria, looks like you've won. Congratulations. 

Pan to a bored Daria. 

Daria: (Deadpan) Whoopty-Doo. 

Cut to:   


Split Screen between Daria and Tom talking on the phone. 

Daria: And so I'm now the captain of the Academic Team. 

Tom: You could have declined the captaincy and nobody would have gainsaid you. 

Daria: True, but I simply couldn't inflict Upchuck on the team. It wouldn't have been fair to Jane or Andrea. 

Tom: And you are thrilled to a peanut? 

Daria: (sighing) Exactly. So, The opening match will be eight weeks from today. Who are you going to cheer for, anyway? 

Tom: Well, since you asked, you. I never wanted to go to Fielding Prep. I never liked the teachers or most of the students, and I never cared to follow them in any sport. 

Daria: But won't your father be angry? 

Tom: Dad? the only things he cares about are money and influence, and that's it. 

Daria: I see. (Beat) Well, Mystik Spiral is playing at some new place, Saturday, called the Whole in the Wall. Want to make it a date? 

Tom: Sure. 

Roll Credits. Theme: "Hold My Hand" by the Rutles. 

Makeovers: 

Daria as Lt. Aeryn Sun from _Farscape_

Jane as Xev Bellringer from _Lexx_

Quinn as a succubus 

Stacy as Pipi Longstocking 

Ben as a Member of a SWAT team 

Jake and Helen as a Mobster and his Moll 

Tom as a Navy SEAL. 

Andrea as Andrea Dice Clay from _In Living Color_

Daria Logo.   


Notes: 

1. That quote is stolen from Aaron Solomon Adelman's _Daria_, the Motion Picture. 

2. A reference to _Dye Dye, My Darling_. 

3. We learned about this in _Books, Books, and More Books._

4. The academic competiion as depicted is based on the Kentucky system. If the Texas system varies from it, let me know. 

5. This happened at the end of _Books, Books, and More Books_. 

6. See _Gifted_. 

7. This is true. 

8. This is a direct quote from the rules. 

9. See _It Happened One Nut_. 

10. We learn that Tom now goes to Baylor in _Dis-Orentation_. 

11. With the exception of Fielding Prep, all these schools really exist (According to Microsoft Streets 98) in the Greater Houston area. 

12. This is Daria's perspective on the events toward the end of _Is it Fall Yet?_. 

13. This is Jane's perspective on the events of _Dye Dye, my Darling_. 

14. See the halfway point of _Is it Fall Yet?_. 

15. I'm talking about Allison. See Renfield's _Seeing Things Through_ for a better picture. 

   [1]: #1
   [2]: #2
   [3]: #3
   [4]: #4
   [5]: #5
   [6]: #6
   [7]: #7
   [8]: #8
   [9]: #9
   [10]: #10
   [11]: #11
   [12]: #12
   [13]: #13
   [14]: #14
   [15]: #15



	4. Family Junk Bonds

Disclaimer

The Characters of Daria Morgendorffer, Quinn Morgendorffer, Jane Lane, Trent Lane, Jesse Moreno, Nick Campbell, Max Tyler, Kevin Thompson, Michael Jordan "Mack" MacKenzie, Brittany Taylor, Jodie Landon, Angela Li, Anthony DeMartino, and many more, even if not mentioned here, are the Creation of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis and Copyright MTV Studios. This story is in no way to be construed as a challenge to said copyright. 

Some of the events and persons mentioned in this fanfic did happen and do exist, but have been somewhat fictionalized. I myself have diverged from the alternate self shown here sometime in 1996. To those of you who may be offended, remember: this is a cartoon. This is not and could never be real. 

Permission is granted to repost, republish, or retransmit this work in any way, shape, or form as long as these disclaimers remain intact, and no one except Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, MTV Studios, or Viacom, the parent of MTV receive financial remuneration. 

Historians' Note: This story and its sequels take place in lieu of the prospective Season Five. 

Opening Sequence: 

Splendora's _You're Standing On My Neck_ has been replaced by _Man on the Moon_ by REM, and the following montage plays: 

Mr. Ben Breeck looks resigned. Pan over to his students, who include Daria, Jane, Kevin, Brittany, Upchuck, and most of the rest of the gang in Daria's class. 

Ben is in Principal Li's office, with narrowed eyes, and regards Li, who is yakking in grandiose terms, with a look of tired incredulity. 

Pizza King. Ben is grading papers while hoisting a slice with pepperoni, bacon, onions, anchovies, and sun dried tomatoes. Pan to Daria, Jane, and Tom's booth. Daria is suspicious, Jane is startled, and Tom's face is neutral. 

A dance. Ben approaches Claire DeFoe and says something. She blushes and takes his hand. Pan to Upchuck with a camera snapping a picture. 

The classroom again. Mr. Breeck pulls a sleeping Kevin's face up by his hair, removes some googly-eyed Groucho glasses from his face, folds them, then drops Kevin's face back on his desk. Pan to Daria, Jane, and Jodie's approving glances. 

The Zen. Mystik Spiral is thrashing on stage, and Trent is singing like his life depends on it. Pan to the audience where one of the patrons is Ben, who's looking rather unimpressed. 

Daria is at a street corner with Tom, who is speaking. He stops talking, his tongue cleaving to the roof of his mouth. At the exact same instant, she acquires a cold, angry look, says something between clinched teeth, and stalks out of the shot. 

The Zen. Ben is up on stage and apparently doing a monologue. Pan to the audience, which includes Daria, Jane, and Mystik Spiral. Everybody is laughing except Daria. 

Close-up of Daria Smirking, which acquires an oval around it. Zoom into the Daria Logo. Super: Daria in: 

**Family Junk Bonds**   
A piece of Daria Fan Fiction By Ben Breeck   
Episode 1:04 of The New Teacher Series 

  
  
  
  


Scene: Lawndale High School. Daria and Jane are in Janet Barch's homeroom, side by side. Daria is talking to Jane. 

Daria: That embezzlement really stuck in my craw. 

Jane: Daria, don't take it so personal. I don't think they meant steal it. 

Daria: Then why didn't they give it back when I explained things to them? 

Jane: I don't know. What reasons did they give? 

Daria: They said that if they sold then, the price might collapse, while the penalties for cashing in the cds would be almost as much as the original price. 

Jane: You might ask Mrs. Bennett on that. This smells funny. 

Daria: You're telling me. (Beat) So, Tom scored some tickets to see the Capitol Steps, in concert at Compaq Center, this Saturday night. After him and me, there are two left, in case you want to take Isaac or Trent. 

Jane: I'm sorry, I can't come. I've been roped into decorating for Homecoming. 

Daria: (shocked expression) Oh, God, no! Remember last year?[1][1]

Jane: How could I ever forget? Don't worry; I'm only doing the decorations for the dance itself this year. 

Daria: (sighs in relief) Whew, you scared me. 

(Bell Rings) 

Jane: Well, time to go to class. 

Daria: See you in Mrs. Bennett's? 

Jane: Same as always. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Mr. Breeck's Room. Mr. Breeck is standing in front of the class, lecturing. 

Ben: Reading the Gospels, I find them to be most absurd from any standpoint, but so as not get in too much hot water with the religious right in this town, I'll stick with their historicity. Josephus Flavius, who chronicled every one of Herod's excesses, and never rounded off numbers, never mentions any slaughter of babies anywhere near Bethlehem. Not only that, but the requirement that Joseph go to Bethlehem to register for the census makes absolutely no sense. Joseph wasn't a Roman citizen. Joseph wasn't even born in Bethlehem. If he had any close relatives there, they were never mentioned by any of the evangelists. To put the Christmas story into the synoptic Gospels and then insist that they be taken as serious history is tantamount to including the cherry tree story in a serious biography of George Washington. Yes, Brittany? 

Pan to Brittany. 

Brittany: You mean George Washingmachine did cut down those trees? Then Johnny Appleseed must have been the one to replace them. Wait a minute, aren't you engaging in, what is it? Ambiguity? Doublespeak? 

Pan to Daria and Jane. 

Daria: Gee, I think Mr. O'Neill might have gotten through to her, for maybe ten whole seconds on Orwell. 

Jane: That must be a record. It's a good thing Mom and Dad are Unitarians. We have even less in the way of concrete doctrine than Anglicans and Northern Baptists. 

Daria: Well, I can top that one easily. We're Jewish.[2][2] Or, at least, Dad's nominally a Reform Jew, and Mom converted when she married Dad. 

Jane: That explains the candelabra Tom and I saw in your front window when we were caroling last December. 

Daria: So, any ideas on a homecoming theme yet? 

Jane: (Smiling Evilly) I think I have something. By the way, while I'm stuck here Saturday, I can swing Friday evening. Wanna see _Bedazzled_? 

Daria: Already did. It was okay, but nothing I'd see twice. How about _Little Nicky_? 

Jane: Sure. Bring Tom. I'll bring Isaac. 

Daria: Okay. (Beat, faces forward) The most scholarly interpretation of the first beast of the revelation of John of Patmos is Domitian, who was supposed to be the reincarnation of Nero, whose Greek name, Neron Caesar, written in Hebrew letters is equal to six hundred and sixty-six if you write the C as a Gamma as a Gimmel and write out A as Alpha as Aleph. Apparently John of Patmos didn't think highly of Domitian, who in addition to his ruthless persecution of Christians, was one of only three emperors in the First Century to insist on a personal cult while still alive. The other two were Nero and Caligula.[3][3]

Cut to Mr. Breeck's stunned expression. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Quinn's room. Quinn is on her bed, paging through a copy of _Waif_. Phone rings. Quinn picks it up. 

Quinn: Hello? 

Split screen between Quinn's room and Jeffy's room. 

Jeffy: Quinn, that was a rather low thing to do! 

Quinn: (Eyes Narrowing) Jeffy? What are you talking about? 

Jeffy: Smearing Sandi's name like that. 

Quinn: But it's true- 

Jeffy: (interrupting) No it's not, and you know it! Sandi doesn't have herpes, the clap, or the handshake either! How could you go so low? 

Quinn: (Jaws Dropping) What? Where'd you get this? 

Jeffy: (Harshly) As if I'll tell you. Joey and Jamie can have you. (Hangs up) 

Full Screen of Quinn as she hangs up. She has this numb, hangdog expression. This twists itself into an expression of pure hatred. She picks up the phone, then stops. 

Quinn: (Thought Voice Over) No, Daria is right. I want Sandi happy and dumb. She won't know what hit her. 

Quinn punches some buttons on her phone and puts the receiver to her ear. 

Quinn: Hello. You know who I am. Listen, I'm calling in my marker. Here's what you're going to do. Oh, and if you tell anyone, I'll point the guys with the tin stars on their suits your way... 

Cut to:   


Scene: Cranberry Commons. Daria, Tom, Jane, and Isaac are walking out of the movie theater. 

Daria: I must say I was impressed. I even cracked a smile three times. 

Jane: I must say, Rodney Dangerfield was great as the Devil. 

Tom: So, basically, Ncky saves hell by being unworthy of the place. 

Isaac: That guy must've been reading a lot of Moorcock when he was writing it. 

Daria: I think he should have paid a little more attention to the classics; _The Screwtape Letters_, _The Devil and Tom Walker_, and _War in Hell _and its sequels. 

Tom: Perhaps. 

Party comes out the doors into the parking lot. 

Tom: Where did I park that rustbucket? 

Isaac: Right next to my Renault Alliance. 

Jane: (Pointing Off Screen) Hey, it's Mr. Breeck. And somebody's with him. 

Pan to a dirty tan 1979 Jeep Cherokee. Ben and Link (From _Is It Fall Yet_) are getting out. Pan back to Daria, Tom, Jane, and Isaac. Daria and Jane have mouths hanging open in shock. 

Daria: Link? Is that you? 

Jane: Didn't you tell me about him, Daria? 

Daria: Yeah. 

Pan to Ben and Link walking up to the Mall. 

Ben: Daria, Jane, fancy meeting you here. 

Pan back to Daria, Tom, Jane, and Isaac. 

Daria: Link, why are you going into the theater with that strange man? He could be some psycho out of a slasher movie. 

Cut to Ben and Link. 

Link: (With a hard, smirking smile similar but not identical to the Mona Lisa smile) That's right, Uncle Ben is quite crazy. That's why he's taking me to see _The Cell_. 

Cut back to Daria, Tom, Jane, and Isaac. 

Jane: Uncle Ben? 

Isaac: Yo, Ben, how's it going? 

Daria: (To Isaac) You know him too? 

Cut to Ben and Link: 

Ben: (indicating Link) Actually, we're second cousins once removed. His mother is my Cousin Erin, the eldest daughter of my Aunt Dottie on my father's side.[4][4]

Link: He's the only one in my family I can really tolerate.[5][5]

Ben: (To Isaac) Last I heard of you, you, my brother, Ellen, and Brian were in Iowa City laying tile. What happened? 

Cut to Daria, Tom, Jane, and Isaac. 

Isaac: Well, we went our separate ways. I think Kevin is back in Frankfort, and Brian and Ellen moved to Minneapolis. 

Daria: (Though Voice Over) Both of us have cousins named Erin? Is he making this up? 

Jane: (To Isaac) Ellen? 

Isaac: Kevin's girlfriend, or at least she was. 

Cut to Ben and Link. 

Ben: Well, see you Monday. 

Ben and Link walk into the mall. 

Commercial Break. Stinger: Daria, Tom, Jane, and Isaac staring. Daria and Jane slackjawed.   


Scene: Exterior Shot of the Morgendorffer residence. Cut to interior of Daria's room. The sun is shining and birds are chirping. in the background as Daria, in her bed, opens her eyes, throws off her covers, and reaches for her glasses. 

Daria: (Thought Voice Over) Today, I take a little more charge of my life. 

Montage. Music: (_It All Just Happens to Hit) Right Down The Line_ by the Offspring. During thought voice overs, dim the music a little. 

Daria goes over to her drawers, grabs a pair of bulletins, panties, and a shirt. 

The hallway. Daria walks over to the bathroom door, opens it, and enters. Sounds of a bathtub filling, and Daria whistling some random melody. Sounds of splashing. Sounds of water being let out of the tub. Sounds of a sink running. Sounds of teeth being brushed. Door opens. Daria is wearing her usual T-shirt, as well as the jeans from _Road Worrier_. 

Daria: (Thought Voice Over) Now, where is that phone book? 

Front Hall. Medium shot of Daria looking in the drawer of the table the living room floor phone usually rests on. 

Daria: (Thought Voice Over) There you are. (Picks up phone book and closes the drawer) Now it had better be in the white pages. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Daria's Room. Daria is flipping through the phone book. She stops. 

Daria: (Thought Voice Over) Here it is. (Grabs her phone, punches a few buttons and puts the phone to her ear.) 

Marianne: (Off Screen) Hello. Vitale, Davis, Horowitz, Riorden, Schrecter, Schrecter and Schrecter.[6][6]

Daria: (Out Loud) Marianne, could you please get me Eric. 

Marianne: (Off Screen) Daria, why don't you talk to your mom first? 

Daria: (in that voice usually used in Hollywood to indicate Demonic Possession) Get Him! 

Pause for a few seconds. Split screen between Eric's office and Daria's Room. 

Eric: This is Eric Schrecter speaking. 

Daria: Eric, Do you know what needs to be done to divorce one's parents in Texas? 

Eric: I don't do Divorce or Child Emancipation so I don't know. You might try my brother Horace. 

Daria: I see. 

Eric: And one other thing, Daria... 

Daria: (Interrupting) How do you know my name? 

Eric: We met last spring, at that mental health spa. It was rather brief.[7][7]

Daria: Were you the one in the checked blue suit? 

Eric: That was me. Daria, what is going on? You know I'm going to tell your mother about this call on Monday. 

Daria: Fine with me. Now, get me Horace. 

Eric: (Sighing) Okay. 

Cut to:   


Scene: A rather large stadium. Pan down to the floor, where chairs are laid out in rows in front of a makeshift stage. Four rows back from said stage are Daria and Tom. Zoom in to them. (Background Music: _SuperfranticUnproductiveNothingLegislation_ by the Capitol Steps) Daria is wearing the Mona Lisa smile. 

Daria: I always liked that song. 

Tom: I preferred _The Berries Never Fall Far From the Bush_ myself. So, how was that call to your mom's work? 

Daria: Basically, I could only divorce them if I had an independent source of income and/or I could I could prove criminal abuse or neglect to the satisfaction of both state Supreme Courts. (Sigh) Looks like you were right. 

Tom: Oh well. At least it was done in ignorance. 

Daria: We'll never know, will we? 

End Song. Pan up on stage as _Kosovo_ (To the tune of _Kokomo_ by the Beach Boys) begins. Pan back to Daria and Tom. 

Tom: Daria, I'm worried. 

Daria: What about? 

Tom: We go to movies, we go to restaurants. We even go see and hear Mystik Spiral when they have a gig. But we don't really talk. 

Daria: What do you mean? We talk plenty. 

Tom: But it's all about our problems. We never talk about, well, the world we live in, or life in general any more.[8][8]

Daria: I never knew you were such a Depeche Mode fan, Tom. 

Tom: (chuckling) Yeah, that's more the sort of thing I wish we would talk about. 

Daria: (sighing) Tom... 

Cut To:   


Cut to:   


Split screen between the Casa Lane and Isaac's apartment. Jane and Isaac are talking on the phone.. 

Jane: Your kidding. You really get dried red peppers sent to you every other week? 

Isaac: Yep. My sister Shannon grows them. 

Jane: She's in Arizona, isn't she? 

Isaac: Yeah, right now. 

Jane: I realize you might be a little over age, but would you like to see my homecoming decorations next Friday? 

Isaac: Sorry, I can't. I swung last night by switching for someone. He'll be rather mad if I don't keep up my end of the bargain. 

Jane: Damn. 

Isaac: Promise me this, then. 

Jane: Shoot. 

Isaac: I want as many pictures of it as possible. 

Jane Sure thing. 

Commercial Break Stinger: Daria Calling Her Mother's Law Firm. 

**Commercial:**

**Voice Over: On the Next Episode of The New Teacher Series, Kevin is having a little trouble in school.**

**Scene: Doug Thompson is at Mr. Breeck's mobile home front door, looking furious. Cut to Mr. Breeck in the doorway.**

**Ben: (Cold, Angry) As things stand, Mr. Thompson, Kevin will not be able to play this homecoming. If you want him to have some chance at extra credit, that's one thing, but I will not be intimidated into awarding a passing grade without merit by anyone. (Assuming a feral grin) And I do suggest you leave my property right now.**

**Voice Over: And he's not the only one.**

**Scene: A dance at the Lawndale High gym. Upchuck has a camera in his hand and a smile on his face.**

**Upchuck: (Thought Voice Over) Nobody sends the Chuckster to Detention three straight times and gets away with it, Mr. Breeck.**

**Voice Over: All this and more, next week!**

**End Commercial**

Scene: Lawndale High, the hallway. Quinn and Stacy are walking along. 

Stacy: Quinn, does this mean that Sandi _doesn't_ have those horrible DVDs? 

Quinn: When I was at Sandi's two years ago, she only had a VCR, so how would I know?[9][9] But if you mean VDs, I'd say the answer is no, if we ever get an answer. 

Stacy: But if you didn't start the rumor, who did? 

Quinn: Who did you hear it from. 

Stacy: Lots of people, but the one I first heard if from, and who said she heard it from you, was Brooke. 

Quinn: Brooke? Why would she do that? 

Stacy: She might have given up on joining the Fashion Club, and decided to permanently poison the whales. 

Quinn: You mean poison the wells? 

Stacy: (as she is saying this line, Quinn turns her head and points.) Yeah, that. 

Quinn: Or maybe not. 

Stacy looks in Quinn's direction. Pan across the hallway, where Sandi, Tiffany, Brooke, and one of the Cheerleaders shown in _The "F" Word_ are looking in Quinn and Sandi's Direction. 

Sandi: Gee, looks like Quinn doesn't have a date to Homecoming, because she was so backbiting. 

Tiffany: Yeah. How low can you get? 

Sandi: If you want, Stacy, you can rejoin the Fashion Club. I won't even make you dress me personally when one of us comes over to the other. 

Pan to Quinn and Stacy 

Stacy: No way, Sandi! 

Quinn: (Yawning) Sticks and stones, Sandi, sticks and stones. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Mr. Breeck's Classroom. Ben is lecturing. 

Ben: Chin Shihuangdi was only 53 years old when he croaked. If he had spent more time building infrastructure and less time trying to find an immortality elixir, he might have left behind that "Ten-thousand year" dynasty. Instead, he left behind nothing, and the Han Dynasty seized power. 

Pan to Daria and Jane. 

Daria: Jane. 

Jane: Yes, Daria? 

Daria: I'm getting worried about Tom. 

Jane: You haven't gotten in to any fights with him, have you? 

Daria: No, nothing like that. (beat) It's just, he says he misses the kinds of conversations we used to have before we were an item. 

Jane: You do still talk, don't you? 

Daria: Of course we do. 

Jane: I don't think it's too serious, but I'd still be a little concerned. 

Daria: Thank you, Jane. 

Pan to Mr. Breeck. 

Mr. Breeck: The Emperor who extended Han Rule the farthest was Han Wu-D.... (beat) Kevin? Kevin? 

Walks up to Kevin's Desk, where he is asleep. Ben grabs Kevin's head by the hair, pulls off a pair of googly eyed Groucho glasses from his face, folds them into his shirt pocket. 

Ben: (under his breath) I always wanted a pair of these. 

Ben drops Kevin's head back onto his desk. Kevin still doesn't stir. 

Ben: Well, now. I guess Kevin gets a zero to day in participation. 

Pan to Daria, Jane and Jodie's approving glances. 

Jodie: Now there's something you don't see every day. 

Daria looks at Jodie with a suspicious expression.[10][10]

Cut to:   


Scene: Just in front of the Morgendorffer residence. Daria slams shut the door of Tom's Ford Granada. Maintain the shot on her as she walks up to the front door, opens it, and enters. 

Cut to the front hall. Daria is walking over to the staircase. 

Helen: (Off Screen) Just what do you think you're doing, young lady? 

Daria whirls around with a look of cold fury. Cut to Helen and Jake. Helen's face has (self) righteous indignation on it. Jake simply looks frazzled. 

Helen: You want to _divorce **us**_?!? After all our struggles to put a roof over your head, food on the table, and clothes on your back? 

Jake: (Nervously, to Helen) Uh, Darling, I think... 

Helen: (To Jake) Not Now Jake. (To Daria) As I was saying, Daria, I was never so shocked or so angry in all my life as when I got that news from Marianne, Horace, and Eric. Maybe we should put you up for adoption, and leave you only the bills in our will. Then perhaps you will see what good parents we really are. 

Pan to put Daria in the shot. 

Daria: (Through clinched teeth) Maybe I might get a mother who takes time out to do things with her daughter. One who takes an active interest in her likes, and her studies, as opposed to an interest that she have likes and studies. 

Helen: Daria, I spent six hours in labor for you. I was at your Hanukkah pageant when you were eight years old, despite the fact that I didn't and still don't understand Hebrew. 

Daria: You also cleaned out my Montana Cabin Fund, not because you thought I couldn't handle it, but in order to sink it into something called Pinkmonkey.com! Do you still have some grass stashed over from your wild days with Coyote and Willow Yeager?[11][11] Did Beavis and Butthead leave some of their premium paint thinner at our old house and you stumble across it when we were moving? 

Jake: But I read in _Startup Spectator_ that Pinkmonkey.com would experience a meteoric rise in stock performance! 

Daria: Yeah, it's called a pump-and-dump. As far as I can tell, Pinkmonkey.com is just trying to sell _Cliff's Notes_, and Scantron test sheets over the Internet and failing miserably. The number of dot.com success stories out there is so low I can count it on one hand. You'd have better luck getting all six numbers and the Power Ball with a little help from a Ouija board. 

Helen: (Smacks the wall) That's it, Daria! Go to your room and don't come out until I call you! 

Cut to Daria stomping up the stairs. Cut to Helen's face slowly becoming an expression of tiredness, then suddenly, despair. 

Helen: Oh, my God, what have I done? 

Cut to a wider shot of Helen and Jake. 

Jake: Looks like you and Daria had a real to do to me. The only things missing were 'I hate you,' and cuss words. 

Helen: Jake, I'm serious. I acted like a baby just now. Daria was more mature. Even in family court, I would've been held in contempt. (Frantically) Oh God, I'm becoming my mother! 

Jake: Nonsense. You're not becoming your mother yet. 

Helen: (Inquisitively) How do you know this, Jake? 

Jake: (Smiling) Honey, when you start referring to me in the third person as "that kike," then you're becoming your mother. Not before.[12][12]

Helen: (Smiling as well) I love you, Jake. (Embraces Jake) 

Cut to: 

Daria's Room. Daria clicks the remote. 

_Sick Sad World_ Announcer: (With a fake Scottish Burr) They're Creepy and they're Kooky, Mysterious and Icky. (Regular Tone) The Entire Grisly Clan McAddams, Next on _Sick Sad World_! 

Knock at the door. 

Daria: Go away, Mom. 

Quinn: (Off Screen) It's not Mom, Daria. Can I still come in? 

Daria: What for? 

Quinn: (Off Screen) Daria, I'm worried. 

Daria: Is this about trying to give me a makeover? 

Quinn: (Off Screen) Never. 

Daria: Okay, Quinn, you can come in. 

Pan to the door, which opens. Quinn enters and walks over to Daria's desk, grabs a chair, swings it over to Daria's bed, and sits in it. 

Daria: What's this about, Quinn? 

Quinn: What was all that yelling about, Daria? 

Daria: I'm not sure it is any of your business. 

Quinn: It interrupted my phone conversation, Daria. It is my business. You didn't get into real trouble, did you? 

Daria: Ok, I'll tell you. They found, confiscated, and squandered a bank account which I had specifically set aside. Then Mom flew off the handle when I actually complained. 

Quinn: What? There's got to be more to it than you're saying. 

Daria: There is. (Takes a breath.) But right now is not the time to give an unabridged account. 

Quinn: When would it be then, Daria? 

Daria: Maybe in about five years, if then. Oh, and Quinn. 

Quinn: Yes Daria? 

Daria: You've been acting rather strange toward Sandi lately. You aren't trying to be friendly, but at the same time, you aren't starting cat fights or even acting like you even know her either. 

Quinn: Remember that rumor going around about Sandi having those horrible diseases? 

Daria: Yeah, so? 

Quinn: Well, I didn't start it. I didn't even hear about it until today. But everyone says I started it, and I lost a member of my fan club for supossedly starting it. 

Daria: I see. 

Quinn: (Evil Grin) Thing is, why should there be rumors going around when the truth can be almost as damning? 

Daria: I think I know where this is going. For your sake and mine, I don't want to know any more. 

Quinn: (Shrugging) Suit yourself. 

Daria: One thing though, Quinn. 

Quinn: What else? 

Daria: Could you help me with what to wear to Homecoming? I might as well wring out as much enjoyment from this event as I possibly can, as I don't think I will be getting much from anywhere else. 

Quinn: (Grinning from ear to ear) Daria! I thought this wasn't about any sort of makeover. 

Daria: (Mona Lisa Smile) 

Roll Credits. Theme: _Burning Down the House_ by Talking Heads. Makeovers: 

Daria as Velma from _Scooby Doo_. 

Jane as Elvira 

Quinn as Daphne from _Scooby Doo_. 

Tom as Eddie Willson from _Eddie and the Cruisers_

Helen as Medusa 

Jake as the Minotaur 

Ben as Che Guevarra 

Sandi as Cruella DeVille 

Brittany as a wind up toy 

Kevin as Pinnochio 

Tiffany as Elizabeth Bathory 

Daria Logo.   


Notes: 

1. See _I Loathe a Parade_. 

2. A shameless ripoff of the continuum of Peter W. Guerin. 

3. Robert Nowall made me flesh it out a little more from what I originally. 

4. This is completely true, except that my cousin Erin and my Aunt Dottie live in Florida, not Texas. 

5. We learn more about Link's immediate family in _Is it fall yet_? 

6. Although this is the name given in _The Daria Diaries_ and _The Daria Database_, I first saw it courtesy of J's _Damien's Day in Lawndale Hell_. 

7. See _Psycho Therapy_. 

8. See _Fire_. 

9. See _Gifted_. 

10. Daria still hasn't gotten over the events of _Pedantic Team_. 

11. A reference to _That Was Then, This Is Dumb_. 

12. I'm not the raving anti-Semite, Grandma Ruth from _I Don't_ is. 

   [1]: #1
   [2]: #2
   [3]: #3
   [4]: #4
   [5]: #5
   [6]: #6
   [7]: #7
   [8]: #8
   [9]: #9
   [10]: #10
   [11]: #11
   [12]: #12



	5. Homecoming Dunce

Disclaimer

The Characters of Daria Morgendorffer, Quinn Morgendorffer, Jane Lane, Trent Lane, Jesse Moreno, Nick Campbell, Max Tyler, Kevin Thompson, Michael Jordan "Mack" MacKenzie, Brittany Taylor, Jodie Landon, Angela Li, Anthony DeMartino, and many more, even if not mentioned here, are the Creation of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis and Copyright MTV Studios. This story is in no way to be construed as a challenge to said copyright. 

Some of the events and persons mentioned in this fanfic did happen and do exist, but have been somewhat fictionalized. I myself have diverged from the alternate self shown here sometime in 1996. To those of you who may be offended, remember: this is a cartoon. This is not and could never be real. 

Permission is granted to repost, republish, or retransmit this work in any way, shape, or form as long as these disclaimers remain intact, and no one except Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, MTV Studios, or Viacom, the parent of MTV receive financial remuneration. 

Historians' Note: This story and its sequels take place in lieu of the prospective Season Five. 

Opening Sequence: 

Splendora's _You're Standing On My Neck_ has been replaced by _Man on the Moon_ by REM, and the following montage plays: 

Mr. Ben Breeck looks resigned. Pan over to his students, who include Daria, Jane, Kevin, Brittany, Upchuck, and most of the rest of the gang in Daria's class. 

Ben is in Principal Li's office, with narrowed eyes, and regards Li, who is yakking in grandiose terms, with a look of tired incredulity. 

Pizza King. Ben is grading papers while hoisting a slice with pepperoni, bacon, onions, anchovies, and sun dried tomatoes. Pan to Daria, Jane, and Tom's booth. Daria is suspicious, Jane is startled, and Tom's face is neutral. 

A dance. Ben approaches Claire DeFoe and says something. She blushes and takes his hand. Pan to Upchuck with a camera snapping a picture. 

The classroom again. Mr. Breeck pulls a sleeping Kevin's face up by his hair, removes some googly-eyed Groucho glasses from his face, folds them, then drops Kevin's face back on his desk. Pan to Daria, Jane, and Jodie's approving glances. 

The Zen. Mystik Spiral is thrashing on stage, and Trent is singing like his life depends on it. Pan to the audience where one of the patrons is Ben, who's looking rather unimpressed. 

Daria is at a street corner with Tom, who is speaking. He stops talking, his tongue cleaving to the roof of his mouth. At the exact same instant, she acquires a cold, angry look, says something between clinched teeth, and stalks out of the shot. 

The Zen. Ben is up on stage and apparently doing a monologue. Pan to the audience, which includes Daria, Jane, and Mystik Spiral. Everybody is laughing except Daria. 

Close-up of Daria Smirking, which acquires an oval around it. Zoom into the Daria Logo. Super: Daria in: 

**Homecoming Dunce**   
A Piece of Daria Fan Fiction By Ben Breeck   
Episode 1:05 of The New Teacher Series 

  
  
  
  
  
  


Scene: Split Screen Between Daria's Room and the Sloane Kitchen. Daria and Tom are on the phone talking to each other. 

Daria: Well, I and my mom have definitely reached a new and potentially damaging phase. 

Tom: Tell me when she goes up in front of the grand jury for the indictment. 

Daria: Sure, should it ever happen. Tell me what has been happening in Bear country. 

Tom: Well, we lost a hard fought homecoming game to Texas A&M 36-7. 

Daria: I thought you said the game was hard fought. 

Tom: It was. Just after the final buzzer, the entire home crowd surged onto the field and engaged in uh... "unnecessary roughness." The Aggie quarterback won't be entering the entering the draft next year. 

Daria: I think the Baylor team would be perfect for Jim McMahon and Jesse Ventura's new league. The crowd too. 

Tom: Indeed. 

Daria: So, You doing anything Friday night? 

Tom: No, not really. With Midterms finished and my papers in philosophy and Western Civ done, there's nothing I need doing, why? 

Daria: Well, how would you like to see what a homecoming dance is really like, as opposed to just the parade? 

Tom: Only if you're inviting me. 

Daria: I hope this cluelessness you're showing is just an act. 

Tom: It is. Count me in. But I thought you were grounded. 

Daria: Dad and Mom are going to this Paul Simon concert at the Astrodome. Between the leaked plans to do just about every song he's ever done, the (cough) sellout crowd and having to find the car after it's over, not to mention fighting traffic on I-45, I estimate that they will be back by 1:30 A.M. at the earliest. Don't worry. Quinn hasn't an incentive to tell them. Pick me up at 9:30. 

Tom: Sure thing. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Lawndale High School, Anthony DeMartino is in front of the class. 

DeMartino: It SEEMS that some of you IDIOTS want to kill me. For the LAST time, a CONCENTRATION CAMP and a CRAM SCHOOL are NOT the same thing! Why is it that only MR. DEWITT-CLINTON and MS. MORGENDORFFER seem to give a damn about the ONLY war in the TWENTIETH CENTURY America was completely in the RIGHT in its pursuit? 

Pan to Sandi, Tiffany, Quinn, and Stacy. 

Sandi: Quinn, why are you blowing the grade curve? 

Quinn: (to Stacy) You know, Stacy, I think there's a real draft in here. 

Stacy: There shouldn't be. I just read in the _Lawndale Lowdown_ that the rooms were caulked just three weeks ago. 

Sandi: Why should poor Stacy here suffer because of your anger at me? 

Quinn: (Completely Oblivious to Sandi) So, how was that essay on Eva Braun you turned in on Monday? 

Stacy: I got a B+ thanks to your notes. Did you really copy them right, or did you simply make them up? 

Quinn: They were copied right, I assured you. 

Sandi: Oh, this is getting tedious. They'll never get any dates to Homecoming.[1][1]

Tiffany: They definitely won't. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Carter County Mobile Home Park. Doug Thompson (From _Mart of Darkness_) pulls up in a 1985 Cadillac Sedan DeVille. He kills the engine and gets out of the car, then walks past Ben's Jeep and over to the front door of Ben's mobile home. 

Doug: (Pounding on the door) Open up! Now! 

Sound of three different locks being undone. Ben opens the door. 

Ben: Hey, you aren't the landlord. What gives. 

Doug: Are you Mr. Breeck? 

Ben: Yeah, so? 

Doug: You stole something of Kevin's. I want it back. 

Ben: And you are? 

Doug: Doug Thompson, Kevin's father. 

Ben: Of Thompson's True Value hardware store on Main Street? 

Doug: Yeah, now hand it over, now! 

Ben: Actually, I turned it over to Principal Li for safe keeping. You might try her during school hours. Anything else? 

Doug: (Really Pissed) Why you... (Pause, calms down a bit). Well, you also gave my Kevin an F on his report card. 

Ben: And your point is? 

Doug: Look, football is the only way he's getting into college. Right now, he can't play. 

Ben: Right now, he can't even tell the difference between the Principate, the Imperate, and the Domminate phases of the Roman Empire. His paper on Plato was written on using that famous Playskool modeling clay and was about it, and the only thing he ever says in class when called on is "I'm the QB." I'm considering recommending he be sent to remedial classes, but that area is so over full with people who actually want to learn I'm afraid I'd be wasting the teacher's time. 

Doug: (Getting really angry) Look, either you pass my Kevin or there'll be hell to pay! 

Ben: (Cold, Angry) As things stand, Mr. Thompson, Kevin will not be able to play this homecoming. If you want him to have some chance at extra credit, that's one thing, but I will not be intimidated into awarding a passing grade without merit by anyone. (Assuming a feral grin) And I do suggest you leave my property right now. 

Doug: (Swinging back a punch) Why, you little... 

Ben quickly shuts the door. 

Doug: (Pounding On The Door) Open Up! Open Up! 

Door opens suddenly, knocking Doug to the ground. Music: _Stop_ by Jane's Addiction. Doug facefaluts. Pan to the doorway, where Ben is rushing out it with a wooden practice bastard sword at the shoulder ward.[2][2] Despite being wooden, it is quite capable of breaking ribs and necks. Cut to Doug, who's scrambled up to his feet and is running to his Cadillac. He gets into his car, and tries to to run Ben over. Ben dodges behind some barrels as Doug turns, exits the long way out of the Mobile Home Park, and speeds out into the distance. Cut to Ben holding his sword. 

Ben: (Breathing Deeply, thought voice over) I don't think I've seen the last of him. Look's like I'll have to get my sandpaper from Lowe's. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Coach McNulty's office[3][3]. The coach is a fit, but balding man with salt and pepper hair on the sides and back, and three day stubble and his cheeks an chin, and his office is filled with football memorabilia. The coach is reading the paper with his feet propped on his desk when the phone rings and startles him. He tumbles out of his chair and picks up the phone. 

McNulty: Lawndale Lions Football Office, McNulty speaking. 

Voice: (obviously electronically disguised, Off Screen) Coach, I want you to make sure that no one on the team goes near the home side forty-yard hash mark before half-time. There's $250 in it for you. 

McNulty: What? Who is this? 

Voice: (Off Screen) And if you try to investigate it, or tell anyone about it, I'll tell the police and school board about that bookie you've been dealing with in Oakwood. 

McNulty: (Angry) How do you know about him? 

Line goes dead. 

Operator: (Recorded Message) If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you've found this message to be in error, please check the number and then dial the operator. 

McNulty slams down the receiver and sighs. 

Commercial Break. Stinger: Ben brandishing his wooden sword.   


Scene: Quinn's room. Quinn is sitting on her bed, talking on the phone and doing her homework all at the same time. 

Quinn: So it's all set? I knew you could do it. Yeah, now we're even, until you want another favor. Oh, and calling Coach McNulty was a nice touch. Talk to you later. (Hangs Up) If at all. 

Phone Rings. Quinn Picks it up. 

Quinn: Hello? 

Split screen between Quinn's room and David Sorenson's (from _Is It Fall Yet?_) dorm kitchen. 

David: Quinn, it's me, David. 

Quinn: What's this about? 

David: (While David is saying this line Quinn has a startled look on her face.) I might have considered pressing charges for all those messages you put on my answering machine, but I don't think I can. 

Quinn: What's this about? 

David: I don't know. Right now, I'm tired and I'm lonely, and it's either call you or get roaring drunk. 

Quinn: You haven't answered my question. 

David: I was right about what I said about you, only, I was lagging about two months.[4][4] You definitely weren't so shallow at the end. I'm sorry. 

Quinn: Thanks, I think. And please don't get drunk. Given how ever you feel, drinking would only make it seem worse. 

David: Quinn, could we talk, Friday night? 

Quinn: If you'll take me to my high school homecoming dance. 

David: I thought you were candidate for Homecoming Queen. 

Quinn: You aren't the only one who needs to talk. 

David: Touché. I guess I might at that. 

Quinn: If you could, please pick me up at 9:30. 

David: OK. 

Cut to:   


Montage. Music: _Pretty Woman_, (The Van Halen version) 

Jodie pulls over her head a light blue slinky night dress. 

Sandi is rummaging through her closet. 

Jane is looking under her bed for something. 

Quinn is pulling out things in front of Daria. Pan to Daria's face as she gains a look of shocked disbelief. 

Stacy is pulling on something red. 

Quinn zips up Daria's back. 

Jane puts on earrings. 

Daria zips up Quinn's back. 

Jodie is putting on blush. 

Sandi is applying eyeshadow. She is wearing something resembling a cloth-of-copper sari with cloth-of-electrum accents and borders. 

Quinn is applying blush to Daria's face. Suddenly a cloud of it erupts and Daria begins coughing. 

Cut to: 

Scene: Morgendorffer Residence. A 1978 U.S. Ford Granada pulls into the driveway. Zoom to the driver: Tom Sloane. Tom honks the horn. Pan to the front door, which opens to reveal Daria. Daria is dressed in a bright green sequined pleated dress down to just below her knees. The front is about one centimeter below her clavicle, until it reaches the center. There, it dips in a very narrow "V" almost to her navel. Despite the magnifying effect of the sequins and the push-up bra, Daria's barely a B cup. This ensemble is completed, if not complemented, by her Doc Marten's. Daria walks over to Tom's car and gets in shotgun. 

Tom: (With a startled look.) Daria. You are... Stunning. 

Daria: Funny, I thought I left my taser at home. 

Tom: Let's get the schedule straight. 

Daria: The Dance ends at Midnight, exactly. 

Tom: That leaves plenty of time for a bite at Harry's All Night Hamburgers. 

Daria: No. I want as much cushion as possible. 

Tom: Very well. 

Tom twists the keys a couple of times. The car roars to life. It backs out of the driveway, on to the street, and takes off. 

A yellow 1985 Chevy Celebrity pulls up on the curb next to the Morgendorffer Residence. Pan to the Driver's seat where David sits. He gets out of the car and rings the doorbell. Quinn opens the door and throws her arms around David. Quinn is wearing a gold and silver sequined number slit up the front, diamond earrings, and high heels. 

Quinn: David! 

Cut to:   


Scene: Lawndale High, exterior, the front door. Anthony DeMartino and Cindy Morris are Door Greeters. 

DeMartino: (Grumbling, in an obviously rented suit.) Why do I have to WORK this DOOR? I WAS so looking FORWARD to WATCHING _Law and Order: Special Victim's Unit_. 

Morris: You were looking forward to watching that? I wanted to scout out our competition in Cheerleading.[5][5]

DeMartino: (As he says this line, Angela Li cracks open the door and puts her head out.) THOSE leotard clad Stepford Wives? 

Li: Quiet you two. Here comes our first arrival. Oh, and by the way, we won 27-24. 

Pan to Jane getting out of Trent's Plymouth. She waves to Trent as he drives off. 

Jane: And make sure to crash at a Motel at the end of the show. Don't want to read about you in an accident. (Turns around gasps in pleasant surprise.) Daria, I have never seen you so.. so... 

Quick Cut to Daria and Tom getting out of Tom's Car. 

Daria: So Formal? 

Cut to Jane. 

Jane: Yeah. 

Pan the shot so that Daria, Tom, and Jane are all in front of the camera. 

Daria: You usually aren't so tongue tied. What happened to Isaac? 

Tom: I noticed he's gone, too. 

Jane: He has to work until midnight.[6][6] Which is too bad, since that's when this shindig ends. He also missed the game. 

Daria: Spare me. I missed it too. 

Jane: (Smiling Maliciously, Sandi Impression) That's just too, too bad, because everyone got their just deserts that day. 

Tom: I see. 

Daria: (Mona Lisa Smile) Well, maybe I should have watched it on T.V.. (Neutral expression again, Pointing) Looks like there's where the entertainment is at. 

Pan to the Z93 Dodge Ram Van 2500, where Bing and the Spatula Man (From _Jake of Hearts_) are unloading equipment.[7][7] Pan back to Daria, Jane, and Tom. 

Tom: Well, for what Li's paying them, They could afford much better entertainment. 

Daria: Yeah, like the Director's cut of _Battlefield Earth_, or possibly a complete set out of Mystik Spiral. (Beat) So, what are the decorations like? 

Jane: Right this way. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Lawndale High, the Gym. Music: _Can I Touch You?,_ by Rod Stewart. The door opens and Ben walks onto the floor. He is dressed in a black suit with a white button down shirt, cummerbund, and bowtie. Pan over to the dance floor, where several pairs are slow dancing. They include King and Queen Mack and Jodie, Kevin and Brittany (Still in their respective uniforms), Sandi (in a fetching dress that doesn't match the montage,) and Jeffy, Daria and Tom, Quinn and David, Janet Barch and Timothy O'Neill, and Jane, who's here stag. Cut back to Ben. 

Ben: (Walking out on the floor) Hmm, looks like I'm a little late. 

Cut to Mack and Jodie. 

Jodie: Who would have thought that the Homecoming King for 2000 would turn out to be the guy chosen MVP and who scored the winning touchdown, yet also be chosen as a Rhodes Scholar, for the second straight year?[8][8]

Mack: And who would have thought that the Homecoming Queen wound be someone who wasn't a cheerleader, soccer player, or choir member? 

Jodie: Do you think that the system might be turing out in our favor after all? 

Mack: We'd better not celebrate, it might turn against us again. 

Cut to Jeffy and Sandi. 

Jeffy: (Pleading) Hey, I didn't mean to slip on that mud spot and take you down with me, honest! 

Sandi: Shut up. 

Cut to Daria and Tom 

Tom: Daria, my sweet. That's a wonderful dress you're wearing. 

Daria: Thank you. I'm glad to have a sister as grateful as Quinn and a friend as forgiving as Jane. They were the ones mostly responsible for it. 

Tom: It's too bad I never went to your school and am now a freshman at Baylor. 

Daria: Don't push your luck. If you tried out for football, you'd have been sent to the hospital on the first practice. 

Tom: (Giggles) 

Song Ends. New Song: _Dying in Your Arms Tonight_, by Cutting Crew. 

Cut to Quinn and David. 

Quinn: Thank you for being my date, David. 

David: After Rhonda dumped me, and no one else would give me the time of day, what choice did I have? 

Quinn: Oh, There's always a choice, David. It may not seem like it at times, but there's always a choice. 

Cut to Barch and O'Neill. 

Barch: You dance quite well, for a man. 

O'Neill: Thank you. I had a great teacher. 

Barch: (Menacing Tone) You don't still have feelings for her, do you? 

O'Neill: Not those feelings, honey bunch. (Thought Voice Over) Why would I have them for my mother? 

Cut to Jane. 

Jane (Thought Voice Over) Well, the design came off well after all. 

Cut Back to Ben. 

Ben: (Thought Voice Over) Hmm, now there's someone I can try. (Pan to put Claire DeFoe in the Shot, Out Loud) Miss DeFoe, I presume. You are not only wonderful at creating and inspiring art, so I see, but you are a work of art yourself. Would you like this dance? 

DeFoe: (Blushes and offers her hand to him) 

They walk to the middle to the floor. Pan to Upchuck who puts a camera up to his eye an snaps a picture of them. 

Upchuck: (Thought Voice Over) Nobody sends the Chuckster to Detention three straight times and gets away with it, Mr. Breeck. 

Song Ends. Cut to the DJ booth. Bing and the Spatula Man are sitting in it. 

Bing: And wasn't that a great, romantic song? 

Spatula Man: It was that, Bing. Next, how about something to Party Hardy to? 

Bing: You took the words right out of my mouth, Spatula Man. 

Begin opening strains of _Time Warp_. Suddenly crash sounds are heard. Music stops. An emergency exit flies open from the outside, sounding a fire alarm. A crazed Doug Thompson runs into the Gym, carrying a pump shotgun. He racks the shotgun and shoots into the air, shattering a light. Most of the crowd screams and bolts in any direction. 

Doug: I want to find that _Beep_ who flunked my pride and joy. I want to teach him a lesson in hopelessness! There you are! 

Pan to Ben and DeFoe, who dive behind the punch table. The shotgun shatters the punch bowl. 

Ben: Well, I guess this means the punch is now officially spiked. 

DeFoe throws an elbow into his stomach. Ben grunts. 

Doug: (Off Screen) Come 'ere, you yellow-bellied chicken! 

Ben begins crawling behind the tables. 

Pan to Daria, Tom, and Jane. 

Daria: Oh, God, not again! 

Jane: You know what they say, third time's a charm. 

Cut to Quinn and David. 

Quinn: I cracked a nail! Mr. Thompson's going to pay! 

David: Quinn, don't do something stupid. 

Quinn: (Calming Down) He'll pay, just not now. 

Cut to Doug looking around for, an any direction. Zoom back as Ben's hands grab for his legs, while Upchuck is in the foreground. 

Upchuck: He's right behind you. 

As Doug levels the shotgun at Upchuck, Ben's hands reach Doug's leg and yank. The shotgun blast propels him onto the table with the shotgun flying to the side. Ben scrambles for the shotgun as Doug gets up to swing a punch. Ben intercepts his fist at the wrist with the muzzle of the gun, then clubs him with the return swing using the butt on the Doug's temple. Doug goes out like a light. Then the police plunge through the open emergency door. They quickly move to subdue Ben on the ground. 

One of the policemen: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you do not have one, one will be provided for you. Do you have any questions? 

Ben (Being let up): Yeah, just one. What is your badge number and who is your captain? 

One of the policemen: (Evil Grin) Oh, a wise guy, eh? This'll be interesting. 

Pan through paramedics hoisting Doug onto a stretcher and picking it up, Bing and the Spatula Man talking to police, to Daria, Jane, and Tom. 

Daria: Party's over. Lets go. 

Tom: We'd better talk to that guy, first. 

Pan to the policeman with the pad and pencil. 

Commercial Break. Stinger: Doug Running into the gym with the shotgun.   


**Commercial:**

**Voice Over: On the next episode of The New Teacher Series, Daria tells her side of the story.**

**Scene: Daria at the kitchen table, Daria has her hand on an Old Testament. Jake is beside her holding the book.**

**Jake: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?**

**Daria: I do.**

**Voice Over: Make that stories.**

**Scene: A court room. Daria is on the witness stand. Her hand is on the same book. This time it is a Bailiff administering the oath.**

**Bailiff: Do you swear that the evidence you are about to give concerning this matter is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?**

**Daria: I do.**

**Voice Over: All this, and much more, Next Week!**

**End Commercial**   


Scene: Morgendorffer Residence, Exterior. It is morning. Cut to the living room. Daria and Quinn are walking down stairs, scratching themselves just below their armpits and yawning. They walk over to the door to the kitchen and open it. Cut to the kitchen stove and microwave, where Jake and Helen are making breakfast. 

Jake: Morning Daria. Morning, Quinn. 

Helen: How was your Homecoming, Quinn? 

Cut to Daria and Quinn. 

Daria: Morning, Dad. 

Quinn: It was ok. 

Cut to Helen and Jake. 

Jake: That's nice. Did Jane come over and watch some bad movies with you, Daria? 

Cut to Daria and Quinn, who have sat down. 

Daria: No. 

Quinn: She went to the dance, all by herself. 

Cut to Jake and Helen. They have finished cooking and are taking some biscuits, turkey bacon, eggs, and orange juice to the table. They sit it down, putting Daria and Quinn in the shot. Zoom to Jake, who picks up his newspaper. 

Jake: What's this? Isn't this your new history teacher? (Turns the paper around to the camera. Zoom into the picture of Ben being led away in handcuffs. Zoom back out to Daria, Quinn, Helen, and Jake) 

Daria: (Look of Shock, but unfeigned and for a different reason than Jake and Helen interpret.) Yes it is. What happened? 

Jake: Says here, that though the security footage and the eyewitnesses were ambiguous, one student's account clearly nailed Mr. Breech... 

Daria: (interrupting) that's Breeck, Dad. 

Jake: Breeck as the aggressor. He has been arraigned for assault and battery with a deadly weapon, attempted murder, breaking and entering, and carrying a concealed weapon without a permit. 

Daria: (Muttering) Upchuck. 

Helen: What's that? 

Daria: Nothing. 

Quinn: It was nothing like that! He was simply trying to disarm this guy who crashed the dance! 

Helen: (Looking at the paper, acquires a look of shock, that quickly turns to anger.) Daria! Go to your room, Right Now! 

Daria: What? 

Helen: Right Now! (Through Clinched Teeth) You disobeyed my grounding. Go! You too, Quinn. You didn't report it to me. 

Cut to: 

Split Screen between Jane's room, and Isaac's apartment. 

Jane: And to top add insult to injury, Mr. Breeck is the one led off in chains. 

Isaac: There ain't no justice. 

Jane: What really frosts me is that Upchuck is selling him down the river when Mr. Breeck is the one who saved his ass. 

Isaac: What? Why that... 

Jane: (interrupting) Well, there might be a way to get at him. About two hours before the game, I saw him enter the fieldhouse with a dirty shovel and an oily grin. 

Isaac: From what you tell me of him, he always has an oily grin. 

Jane: But he wasn't hitting on any girls. 

Isaac: I see. 

Jane: I think we should do some exploring. Meet me behind the the school. 

Isaac. Sure. My shift doesn't start until 2:30. 

Jane: Plenty of time. 

Cut to: 

Ben in a jail cell. He has the beginnings of a black eye and two days worth of stubble. He picks up a piece of chalk and scratches a mark next to the previous one. 

Ben: The way of the world: Let no good deed go unpunished. (Sighs) 

Super: To Be Continued. 

Roll Credits: Theme: _Stormy Monday Blues_ by Jethro Tull. 

Makeovers: 

Ben as Batman 

Daria as Burnhilda in Wagner's _Ring Cycle_. 

Jane as Whistler's Mother. 

Quinn as one of the Littles. 

Tom as a member of the _Stargate: SG1_ team. 

Doug Thompson as Johnny Rotten. 

Upchuck 's face on a rat caught in a mousetrap. 

Sandi as Ilse Koch, the Bitch of Buchenwald. 

Jake and Helen as Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette. 

Daria Logo. 

1. This is due to the events in Episode 1:04, Family Junk Bonds. 

2. I really do have that sword. 

3. What happened to Coach Sverin? That's a good question, but not one for the immediate future. 

4. He's talking about events near the end of _Is It Fall Yet?_

5. As _See Jane Run_ notes, she's not just the P.E. Teacher, she's the cheerleading coach. 

6. See the end of _Family Junk Bonds_. 

7. They got a new van since the events of that episode. 

8. The first time occured during the events of _I Loathe a Parade_. 

   [1]: #1
   [2]: #2
   [3]: #3
   [4]: #4
   [5]: #5
   [6]: #6
   [7]: #7
   [8]: #8



	6. Courtroom Trauma

Disclaimer

The Characters of Daria Morgendorffer, Quinn Morgendorffer, Jane Lane, Trent Lane, Jesse Moreno, Nick Campbell, Max Tyler, Kevin Thompson, Michael Jordan "Mack" MacKenzie, Brittany Taylor, Jodie Landon, Angela Li, Anthony DeMartino, and many more, even if not mentioned here, are the Creation of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis and Copyright MTV Studios.   
Lyrics to _American Pie_ are copyright 1971 Don McLean and Warner-EMI records, used without permission. This story is in no way to be construed as a challenge to said copyrights. 

Some of the events and persons mentioned in this fanfic did happen and do exist, but have been somewhat fictionalized. I myself have diverged from the alternate self shown here sometime in 1996. To those of you who may be offended, remember: this is a cartoon. This is not and could never be real. 

Permission is granted to repost, republish, or retransmit this work in any way, shape, or form as long as these disclaimers remain intact, and no one except Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, MTV Studios, or Viacom, the parent of MTV receive financial remuneration. 

Historians' Note: This story and its sequels take place in lieu of the prospective Season Five. 

Opening Sequence: 

Splendora's _You're Standing On My Neck_ has been replaced by _Man on the Moon _by REM, and the following montage plays: 

Mr. Ben Breeck looks resigned. Pan over to his students, who include Daria, Jane, Kevin, Brittany, Upchuck, and most of the rest of the gang in Daria's class. 

Ben is in Principal Li's office, with narrowed eyes, and regards Li, who is yakking in grandiose terms, with a look of tired incredulity. 

Pizza King. Ben is grading papers while hoisting a slice with pepperoni, bacon, onions, anchovies, and sun dried tomatoes. Pan to Daria, Jane, and Tom's booth. Daria is suspicious, Jane is startled, and Tom's face is neutral. 

A dance. Ben approaches Claire DeFoe and says something. She blushes and takes his hand. Pan to Upchuck with a camera snapping a picture. 

The classroom again. Mr. Breeck pulls a sleeping Kevin's face up by his hair, removes some googly-eyed Groucho glasses from his face, folds them, then drops Kevin's face back on his desk. Pan to Daria, Jane, and Jodie's approving glances. 

The Zen. Mystik Spiral is thrashing on stage, and Trent is singing like his life depends on it. Pan to the audience where one of the patrons is Ben, who's looking rather unimpressed. 

Daria is at a street corner with Tom, who is speaking. He stops talking, his tongue cleaving to the roof of his mouth. At the exact same instant, she acquires a cold, angry look, says something between clinched teeth, and stalks out of the shot. 

The Zen. Ben is up on stage and apparently doing a monologue. Pan to the audience, which includes Daria, Jane, and Mystik Spiral. Everybody is laughing except Daria. 

Close-up of Daria Smirking, which acquires an oval around it. Zoom into the Daria Logo. Super: Daria in: 

**Courtroom Trauma**   
A Daria Fan Fiction by Ben Breeck   
Episode 1:06 of the New Teacher Series. 

  
  
  
  
  


Voice Over: Last Time on The New Teacher Series... 

Scene: Carter County Mobile Home Park. Ben is holding his wooden bastard sword and breathing heavily. 

Ben: (Thought Voice Over) I don't think I've seen the last of him. Look's like I'll have to get my sandpaper from Lowe's. 

Scene: Lawndale High, The Gym. The Emergency Exit is open and Doug Thompson is entering through it. 

Doug: I want to find that _Beep_ who flunked my pride and joy. I want to teach him a lesson in hopelessness! There you are! 

Scene: Policeman is Mirandising Ben. Pan through Doug Thompson being loaded onto a stretcher and hauled off to Daria, Jane, and Tom. 

Daria: Party's over. Lets go. 

Tom: We'd better talk to that guy, first. 

Pan to the policeman with the pad and pencil. 

Scene: Morgendorffer Residence, The Kitchen. Daria, Quinn, Jake, and Helen are around the table 

Daria! Go to your room, Right Now! 

Daria: What? 

Helen: Right Now! (Through Clinched Teeth) You disobeyed my grounding. Go! You too, Quinn. You didn't report it to me. 

Scene: Split Screen between Jane's room and Isaac's apartment. 

Jane: (interrupting) Well, there might be a way to get at him. About two hours before the game, I saw him enter the fieldhouse with a dirty shovel and an oily grin. 

Isaac: From what you tell me of him, he always has an oily grin. 

Jane: But he wasn't hitting on any girls. 

Isaac: I see. 

Jane: I think we should do some exploring. Meet me behind the the school. 

Voice Over: And now the conclusion.   


Scene: A Jail Cell. Ben is behind bars, singing Don McLean's _American Pie_. 

Ben: And in there we were all in one place/ A generation lost in space/ With no time left to start again./ So come on Jack be nimble Jack be quick/ Jumping Jack Flash sat on a candlestick/ 'Cause fire is the Devil's only friend... 

Link: (Off Screen, Interrupting) Uncle Ben![1][1]

Pan To Link running towards the cell. Maintain the shot as he reaches it, reestablishing the shot with Ben. 

Ben: Link. How are you doing? 

Link: Same as always. 

Ben: That bad? 

Link: Well, Daria's grounded, and her parents are really clamping down. (Beat) Did you really bring a shot gun to that dance? 

Ben: No, I didn't. I don't even have a gun license. (Evil Grin) Besides, were I to go on a killing spree, you know what I would use. 

Link. (Hard smirk) Yes I know. There's this kid, freckles, red hair, says you did it, that's all. 

Ben: I see. (sigh) 

Link: Don't worry. We'll get you out in no time. 

Ben: I'm sorry, Link, but you don't have that kind of cash on you, unless you raid your college fund, or your parents get another mortgage on the family bumpstead. 

Link: Don't worry. It's not from them. 

Ben: (Staring suspiciously) Who is it from? 

Cut to:   


Scene: Split screen between Jane's room and the Sloane kitchen. Jane and Tom are talking to each other. 

Tom: Why exactly am I going to hit my father up for money to hire someone from Daria's mother's law firm to defend this guy? 

Jane: For old time's sake?[2][2]

Tom: That doesn't sound like a very good reason. 

Jane: Because it's the right thing to do? I mean you know he's innocent of all the charges brought against him. Upchuck the Elder is quite a sore loser, especially on behalf of his son. He's helping to finance the prosecution. Or should I say, persecution. 

Tom: If my father always did the right thing, Grace, Sloane, and Page[3][3] would be bankrupt. 

Jane: (Growing Impatient) Then do it for Daria! Mr. Makuchek came out of retirement to replace Mr. Breeck until the outcome of the trial, and the man is a worse lecturer than Ben Stein's character in _Ferris Beuller's Day Off_! I think I know where Trent got his narcolepsy. And Daria's suffering worse than I am! 

Tom: Well, if you put it that way... 

Cut to:   


Scene: The front lobby of the law offices of Vitale, Davis, Horowitz, Riorden, Schrecter, Schrecter and Schrecter. Marianne is typing something on a computer. She looks up and smiles. 

Marianne: Good Morning. 

Pan to Angier Sloane. Maintain the shot as he walks over to the front desk, reestablishing the shot with Marianne. 

Angier: Which of the partners handles criminal law? 

Marianne: That would be Marty Horowitz and Mindy Riorden. 

Angier. I see. Are they available right now? 

Marianne: (looking through a Rolodex) Marty has a client coming in at 9:00, but Mindy should be free for at least an hour and a half. 

Angier: Then please buzz her and tell her that Mr. Sloane from Grace, Sloane, and Page would like to talk to her. 

Marianne: You mean you're _that_ Mr. Sloane? 

Angier: Yes, indeed. 

Marianne: Sure thing. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Daria's Room. Daria is surfing on the net, when she comes across an item. The Mona Lisa smile crosses her lips. She does some rapid fire clicking and typing, then the computer prints out something. Daria rips it out of the printout tray and exits the shot. Cut to Daria in the hallway. Daria takes the paper and slides it under a door. Then walks out of the shot. 

Jake: (Off Screen) Oh My God! This is terrible! 

Cut to Jake and Helen's room. Jake is pointing at the paper he's holding up. 

Helen: What is it? 

Jake: Remember Pinkmonkey.com? 

Helen: Yeah. 

Jake: Read this. It now really is a penny stock! 

Helen: What? This means... 

Jake: We'll be making payments on the house when Quinn gets her Ph.D.. 

Helen: And I've been such a Jenny Ass. 

Jake: Don't say that, honey. 

Helen: (Looking at the back of the paper:) What's this? 

Daria: (Voice Over, Offscreen) This is to give notice that I am suing you two in Family Court for reckless misuse of funds and blatant disregard for any concept of justice. The amount of damages sought is equal to the principal misappropriated, plus prejudgment interest, plus punitive damages of 30% of the original principal. To adjudicate this case, I am calling on the one individual who is equally predisposed against both parties; namely Quinn Morgendorffer. P.S.: If the judgment is in my favor, my grounding is to be retroactively lifted as if it never happened. More Sincerely Than You Have Ever Been, Daria Morgendorffer. 

Helen: (Angry) Not Again! 

Jake: (Sighing) Honey, I'm afraid we'll have to face the music. 

Helen: (Looking Defeated) Very Well. 

Commercial Break. Stinger: Ben singing in the jail cell.   


Scene: Angier Sloane's BMW. Angier is driving and Ben is riding shotgun. 

Angier: That was a very brave thing you did. You probably saved my son's ungrateful life. 

Ben: It was damn stupid of me. I nearly got myself killed. 

Angier: But you didn't. It's not as if you strutted at him to get blown away. In business school, we call it a "calculated risk." 

Ben: I see. (Beat) I realize it's a little crass of me, Mr. Sloane, but what's the scorecard? I don't have the foggiest notion of what's going on. 

Angier: Well, you think that Lawndale is just this sleepy town in Texas, basically a suburb of Houston, but big enough for a good sized airport and some good-and-not-so-good paying day jobs. 

Ben: But isn't it? 

Angier: It is, but there's more. You see, the politics of this little town are rather shady. 

Ben: Listen, I grew up in Frankfort, Kentucky. Between half the county elected officials now cooling their heels in LaGrange, Otter Creek, and Eddyville, and Operation BOPTrot sending half of our state legislators to Club Fed,[4][4] I think I know what's going on. 

Angier: You don't. And I pray you never find everything out. But, in pertinent part, have you ever wondered why you are the first teacher in the Lawndale independent school system to give Kevin Thompson a failing grade since his seventh grade? 

Ben: Well, I simply assumed that flunking him would bring down the wrath of his father. 

Angier: Actually, Doug's a paper tiger. If Ms. Li's security measures had been fully functional,[5][5] Doug would have been a vegetable long before he reached that door, let alone before you gave him that internal wrist hemorrhage and brain hematoma. No, the last time a teacher flunked Kevin Thompson, they found some cocaine in his desk. Never mind that security camera footage showed that it wasn't there the last time he was going through it and he didn't put it there. Still serving time, so I here. 

Ben: (Look of incredulity) Uh, you mean he was framed? 

Angier: (Knowing smile.) What do you think? 

Ben: I see. 

Angier: But if it were only that I would just bail you out and then keep away. However, there is a reason that might be more personal. 

Ben: And that is? 

Angier: Charles Ruttheimer Jr. doesn't like his son having disciplinary problems any more than Charles III likes having them himself. 

Ben: (Grimacing) Really now? Charles hit on three different girls who obviously didn't care to be hit on. If it were in my authority, I would send him over to a women's prison for three days to drive home the message. How'd the Ruttheimmers get all that money when they seem too sleazy to even operate a used car dealership? 

Angier: That isn't relevant. Thing is, it's a potential bear trap for them, considering all the possible witnesses. But for now, they are just potential witnesses. 

Ben: What's going on? 

Angier: Have you ever played a seventeenth century wargame? 

Ben: Well, I have _Shogun: Total War_ on my hard drive. 

Angier: Good enough. See, you are flanked on two sides, and either side could easily roll you over. But, lucky for you their marching lines are interfering with each other, hampering their line integrity and their mobility. 

Ben: I see. 

Angier: It's no sure thing, either way. You have at least five witnesses in your favor. That's something. Remember: The more friends you have in this cruel world, the better. I had to learn that lesson the hard way. (Car Stops) And don't worry about your car. I had it towed over here. 

Ben: (Getting Out) Thanks, I think. 

Angier: (Smiling) Don't thank me. I have dozens of reasons for doing this. It's my son who needs a lesson in gratitude. (Starts Car and Drives Off) 

Ben: (Thought Voice Over) What the hell is going on? 

Cut to:   


Scene: Long Shot of Lawndale High Football field. Jane and Isaac are feeling the ground near the 50 yard line. 

Jane: (feeling at a 40 yard hash mark) Isaac! Over here! 

Isaac: What is it? 

Jane: This spot is spongy, as if it's been dug up and replanted recently. 

Cut to tight shot of Jane and Isaac. Isaac feels the spot in question. 

Isaac: Whoa! 

Jane feels around the edges of the spot, then pulls up a piece of sod corresponding to the spot, and gasps. She then smells the sod and gets suspicious expression on her face. 

Jane: Mineral Oil? 

Isaac: Jane, could you clue me in? I'm really not the MacGuyver type, you know. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Morgendorffer Residence: Exterior. Cut to the kitchen. Jake and Helen are seated on one side of the kitchen table, Daria on the other, and Quinn at the center. 

Quinn: Oyez, Oyez, (Pronounces it "Oy-ez) Morgendorffer Family Court, Part Four is now in session. This Case is between Daria Morgendorffer, pl- pl- 

Daria: (Interrupting) Plaintiff. 

Quinn: Plaintiff, and Jacob Morgendorffer, referred to as "Jake" and Helen Barksdale-Morgendorffer, Refried to "Helen," the defendants. The Complaint alleges that Jake and Helen misappropriated a savings account set up by Daria referred to as her "Montana Cabin Fund," then added insult to injury by mismanaging it by investing it in certificates of deposit and in lots of shares in some stock called Pinkmonkey.com. The defendants claim that the money was, at the time, believed well spent. Have I gotten all the claims right? 

Daria, Jake, and Helen nod once. 

Quinn: Good. Any opening arguments? 

Daria: Let's skip those. There's nothing in them that can't be shown in the presentation of one's case. 

Helen: I agree. 

Quinn: Daria, would you like to call your first witness? 

Daria: I just have my own self as a witness, since Jane and Tom would only count as hearsay. 

Quinn: Well, here we go, then. (Puts a book on the table. It is a Hebrew Old Testament.) 

Jake gets out of his seat and walks over to Daria. Daria puts one hand on the Bible and puts one hand in the air. 

Jake: Do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God? 

Daria: I do. 

Jake returns to his seat. 

Quinn: Please describe, in your own words, what happened. 

Daria: It all started when I got home after signing up for the academic team... 

Misty Dissolve with harp to front hall and family room.[6][6] Jake is in his easy chair, watching some talk show. Daria enters and shuts the front door. 

Daria: (Voice Over, Narration) The first thing that put me on warning that things were wonkier than usual was Dad's nervousness. He seemed awfully wired for a show about transvestite mimes and the women who loved them. 

Jake: (sounding more nervous than usual) How are you doing, kiddo? 

Daria: Ok, except for losing a friend and joining an extracurricular activity. 

Jake: (Enthusiastically) Really, this calls for a celebration! (Grabs the telephone off the stand and presses a speed dial button.) 

Daria: (Voice Over, Narration) And then I thought it strange that he was so quick to celebrate my joining an extracurricular activity. After all, two years ago, I was on the yearbook staff. 

Daria: (Off screen) I don't see any reason to celebrate my alienation from someone. 

Jake (holding the phone up to his ear) It isn't that Jane girl, now is it? (beat) Hello, Marianne, I want you to get Helen. 

Daria: No, it wasn't Jane. 

Jake: I'm sorry pumpkin. But your getting into an extracurricular activity is wonderful news. (beat) Helen, Daria just got into an extra curricular activity. (beat) Yes, that is wonderful. (beat) That would be perfect. (hangs up) Guess what, Helen's coming home! This is the second piece of good news today and we're celebrating by getting the buffet at the Lucky Dragon. 

Daria: (Sounding Frustrated) Didn't you hear what I said? I lost a good friend. 

Jake: Don't worry, kiddo. (beat) Say, who was that friend? 

Cut to Daria. 

Daria: It was Jodie. 

Cut to Jake. 

Daria: (Voice Over, Narration) But I knew something was very wrong when he explained his good mood. 

Jake: I'm sorry, hon. But here's something to cheer you up. I just discovered this account we didn't know we had! (Pan to Daria's shocked face as Jake continues talking, then cut back to Jake) There must have been $3500 in it! More than enough for two CDs and a couple lots of stock. In six more months, if all goes well, we'll be able to tell the bank to go kiss off! 

Cut to an obviously pissed Daria. 

Daria: (Voice Over, Narration) I knew that windfall could only have come from my Montana Cabin Fund. 

Daria: You did _what_ with that money? 

Cut to Jake. 

Jake: We put it in two certificates of deposit and some shares of a stock called Pinkmonkey.com, why, Daria? Daria? 

Pan to the stairs, where Daria is stomping up them. 

Misty Dissolve Back to Kitchen Table. 

Quinn: So, What did you do after that? 

Daria: Calling the bank was a mere formality, but I did it anyway. 

Misty Dissolve to Split Screen between Daria's Room and a bank teller, who looks suspiciously like Ashley-Amber Taylor. They are talking on the phone. 

Daria: My Name is Daria Morgendorffer, My Social Security Number is 125-22-5672, My Date of Birth is 3-19-83, I live at 1111 Glen Oaks Lane. 

Teller: Could you please spell it out? 

Daria: (Sighing) D-A-R-I-A-M-O-R-G-E-N-D-O-R-F-F-E-R 

Teller: I see. What do you want to know, Ms. Morgendorffer? 

Daria: How much money do I have in account 6? 

Teller: That account has been closed. 

Daria: (Look of Madness, but keep the deadpan voice.) Really? 

Teller: Yes, your mother, Helen authorized a transfer of funds to her checking account. 

Daria: (Through Clinched Teeth) I see. And why did you do this? I don't remember giving anyone access to my accounts here. 

Teller: Bank rules: parents can bank for minors any time they need to. 

Daria: Thank you. (Hangs Up, Puts her head in her hair. Then walks over to her closet, opens it, and stares blankly inside.) 

Misty Dissolve back to the kitchen table. 

Daria: Shortly thereafter I called Tom and arranged a date. 

Quinn: What did you do about after that? 

Daria: A few days later, after calling Tom about my academic team schedule, I confronted Mom and Dad. 

Misty dissolve to Jake and Helen in their room. 

Jake: You know, I was wondering if maybe we could get away to New Orleans some time? 

Helen: Maybe. Do you want to tour the Tabasco Plant again? 

Knock at the door. 

Jake and Helen: (In chorus) Who is it? 

Daria: (Off Screen) It's me. You know, Cash Cow? 

Helen: Daria, really. Come in, come in. 

Pan to the Door. Door opens and Daria steps through. 

Daria: (Stonefaced) Why did you steal my Montana Cabin Fund and use it to buy a penny stock? Why didn't you... 

Helen: (Interrupting) Daria, what are you talking about? It was mine. It _was_ addressed to me. 

Daria: (through clinched teeth) It was addressed to _Ms. Morgendorffer_! Didn't it register to you that it was _my_ social security number on that account? _My_ birthday? _My_ control number? 

Helen: Oh, Dear, really? 

Daria: I (Takes a breath to get a hold of herself) I want you to return my money. 

Jake: Sorry kiddo, but no can do. If we pull out now, we'll miss all the upward potential. 

Helen: And those CDs are 72 months. Incredible penalties for withdrawing right now. 

Daria: (Visibly Pissed) I see. (Turns and stalks out of the shot.) 

Misty Dissolve Back to the Table. 

Daria: It's a good thing all the steak knives and kitchen knives were in the dishwasher, otherwise, this trial would be happening in Circuit Court 6, part 5, and I would be the defendant. The Plaintiff rests. 

Quinn: (To Helen) Any cross examination? 

Cut to:   


Scene: Split screen between Jane's room and Isaac's apartment. Jane and Isaac are on the phone. 

Isaac: Should we take this to Ms. Riorden? 

Jane: No, not yet. Remember, if we don't fork over the money to pay her, we can't be her clients, and privilege goes out the window. 

Isaac: Well, then, I guess we confront this Upchuck. 

Jane: When do you get off work tomorrow? 

Isaac: I don't start until 6:00, but I get off around 2:00 A.M. 

Jane: Good. 

Cut to: 

Scene: Court Room. The Bailiff, (Who looks like Richard Moll[7][7]) is standing next to the bench. Present are Ben Breeck and Mindy Riorden at the Defense table, D.A. Michael Kulp, Charles Ruttheimers Jr and III, and ADA Leah McMillan at the prosecution table, various odds and sods in the peanut gallery, and a jury of twelve people bored out of their skulls. Also present are the court sketch artist and court reporter. Pan to the Defense table. 

Ben: I only see three people on our witness list. Are you sure you can get the prosecution's star witness on cross examination? 

Riorden: Don't worry. We didn't file a motion to participate in discovery. 

Ben: I hope you know what you are doing. 

Pan to the bailiff as the Judge (who looks a lot like Dilbert's first boss [Before the Pointy haired one]) enters and walks past the bailiff. 

Bailiff: All rise. Circuit Court 6, part 3 for the state of Texas is now in session. The honorable Ivan A. Hardass presiding. 

The Judge walks over to the bench and sits down. 

Judge: You may be seated. 

Bailiff: Case Number 2436, People Vs. Ben Breeck. The Charges are Attempted Murder in the second degree, assault and battery with a deadly weapon, breaking and entering, and carrying a concealed deadly weapon without a permit. 

Judge: (looking at the prosecution table) I see you are arguing this matter personally, Mr. Kulp. (looking at the defense table) Strange of you not to file a motion to participate in discovery. (Beat) The prosecution will now make its opening arguments. 

Pan to Prosecution Table: 

Kulp: Your Honor, Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I bring myself before you to prosecute a relatively new resident of Lawndale, Mr. Benjamin Breeck. (As Mr. Kulp continues to deliver his opening argument, we pan to the defense table and the expressions of mixed disbelief and ennui that both persons there show on their faces.) The people will show, through forensic evidence, eyewitness testimony, and character witnesses, (Cut Back to Kulp) that he came in to the Lawndale High School Homecoming dance with a Remmington 1200 pump shotgun and proceeded to...uh.. shoot an arc light in the gym and beat Mr. Doug Thompson within an inch of his life. Even now Mr. Thompson clings to life by the thinnest of threads. 

Cut to:   


Scene: The Morgendorffer Residence, Kitchen Table. Daria is pacing around, cross-examining Jake, who's looking a little nervous. 

Daria: So, exactly where did this hot tip come from? 

Jake: _Startup Spectator_. 

Daria: Did you know that _Startup Spectator_ was recently fined and enjoined by the SEC for repeatedly taking money for favorable analyses and not disclosing that fact to its readership? Did you know that FinancialWeb's Stock Detective section recently rated it in the "worst offender" status? 

Jake: Well, not really. They had always had records of _good_ stock picks. In that issue, they outlined the growth of three different companies' prices and recounted their recommendations. 

Daria: You are referring to Defense Exhibit 3, right? 

Jake: Yes. 

Daria: I took the liberty of examining the three stocks circled on page nine. Let me introduce Plaintiff's exhibits Seven, eight, and nine. (Handing three papers to Quinn and three to Jake) 

Quinn: OK. 

Daria: These are line graphs charting the three stocks in question. The one for BAT was gleaned from the _Penny Stock Journal_. The ones for Great White Marine and ImagineOn came from the _Wall Street Journal_. These three stocks each have one thing in common. What is it? 

Jake: (Shocked look on his face) From the looks of it, each one soared to more than 300% of their pervious purchase price in heavy early morning trading, three weeks after being profiled, only to fall below the initial price by the time the market closed at the end of that trading day. 

Daria: You'll also notice that they filed for some chapter of bankruptcy protection no more than two months after being profiled. Is that not true? 

Jake: (shrinking in his seat) It is. 

Helen: (To Quinn) Objection, Who's testifying here, Dad, or Daria? 

Daria. Don't worry, I'm almost done. 

Quinn: Overruled, for now. 

Daria: I thought you were a business consultant. These... 

Jake: (Interrupting, and breaking down) But I'm not a business consultant! I'm a_ management_ consultant. I tell people when to hire, when to fire, how, how to juggle numbers to pad the bottom line, how to reduce taxes, and how to hype a product. I don't know the first thing about securities! (Begins sobbing) 

Daria: (Mona Lisa Smile) No further questions. 

Commercial Break: Stinger, Daria grilling Jake.   


**Commercial:**

**Voice Over: On the Next Episode of the New Teacher Series, the academic season gets underway.**

**Scene: Daria, Jane, Jodie, and Kyle are on a table in front of the camera in the library, with name tags and little lights in front of each of them. Daria's light is on.**

**Daria: Leopold von Sacher-Masoch.**

**Cut to Referee.**

**Referee: Correct.**

**Voice Over: And Quinn has a little problem with her social life.**

**Scene: Quinn and David are kissing by the side of the road. Suddenly two paintballs splatter them.**

**Voice Over: All this and more, Next Week!**

**End Commercial**   


Scene: The Courtroom. Upchuck is testifying. 

Kulp: And what did you say to Mr. Thompson? 

Upchuck: He's right behind you. 

Kulp: And what did he do then? 

Upchuck: He turned around and forced Mr. Breeck's shotgun down. They went flying through the air. When Mr. Breeck got up, he beat Mr. Thompson with the shotgun until he was restrained by the police. 

Kulp: No further questions. (Goes back to his table) 

Pan to Mindy Riorden as she gets up. Maintain the shot as she walks near the witness stand. 

Riorden: I understand you have a problem with Mr. Breeck yourself. Isn't this true? 

Upchuck: What are you talking about, lady? 

Riorden: (Predatorily baring her teeth) Ma'am to you. 

Upchuck: Yes, Ma'am. 

Riorden: I'm talking about the fact that you received three consecutive detentions for sexual harassment and especial disruptions of class. Is that not true? 

Upchuck: Yeah, but.... 

Kulp: Objection! 

Quick cut to Kulp. 

Kulp: This witness is not on trial, the defendant is. 

Cut to Riorden and Upchuck. 

Riorden: Goes to credibility. The people opened this line of questioning by citing the witnesses academic record. 

Cut to Judge Hardass. 

Judge: Overruled. Answer the question. 

Cut to Upchuck. 

Upchuck: Yes. 

Sound of gasps from the peanut gallery. 

Cut to Judge Hardass pounding his gavel. 

Judge: Order! Order in the court! Order or I will clean it out. 

Cut to Ben. 

Ben: (Thought Voice Over, with a very broad grin.) Ham and Cheese on wry, your honor, ham and cheese on wry. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Morgendorffer residence, exterior. Cut to the Kitchen Table. Quinn is delivering her verdict. 

Quinn: I cannot believe the story I have just been presented with. It would almost be as if I had looted the Fashion Club Treasury before being kicked out. And it's made worse by the fact that it is Mom and Dad doing this. So I'm finding for the Plaintiff. (Noticing Daria's Mona Lisa Smile) Not so fast, Daria. You were the one to call Horace to talk about divorcing Mom and Dad[8][8]. I'm lifting the grounding and awarding the principal plus interest, (Wiggling her finger admonishingly) but no punitive damages. 

Jake and Helen sigh in relief. 

Daria: That's okay, as long as I got that judgment. 

Doorbell rings. 

Daria: I've been expecting that. 

Jake: That isn't that Tom fellow, is it? 

Daria: Nope. Not Tom. 

Daria gets up and exits the shot. 

Cut to exterior shot. Daria opens the door to meet Artie. 

Artie: I knew I'd been to this place before.[9][9]

Daria: What's this about? 

Artie: Here, I'm to serve you papers. Now get away from me before I call the INS, or maybe the Men in Black.[10][10] (Shoves envelope into her hands and exits the shot.) 

Cut to the living room. Daria is walking back. 

Helen: (Off screen) Who was it? 

Daria: (Reading the contents of the envelope) It's a subpeana. (Mona Lisa Smile) I'm going to testify in court. 

Cut to:   


Scene: The Courthouse, Exterior. Cut to the Court Room. Kulp is sitting down. 

Kulp: The people rest their case. 

Cut to the Judge. 

Judge: The defense may call its first witness. 

Pan to the defense table. 

Riorden: The defense calls Daria Morgendorffer. 

Cut to the Peanut gallery door, which opens to ingress Daria, who is carrying the Hebrew Old Testament from earlier. Maintain the shot as she walks through the gellery, past the tables, and over to the witness stand, and puts the book on a corner of the stand. The bailiff has a questioning expression on his face. 

Daria: (Raising her right hand and putting her left hand on the book) I preferr this one, okay? 

Bailiff: (Shrugs) Do you solemly swear that the evidence you are about to give is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God? 

Daria: I do. 

Cut to:   


Scene: The hallway. Jane and Isaac are walking along. 

Isaac: Are you sure about this? Aren't you afraid with all these security cameras and cops and bailiffs around? 

Jane: No, not really. We aren't blackmailing him for money, we're simply going to convince him to do the right thing, or else face the consequences of his own actions. His own other actions. 

Isaac: I see. (Chuckles, stops and points.) I think we were beaten to the punch. 

Pan to where Jodie and Mack flank Upchuck, who is visibly cowering. 

Jodie: No, no, Upchuck, you won't weasel away from this so easily. I don't know how you got those photographs. I don't care either. 

Mack: You are going to tell the court and everyone else the truth about Mr. Breeck. Then you are going to accept whatever it is the judge has to give, or else. 

Upchuck: Please! Surely we can make a deal. 

Mack: No can do! Not only did you put up pictures of Jodie, you also put up some of Daria and Brittany. If you do as we say, _right now_, maybe I won't tell Kevin and sic the entire football team on you. 

Jodie: And I'd hate to think of Daria's revenge. And don't call me Shirley! 

Cut to Upchuck. 

Upchuck: I swear, that isn't Daria! 

Cut to Jodie's and Mack's Angry Faces Cut back to Upchuck. 

Upchuck: Okay, okay, I'll do it! 

Cut To Jane and Isaac. 

Isaac: We were too late. 

Jane: Darn. 

Cut to:   


Scene: The courtroom. Close up of Daria giving testimony. 

Daria: And so there Mr. Thompson was there, making a fool of himself, shooting out a light, and demanding to see whoever flunked Kevin. 

Riorden: (Off Screen) What were his exact words? 

Daria: He said, and I quote I want to find that _Beep_ who flunked my pride and joy. I want to teach him a lesson in hopelessness. Unquote. 

Riorden: And then what happened? 

Daria: Then he spotted Mr. Breeck, called him out, and shot at him. 

Upchuck: She's telling the truth. I've been lying for for revenge! 

Pan to Upchuck entering the courtroom to a murmuring peanut gallery. Cut to Judge Hardass pounding his gavel. 

Judge: That's it. Bailiffs, clear the courtroom. 

Cut to Mindy Riorden. 

Riorden: Your Honor, the Defense moves to dismiss this case, with prejudice. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Ben is leaving the courthouse, flanked by Mindy Riorden and Claire DeFoe. A bunch of reporters barrage them with questions and microphones as they make their way to their respective cars. Cut to Daria and Jane looking on at the scene. 

Daria: The judge threw the book at him for malicious prosecution and perjury. We won't be seeing him for a while, I think. 

Jane: And I don't think Kulp is going to be walking tall anytime soon. 

Daria: I got to hand it to you, Jane. If you hadn't been there, this thing could have lasted for many moons. 

Jane: (Pointing) I'm not the one to thank. 

Pan to Jodie running up. 

Jodie: Friends? 

Cut to Daria: 

Daria: (Mona Lisa Smile) Friends. 

Pan across the street. Angier and Katherine Sloane are looking on as well. 

Katherine: All's well that ends well, huh? 

Angier: I'm not sure this is the end. Certainly Mr. Breeck had nothing to do with Mr. Ruttheimer's change of heart. 

Katherine: True. 

Angier: And just think. My big brother really reeled in a live one with that marriage to Dottie. 

Katherine: Do you think we ought to tell him? 

Angier: No. He' a bright boy. Let him figure it out.[11][11] Now, we are going to have a long talk with Thomas about the value of a dollar, and the value of goodwill. 

Roll Credits. Theme: _I Shot the Sheriff_ by Bob Marley. 

Makeovers: 

Ben as Bugsy Seagal 

Link as Peter Pan 

Angier Sloane as a Yakuza Oyabun 

Daria as Sabrina, the Teen Age Witch 

Quinn in Graduation Dress 

Jake and Helen as the couple in the painting _American Gothic_

Jane and Isaac as cop show plainclothes detectives 

Jodie and Mack as Cloak and Dagger 

Upchuck as Chucky from _Child's Play_. 

Daria Logo   
  


Notes: 

1. The relationship between my cartoon self and Link was established in "Family Junk Bonds." 

2. As in the last episode of Season Three and all of Season Four. 

3. The name of Angier Sloan's investment firm comes from _Is it Fall Yet?_

4. These are real events. You can look them up in AltaVista or Google. 

5. To get an acurate picture of Ms. Li's security measures, one need simply look through _The Daria Diaries_ and _The Daria Database_. One can also get a good idea by watching _Fizz Ed_ and listening to the conversations at the beginning of the episode. 

6. This is the second scene of the second act of _Pedantic Team_ being recalled. 

7. Bull Shannon (The tall bald guy) from _Night Court_. 

8. See the second act of _Family Junk Bonds_. 

9. Actually, he hasn't. He only thinks he has. 

10. See _The Lawndale File_. 

11. In real life, My Aunt Dottie's husband is surnamed Sloane. No, it's true! I swear it, so **_please_** don't come after me with a crossbow, Canadibrit. 

   [1]: #1
   [2]: #2
   [3]: #3
   [4]: #4
   [5]: #5
   [6]: #6
   [7]: #7
   [8]: #8
   [9]: #9
   [10]: #10
   [11]: #11



	7. Open Season

Disclaimer:

The Characters of Daria Morgendorffer, Quinn Morgendorffer, Jane Lane, Trent Lane, Jesse Moreno, Nick Campbell, Max   
Tyler, Kevin Thompson, Michael Jordan "Mack" MacKenzie, Brittany Taylor, Jodie Landon, Angela Li, Anthony DeMartino,   
and many more, even if not mentioned here, are the Creation of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis and Copyright MTV Studios.   
This story is in no way to be construed as a challenge to said copyright. 

Some of the events and persons mentioned in this fanfic did happen and do exist, but have been somewhat fictionalized. I   
myself have diverged from the alternate self shown here sometime in 1996. To those of you who may be offended, remember:   
this is a cartoon. This is not and could never be real. 

Permission is granted to repost, republish, or retransmit this work in any way, shape, or form as long as these disclaimers   
remain intact, and no one except Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, MTV Studios, or Viacom, the parent of MTV receive financial   
remuneration. 

Historians' Note: This story and its sequels take place in lieu of the prospective Season Five. 

Opening Sequence: 

Splendora's _You're Standing On My Neck_ has been replaced by _Man on the Moon_ by REM, and the following montage   
plays: 

Mr. Ben Breeck looks resigned. Pan over to his students, who include Daria, Jane, Kevin, Brittany, Upchuck, and most of the rest of the gang in Daria's class. 

Ben is in Principal Li's office, with narrowed eyes, and regards Li, who is yakking in grandiose terms, with a look of tired incredulity. 

Pizza King. Ben is grading papers while hoisting a slice with pepperoni, bacon, onions, anchovies, and sun dried tomatoes. Pan to Daria, Jane, and Tom's booth. Daria is suspicious, Jane is startled, and Tom's face is neutral. 

A dance. Ben approaches Claire DeFoe and says something. She blushes and takes his hand. Pan to Upchuck with a camera snapping a picture. 

The classroom again. Mr. Breeck pulls a sleeping Kevin's face up by his hair, removes some googly-eyed Groucho glasses from his face, folds them, then drops Kevin's face back on his desk. Pan to Daria, Jane, and Jodie's approving glances. 

The Zen. Mystik Spiral is thrashing on stage, and Trent is singing like his life depends on it. Pan to the audience where one of the patrons is Ben, who's looking rather unimpressed. 

Daria is at a street corner with Tom, who is speaking. He stops talking, his tongue cleaving to the roof of his mouth. At the exact same instant, she acquires a cold, angry look, says something between clinched teeth, and stalks out of the shot. 

The Zen. Ben is up on stage and apparently doing a monologue. Pan to the audience, which includes Daria, Jane, and Mystik Spiral. Everybody is laughing except Daria. 

Close-up of Daria Smirking, which acquires an oval around it. Zoom into the Daria Logo. Super: Daria in: 

**Open Season**

A Piece of Daria Fan Fiction by Ben Breeck   
Episode 1:07 of The New Teacher Series 

  
  


Scene: Establishing Shot of Lawndale High. Cut to a class room. Pan to Mr. Breeck in front of the class. 

Ben: I have looked over the test Mr. Makuchek gave you, and your grades as well. I have come to the following decision. If you got a B or and A, you can keep the grade, but anyone with a C, D, or F will get his or her respective mark dropped.[1][1]

Sound of "Yeaaaa" Coming from the students. Pan to Daria and Jane 

Daria: Well, that's one less F Kevin has to worry about. 

Jane: Good. I was borderline on that test. Nearly got a C. 

Daria: Aren't you sorry you didn't answer that one question wrong. 

Jane: A little. How are you and Tom doing? 

Daria: I don't know. His cooperation saved my sanity, which means I ought to be utterly ooey-gooey about him, but strangely, I'm not. (Beat) And he seems increasingly distant at times. 

Jane: I thought you two were talking again. 

Daria: We are. But when he looks at me, it's as if... 

Jane: He's lost in your eyes? In another world? 

Daria: More like he's looking right past me. (Beat) Even when we make eye contact. 

Jane: Really now? That never happened to us, I don't think. 

Cut to Ben, who is lecturing: 

Ben: The warriors of Germanic tribes didn't wear those absurd winged helmets you see in every production of a Wagner opera. If they did, then whenever an ax caught on one of the wings, it could wrench the the helmet and the wearer sufficiently sideways to break the idiot's neck. Instead what they wore when they wore one was a lighter helmet called a Spanghelm. It was basically a Greco-Roman design without the ridiculous crest and with better cheek guards and a nose guard, but such a restrained taste in armor is hardly what would sell to Hollywood or the general movie-going public. (Bell Rings) Class dismissed. And remember, the first Academic match this season is here in the library. All of you are invited to cheer us on. 

Cut to Daria and Jane's startled looks. 

Daria: Eep. 

Cut to:   


Scene: The Sidewalk. Daria and Jane are walking along. 

Daria: I don't realise how it could be time so soon. 

Jane: I don't know. Mr. O'Neill only told the team five times at each study session while Mr. Breeck was on trial. 

Daria: Mr. O'Neill? Oh, that's right, I've been grounded.[2][2]

Jane: Aren't you glad you sneaked out to Homecoming?[3][3]

Daria: I certainly am. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Split Screen between Daria's Room and the Sloane Kitchen. Daria and Tom are talking on the phone. 

Daria: Well, Friday is the first match of the season. 

Tom: Good. I'm looking forward to it. 

Daria: Anything to expect from Fielding Prep? 

Tom: Well, if Jimmy is still there, you will have to deal with a guy who constantly buzzes in with the wrong answer. 

Daria: This will be fun. 

Tom: (Silence) 

Daria: Tom? 

Tom: (startled look) Oh, and by the way, my a former girlfriend of mine is one of their star players. 

Daria: (suspicious look) How former? 

Tom: We broke up way before Jane and I met, but we're still friends. She's a little high strung. 

Daria: How high strung? 

Tom: She makes Brittany Taylor seem like Tiffany Blum-Decker. 

Daria: (Raises one eyebrow) 

Cut to:   


Scene: Split screen between Jane's room and Isaac's apartment. 

Jane: Well, Mystik Spiral has just finished recording that big debut album. It's going to the presses, the zappers and the burners as we speak.[4][4]

Isaac: Cool. Did they use some of my songs? 

Jane: Actually, no. They already had too many for the master. Trent did promise to use some in their next one. 

Isaac: I see. That's cool. 

Jane: I don't have very high hopes for them. Trash Weasel has an awfully well earned reputation for living up to its name. 

Isaac: Don't worry. Huey Lewis and the News almost didn't make it because their first label went down the tubes.[5][5] Their debut album bombed. And if Trash Weasel tries to hold them to too tight a leash, they can always pull a Tom Petty.[6][6]

Jane: (smiling evilly) Only if Daria's mom does the paperwork on a pro bono basis. (Beat) By the way, Friday after school is my first Academic Match. Want to come and watch? We're facing Tom's Alma Mater. 

Isaac: I'd love to go, but my shift starts at 4:00 that day. Promise to tell me all about it on Saturday. 

Jane: Okay. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Morgendorffer Residence, Exterior. David's Chevy Celebrity pulls over to the curb. Quinn gets out and closes the door. 

Quinn: That was a wonderful date, David. 

Car Drives out of the shot. Cut to the front door. Quinn grasps the doorknob, then gasps in shock. She then begins pulling on it and starts to pound the door with her purse. 

Quinn: Daria! Daria! 

Door opens with Quinn's hand still grasping the doorknob. 

Daria: Damnit Quinn, Mom and Dad are asleep. 

Quinn: Daria, why did you put superglue on the doorknob? 

Daria: Quinn, that wasn't me. Here let me go into the kitchen so that I can get some stuff to get this gunk off. And keep it down, please. 

Quinn: (Grimacing) 

Commercial Break. Stinger: Daria and Jane in class with startled faces.   


Scene: Lawndale High, Classroom. Anthony DeMartino is Lecturing in front of the class. 

DeMartino: RECENTLY, the KGB ARCHIVES have been OPENED up, revealing that MUCH of the FINDINGS of the HOUSE Un-American Activities COMMITTEE were in fact GENUINE. (Holds up a piece of paper to read) MANY of these TRAITORS who took RUSSIAN MONEY were PROMINENT American NAMES. For EXAMPLE, A transaction to Madaline MURRAY O'HAIR was AUTHORISED by one Colonel Gregor ZHIVAGO, PH D. Another, to Gregory PECK, was supervised by Alexandr MENDELEEV. A transaction to Martin Luther KING to a numbered account in GRENADA, was done by Grigori RASPUTIN... That's FUNNY, I thought HE died BEFORE the RUSSIAN REVOLUTION.[7][7]

Pan to Quinn, Stacy, Sandi, Tiffany, and Brooke. 

Sandi: Gee, Quinn, you look awful tired. Did you burn the midnight oil with that David geek? 

Tiffany: Yeah. Your mother aware that you date a college guy? 

Quinn: (Yawning) Does your mother know you have a GPA of 1.4, Sandi? 

Sandi: As if that really matters to the Fashion Club! 

Tiffany: Right. 

Sandi: Besides, Stacy here doesn't seem to be doing so well, right now. 

Quinn: (to Stacy) So, Stacy, you did remember to get those ingredients for Home Ec class, didn't you? 

Stacy: (Consulting a list) Eggs, Sugar, Flour, Yeast. Did I get that right? 

Quinn: Perfect. 

Cut to:   


Scene: The Hallway. Daria and Jane are walking along. 

Daria: Well, Tom says he'll be here. I only wish I knew why he's so distracted. 

Jane: It's probably nothing. (Stops and points) Say, those were some of Tom's buddies. Think the posse's here? 

Pan across the hallway. A group of students includes one medium kid, somewhat overweight, dirty blond, wears a goatee and a dirty yellow windbreaker. Another boy, somewhat shorter, rather fatter, rather lighter haired (Think Stewart from _Beavis and Butthead_ meets Bobby Hill from _King of the Hill_) in a dress shirt and slacks. One Girl, Tall (5' 8") with shoulder length black hair, obviously a dye job, wearing an orange baby tee with a skull and crossbones and a shin length blue skirt with maroon trimmings. 

Dirty blond haired kid: So, Jimmy, this is Lawndale High. 

Jimmy: I don't think we've ever played this group, Justin. 

Justin: This doesn't look good. From what I read, they were dead last in their district last year. 

Girl: I hear they got a new coach. 

Jimmy: Really Rigan? (Pronounced REE-gœn) 

Rigan: (Spoken rapid fire, like a machinegun) Yeah. It's that guy who put the quarterback's dad in the hospital. The one who went on trial for attempted murder.[8][8]

Jimmy: (Giggles) I guess this means there won't be any funny business at the Referee's seat. (Points) Hey Jane. Is that you? 

Pan back to Daria and Jane. 

Jane: (Sighing) Yes, it's me, Jimmy. 

Cut back to Jimmy. 

Jimmy: I guess you must be Daria. 

Cut back to Daria and Jane. 

Daria: Whatever Tom told you, he probably lied through his teeth. 

Cut to Jimmy, Justin, and Rigan. 

Rigan: (Narrows her eyes, still talking like a machine gun) You mean you aren't an inteligent, insightful young woman who always told her side of the story and couldn't be intimidated by anyone? I think Tom's taste in women is slowly going to the dogs. I mean, (As she continues to speak, we pan back to Daria and Jane's shocked looks that gradually harden with anger) first me, the wired cheerleader who's playing and singing in a Joan Jet and the Blackhearts cover band, then that artsy chick with the grunge band in her garage and hippies for parents, (Cut back to Rigan) then there's you, who if I am to believe you now are in fact a dimwit sycopant who happens to be a complete shrew. (takes a breath) 

Cut back to Daria and Jane. Daria has a very angry glare to her. Cut back to Rigan 

Rigan: But I see that you must be lying, and Tom was teling the truth after all. I now see the reason we broke up. 

Ben: (Off Screen) Daria, Jane. It's time to get to the testing room. 

Pan over to Ben, who has a clipboard. 

Cut to Daria and Jane, who look at each other, and shrug. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Lawndale High Library. Three tables are arrainged together to suggest the set of a game show with buzzers and lights in front of the chairs. Two other tables are a few yards away, where each team sits between rounds. 

Daria: Looks like Fielding Prep is out in force. 

Jane: Except for the captain, they don't have any people on the same subject twice. 

Daria: I think this will make great fodder for your sketch book. (Turns her head) A Diller, A Dollar, What makes you come so soon? You used to come at ten O'Clock, now you come at noon. 

Pan to the door. Tom is walking toward the Lawndale High table. 

Tom: Sorry. I ran into early rush hour traffic on I45. (Reaches the table, re-establishing the shot) 

Daria: That's okay. You didn't miss much. They're still seting up the quick recall round. (Beat) I stand corrected. They just finished up. 

Cut to the referee, a portly, balding man with a zebra shirt, black Bermuda shorts, and a wistle around his neck on a thong. 

Okay. For Language Arts, Lawndale High: Morgendorffer, Lane, Flynn, McRoberts, and Cochrane. For Fielding Prep: Mosley, Busch, McIntosh, Schell, and Struzenowski. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Split Screen between Quinn's Room and David's Dorm Kitchen. 

Quinn: Well, what movie do you think we should see? 

David: Well, the bargain shows are _The Sixth Day_ and _How the Grinch Stole Christmas_. 

Quinn: Well, I'm really not in a holiday mood right now and my family doesn't celebrate that holiday, except that time when Dad had to take a job as a mall Santa back when we were in Highland.[9][9] And I think that a movie about cloning would not be up my alley. 

David: Well, it's either those two or _Dungeons and Dragons_. 

Quinn: A movie based on a** Role Playing Game**? Ewww! Let's go with _The Sixth Day_. 

David: Okay. I'll Pick you up around 7:00. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Exterior shot of Lawndale High. Cut to The Library. Daria, Jodie, Kyle (From _Pedantic Team_), Andrea, and The Rainbow haired girl are at one table from the referee's side on away, and Five students, including Jimmy and Rigan, are on the other. Zoom into the referee: 

Referee: Which Austrian writer was the source of the word "Masoschism?" 

Bell tone. Pan over to Jimmy at the Fielding Prep table. 

Jimmy: Conrad Masek? 

Cut back to Referee 

Referee: Wrong. 

Bell tone. Cut to Daria. 

Daria: Leopold von Sacher-Masoch. 

Cut to Referee. 

Referee: Correct. Here's the bonus question. Name the Russian Czar who freed the Serfs. 

Bell Tone. Pan to Daria. 

Daria: Alexander IV 

Pan to chairs in the stacks. Tom and Jane are sitting at opposite stides of the stacks. 

Jane: What did you see in Rigan? 

Tom: I saw a beautiful cheerleader with wits and a good ear for music. 

Jane: You make her seem like Buffy. 

Tom: No. Buffy was never a cheerleader. She was a full-blooded Cree, and (Bites his tongue) Oh, you mean _that_ Buffy.[10][10]

Jane: Well, in this lady's case, she looks like a dye job brunette, with a somewhat better fashion sense. I just cannot see her wielding a wooden stake, though. 

Tom: I couldn't see any of the actresses playing her doing it, either. 

Jane: (Giggles) So, what happened? 

Tom: Her band got in the way. We started to fight. Then I stayed one night after her set was over at one of her regular gigs. And I met the sister of the lead singer of the next band. You know the rest.[11][11]

Jane: (Eyes Narrowing) Really now? 

Referee: (Off Screen) Humanities for Lawndale High: Morgendorffer, Lane, Landon, Johnson, and Rivers. 

Jane: Sorry. I got to go.   


Cut to: 

Montage: Music: _Quiz Show_ By REM 

Daria is answering a question. Pan to Tom reading a book. 

Daria is answering another question. Pan to Jane sketcing Daria as an owl. 

Jane is answering a question. Pan to Daria writing something. 

Rigan answers a question. Pan to Ben getting a little nervous. 

End Montage.   


Referee: For the final tiebreaker question for this round: Calculate seven to the eight power 

Pregnant pause, then Bell Tone. Pan to Derrick Farland (From _Pedantic Team_) 

Derrick: 5,764,801 

Cut to the Referee: Correct. And Lawndale High sweeps all the rounds, by a total score of 550 to 435. 

Pan to Ben, whose mouth is hanging wide open. 

Ben: (Regaining Composure) Let's celebrate at Pizza King! On me! 

Cut to:   


Scene: A movie theater, Exterior. Quinn and David are leaving. 

Quinn: I think that's the most highbrow Schwartzenegger film I've seen since _Total Recal_. 

David: I thought it blew donkey farts myself. 

Quinn: It did at that. I mean, how could the second Arnie _not_ know he was the second one? 

David: And why did that dumb thug keep feeling his previous fatal injuries when he didn't get the memories after his death? 

Quinn: These are good questions. I have an even better one, though. 

David: What's that? 

Quinn: Why haven't we ever kissed? 

David: I don't know. Let's start now. 

They kiss. Suddenly, two paintballs each splatter them. Quinn disengauges angrily. 

Quinn: (Pointing toward the direction of the splatters.) Hey you! (Runs aout of the shot) 

David: Wait up, Quinn. (Takes off after her.) 

Cut to shot of a kid (his back turned to the camera so that we can't see his face) hopping into The Tank and pulling the doors to. The backs of David's and Quinn's heads are in the foreground. 

David: Who was that kid, Quinn? 

Quinn: I don't know. (Beat) I've seen that van before, though. Daria's firend's brother uses it to take his band to gigs. 

David: Do you think one of them did it? 

Quinn: I don't think so. Everyone except Daria's friend and her brother in that family has moved out. They are all too old to be him. 

David: You did get a look at his face, didn't you. 

Quinn: I certainly did. Let's go home, David, and could I barrow a glove from you? 

Commercial Break: Stinger: Daria answering a question.   


**Commercial:**

**Voice Over: On the next episode of The New Teacher series, Mr. Breeck decides to hang out somewhere he's never been before.**   
**Scene: A street corner. Ben is reading a flyer.**   
**Ben: (Thought Voice Over) Hmm, Mysitk Spiral. Sounds like they do Late Beatles and Steve Miller Band covers.**   
**Voice Over: Unfortunately, he isn't the only one.**   
**Scene: A mass of protesters are picketing through Dega Street. Pan over to Mystik Spiral at the Tank.**   
**Jesse: Uh, Trent, Does this mean the gig is cancelled?**   
**Voice Over: All this and more, Next Week!**

**End Commercial**   


Scene: Split screen between Daria's Room and Jane's. Daria and Jane are talking on the phone. 

Daria: He said he had dumped her way before he met you. 

Jane: I think we caught him in a lie. 

Daria: Maybe there's some reasonable explanation for this. 

Jane And I thought _you_ were supposed to be the cynic around here. 

Daria: Touché, I think I'll talk to him about this on our next date. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Lane Residence, Exterior. Quinn is at the front door. She rings the doorbell. 

Jane: (Off Screen) I'm coming already, Isaac. 

Jane opens the front door. 

Jane: If it's to apologise for your conduct fron two years ago, it had better be good.[12][12]

Quinn: Actually, Jane, I need some help. 

Jane: Really, I thought you were the fashion genius. 

Quinn: Do you know a certain kid, brown hair, brown eyes, middle school age? 

Jane: You could be talking about Jesse's brother, Danny.[13][13]

Quinn: Jesse? 

Jane: Plays rhythm guitar for Mystik Spiral, my brother's bad. 

Quinn: Oh, you mean them? 

Jane: I think I still got his address. Mind talking to me on what this is about? 

Quinn: It started three days ago. I came back from a date to find glue on the doorknob of my house, and Daria didn't put it there. Then last night, after seeing a movie, a kid, splattered me and my date with paintballs. (Looking pissed) Now he's gonna get it! 

Cut to:   


Scene: Jesse's house, exterior, somewhere even more run down than the Lane Residence. Quinn knocks on the front door. 

Jesse: (Off screen) Come on, Trent, we don't have to be at the studio for another two hours. 

Quinn: This isn't Trent. I'm looking for Danny. 

Jesse opens the door. 

Jesse: Hey, I know you. You're Daria's sister. Aren't you a little old for Danny? 

Quinn: I want to talk to him, now. 

Jesse: (Turning his head) Danny, Come Here! (Exits the shot) 

Danny (Entering the shot) Eep! 

Quinn: Eep is right! Why have you been playing pranks on me? I haven't done anything to you. 

Danny: I won't tell. I don't have to say anything. 

Quinn: You do if you don't want me as an enemy. 

Danny: But she'll kill me if I squeal. Besides, there's nothing you can offer that she can't top. 

Quinn: Listen. You are an eighth grader, right? 

Danny: Yeah, so? 

Quinn: Well, I'm just a Junior. If you don't tell me what's going on, then next year, I'll devote special attention to making your life a living hell. 

Danny: I call your bluff. You were kicked out of the Fashion Club.[14][14]

Quinn: I SPLIT the Fashion Club apart.[15][15] There are only two full time members right now, the rest are too busy cheerleading. (smiles) To quote a bad movie, does that make me less dangerous, or more? Remember, I have half the football team under my thumb. 

Danny: (Swallows) 

Cut to:   


Scene: The Dog Pound (Gourmet Hot Dog Joint) at the Mall of the Millenium. Daria and Tom are at a table, talking between bites of exotically topped frankfurters. 

Tom: That was some match, wasn't it? 

Daria: You said it. I don't understand how Jimmy managed to stay on the team so long. 

Tom: His father was an alumnus, and the guy resopnsible for the new Olymipc size pool. 

Daria: Oh, I see. Another question. 

Tom: Shoot. 

Daria: Remember telling me about how you and Rigan broke up way before you met Jane? 

Tom: Yeah. So? 

Daria: Well, you told Jane that Rigan's band was the one before Mystik Spiral that night you two met. Mind explaining it? 

Tom: You see, I still liked her music, but we weren't dating any longer. Next week, she's having a gig at the Zen, just after Mystik Spiral. 

Daria: Tom, you have quite a twisted taste in women. 

Tom: Coming from you, I'm flattered. (Beat) Want to go see her in concert? 

Daria: Her band isn't named the Harpies, now is it?[16][16]

Tom: No. 

Daria: Then I'll go. 

Roll Credits. Theme: _Roxanne_, By the Police. 

Makeovers: 

Ben as Yahoo Serious 

Quinn as Black Cat (From Marvel Comics) 

David as Bruce Wayne 

Tom as James Bond 

Rigan as a Punk with a Spike Mohawk and Safety Pin Earrings 

Danny as MacCauley Culkin's character in _The Good Son_

Daria as Lisa Loeb 

Jane as Natalie Merchant 

Daria Logo. 

1. Mr. Makuchek Subbed for Mr. Breeck during the events of our previous episode, _Courtroom Trauma_. 

2. From the events of _Family Junk Bonds_ to the end of _Courtroom Trauma_. 

3. Daria did that during the events of _Homecoming Dunce_. 

4. The contract was announced during the events of _Books, Books, and More Books_. 

5. This is true. See their Behind the Music special for more details. 

6. Tom declared bankrupcy because his bills for recording and touring and taxes exceeded his take home pay by orders of magnitude. 

7. This passage suggests my opinions as to the reliability of those archives. Each of these American individuals was reviled by the fringe right. Dr. Zhivago was a charecter in a novel by Boris Pasternak. Alexandr Mendeleev devised the periodic table of elements. Grigori Rasputin was the last court confessor to Czar Nicholas II of Russia, and was known as the "Mad Monk." 

8. See _Courtroom Trauma_. 

9. I am trying to rationalise the Santa suit seen in _Camp Fear_ with what I said in _Family Junk Bonds_. 

10. Only Tom would confuse Buffy Saint Marie and Buffy Summers. 

11. See _Jane's Addition_. 

12. See _Gifted_. 

13. See _The Daria Database_ for more details. 

14. See _Dis-Orientation_. 

15. See _Pedantic Team_. 

16. See _Pierce Me_. 

   [1]: #1
   [2]: #2
   [3]: #3
   [4]: #4
   [5]: #5
   [6]: #6
   [7]: #7
   [8]: #8
   [9]: #9
   [10]: #10
   [11]: #11
   [12]: #12
   [13]: #13
   [14]: #14
   [15]: #15
   [16]: #16



	8. Zenned Out

Zenned Out

Disclaimer:

The Characters of Daria Morgendorffer, Quinn Morgendorffer, Jane Lane, Trent Lane, Jesse Moreno, Nick Campbell, Max   
Tyler, Kevin Thompson, Michael Jordan "Mack" MacKenzie, Brittany Taylor, Jodie Landon, Angela Li, Anthony DeMartino,   
and many more, even if not mentioned here, are the Creation of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis and Copyright MTV Studios.   
This story is in no way to be construed as a challenge to said copyright. 

Some of the events and persons mentioned in this fanfic did happen and do exist, but have been somewhat fictionalized. I   
myself have diverged from the alternate self shown here sometime in 1996. To those of you who may be offended, remember: this is a cartoon. This is not and could never be real. 

Permission is granted to repost, republish, or retransmit this work in any way, shape, or form as long as these disclaimers   
remain intact, and no one except Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, MTV Studios, or Viacom, the parent of MTV receive financial   
remuneration. 

Historians' Note: This story and its sequels take place in lieu of the prospective Season Five. 

Opening Sequence: 

Splendora's _You're Standing On My Neck_ has been replaced by _Man on the Moon_ by REM, and the following montage   
plays: 

Mr. Ben Breeck looks resigned. Pan over to his students, who include Daria, Jane, Kevin, Brittany, Upchuck, and most of the rest of the gang in Daria's class. 

Ben is in Principal Li's office, with narrowed eyes, and regards Li, who is yakking in grandiose terms, with a look of tired incredulity. 

Pizza King. Ben is grading papers while hoisting a slice with pepperoni, bacon, onions, anchovies, and sun dried tomatoes. Pan to Daria, Jane, and Tom's booth. Daria is suspicious, Jane is startled, and Tom's face is neutral. 

A dance. Ben approaches Claire DeFoe and says something. She blushes and takes his hand. Pan to Upchuck with a camera snapping a picture. 

The classroom again. Mr. Breeck pulls a sleeping Kevin's face up by his hair, removes some googly-eyed Groucho glasses from his face, folds them, then drops Kevin's face back on his desk. Pan to Daria, Jane, and Jodie's approving glances. 

The Zen. Mystik Spiral is thrashing on stage, and Trent is singing like his life depends on it. Pan to the audience where one of the patrons is Ben, who's looking rather unimpressed. 

Daria is at a street corner with Tom, who is speaking. He stops talking, his tongue cleaving to the roof of his mouth. At the exact same instant, she acquires a cold, angry look, says something between clinched teeth, and stalks out of the shot. 

The Zen. Ben is up on stage and apparently doing a monologue. Pan to the audience, which includes Daria, Jane, and Mystik Spiral. Everybody is laughing except Daria. 

Close-up of Daria Smirking, which acquires an oval around it. Zoom into the Daria Logo. Super: Daria in: 

**Zenned Out**

A Piece of Daria Fan Fiction by Ben Breeck   
Episode 1:08 of The New Teacher Series 

  
  


Scene: Dega Street. Daria and Jane are walking along. 

Daria: So, Rigan's band is playing tonight after Mystik Spiral. Tom had better be over her or else. 

Jane: Why is isn't he chauffeuring you in his Grenada tonight? 

Daria: Right now, he's studying in his room until 8:00. Finals aren't for another three weeks, but the one in Philosophy is supposed to be a doozy. 

Jane: Really? 

Daria: So he said, and I have no real reason to doubt him on it. 

Jane: I see. Quinn came by last Saturday. 

Daria: Really, What did she want? 

Jane: She wanted an urgent talk with me about who had been playing jokes in her over last week.[1][1]

Daria: Really, now? 

Jane: Yeah, I directed her to Jesse's house. Turns out it was Danny that was the merry prankster. He seemed to be hired help. 

Daria: So that's why she's been up half the night, doodling Sandi in various bondage apparatus. 

Jane: Well, I wouldn't know about that (Sound of a horn honking. Jane turns her head.) Isaac! And right on time. 

Pan to Isaac in his 1983 Renault Alliance. 

Isaac: I swapped my timeslot, so I won't be at your house for Thanksgiving. 

Cut back to Daria and Jane. 

Jane: That's okay, Mom and Dad are in Australia, renewing their marriage vows _yet again_ and exploring the Bungle-Bungles.[2][2]

Daria: (Mona Lisa Smile) Sounds rather appropriate considering your siblings, doesn't it? 

Jane: I don't know, none of them came out of the oven quite as bad as Quinn, now did they? (Pointing) Hey, isn't that Mr. Breeck, over there? 

Pan over to Ben who is reading a posted bulletin in the window. 

Ben: (Thought Voice Over) Mystik Spiral. Hmm, Sounds like they do covers from later Beatles and Steve Miller Band albums. Maybe I should come in just for the laughs. I've got nothing else to do right now. (Walks over to the front door.) So, what's the cover charge at a joint like this? 

Guy at the box office: A joint like this will normally set you back, maybe $10.50, but this particular place will only ask for three bucks. 

Ben: I see. (Hands the guy at the box office a five dollar bill) Keep the change. 

Guy at the box office: No problem. 

Pan back to Daria, Jane, and Isaac. 

Jane: If I know Trent, he's just gotten to Jesse's about now. Mystik Spiral's gonna be late for their set, again. 

Daria: So what else is new? 

Jane: Well, their album just showed up at Sound By The Pound. And they've been going back to the studio. 

Daria: What? Gaffs on the album? Do they have to cut a new one? 

Jane: No, worse than that: singles. 

Daria: Really? 

Jane: Apparently, Trash Weasel is betting the farm that Mystik Spiral will be the biggest thing since Nirvana. 

Daria: What are they smoking? Maybe I could send some of it to Ms. Li to foreshorten her life a little. 

Isaac: Wow, she's _that_ bad? 

Daria: She is. After we get seated, I can fill you in on the terrible details. 

Cut to a different parking place. Quinn and David are getting out of David's Chevy Celebrity. 

Quinn: Trying to ruin my reputation is one thing, but with those stunts she made that Danny do were the last straw. 

David: Quinn, I realize Sandi needs to be taught a lesson, but now is not the time. 

Quinn: You're right, David. (They have reached the front door of the Zen, where she reads a sign) David, I can't go in this place. See up there? I'm too young. 

David: Don't worry. They won't card you unless you do something like try to smoke or buy (or drink) booze. 

Quinn: Oh, Okay. 

Cut to:   


Scene: The Zen, Interior. Cut to Daria, Jane, and Isaac's table. Daria looks bored out of her skull. Pan up on stage, where a no name band that looks like The Outfield[3][3] is mangling Depeche Mode's _New Life_ horribly. (Not that that would be terribly hard to do, or for that matter that it was all that good in the first place.) Cut back to Daria, Isaac, and Jane. 

Daria: So the ship ran aground on a sand bar and broke in two. Seems they were holding the old scow together with a little help from special agent James Bondo.[4][4]

Isaac: Wow, man. I've heard many strange stories about deranged school officials, but this takes the cake. 

Daria: The best part was that Quinn's mystery date really did get delayed. I bet he had a whole lot of explaining to do when Quinn saw him the arms of someone else. 

Jane: When do you think this band will wrap it up. I mean I can stand only so much early Depeche Mode, Air Supply, or Men Without Hats without gagging. 

Daria consults a watch, and consults it, and consults it, and consults it. 

Daria: Uh, folks, Mystik Spiral should be here by now. 

Isaac: I'll go and see if they're outside, unloading. (Gets up and exits the shot) 

Cut to:   


Scene: The Zen, out in front. Isaac looks both sides of the street, then his jaw drops. Cut to column of protesters carrying picket signs and chanting slogans. At the head of the line caring a bullhorn is a guy who looks remarkably like Timothy O'Neill, if Timothy O'Neill wore black clothes and sported a cleric's collar. Pan back to Isaac. 

Isaac: Holy _Beep_! 

Pan over to The Tank, where Mystik Spiral is watching as well. 

Jesse: Uh, Trent, Does this mean the gig is canceled? 

Commercial Break. Stinger: Ben reading the flyer.   
  


Scene: The Zen, Daria and Jane are at the table. 

Daria: So he says to the guy, "No, _chuck_ your coat at the door." 

Jane Laughs. 

Isaac: (Voice over, off screen) Guys, you'll never believe this. 

Pan to Isaac as he runs over to the table. Maintain the shot as he reaches the table. 

Daria: What is it? _Sick_ _Sad_ _World_ out front because Mystik Spiral just got discovered? 

Isaac: No, there's this priest or minister out front with a group of people protesting this place. They want to shut it down. 

Daria: Really? This wreched pit of scum and villainy? 

Jane: Yeah. There are much more worthwhile places to picket. Like Lawndale After Dark[5][5], Pizza Forest, or Cashmans. 

Daria: The closest thing this place has gotten to being dirty was when Gallagher came here with his act, watermelons and all. (Beat) and that was _way_ before my time. 

Jane: (To Daria) Who told you about that, Daria? 

Daria: Tom. He wasn't there when it happened, but he read about it the next day in the _Lawndale Sun-Herald_. 

Jane: So, who want's to go outside to see what this is really all about? 

They get up, and exit the shot. Pan to Ben who was looking at them thoughtfully. He gets up and exits the shot, too. 

Cut to:   


Scene: The Zen, exterior. The Cleric is still out there, as is the crowd. Pan over to Mystik Spiral standing next to the Tank. Pan over to Tom slamming the door shut to his Grenada, and acquiring a peeved expression. Pan back to the Cleric and Crowd. 

Cleric: (Through Bull Horn) What is this place? 

Crowd: (in chorus) A Den of Iniquity! 

Cleric: Should it stay up? 

Crowd: Hell, No! 

Pan over to Daria, Jane, and Isaac. 

Daria: Oh well, at this rate, we'll never get to hear Rigan's band. 

Jane: Look at the bright side. They could be trying to firebombing the place. 

Daria: Yeah, but then they could be charged with practicing demolition without a state license or a city permit. 

Jane: The trial could last for days, hours, or even seconds. 

Isaac: C'mon now. Don't you think that this situation could be resolved peaceably? 

Daria: I think that one of that guy's New Year's resolutions was "Peace on Earth and Goodwill Toward Men," but I can't be too sure. I don't go to church, after all. (Beat) Though some Saturdays Dad drives me and Quinn to Temple in Houston. 

Tom: (Off Screen) Daria! There you are. 

Pan over to Tom. Maintain the shot as he walks over to Daria, Jane, and Isaac. 

Daria: Hello, Tom. How was the studying? 

Tom: It was Okay, I missed you, though. 

Daria: I'm the one with the glasses and auburn hair. How could you miss me? 

Isaac: (Pointing) I hate to interrupt the greetings, but isn't that your history teacher over there? 

Pan over to the Cleric and Ben, who are having a discussion. 

Ben: Father Quigley, I presume. And what is this ruckus about? 

Quigley: This place is filled with the noise of the Devil! I had a parishioner leave a tape recorder in that place on record. When he collected it the next day, he took it to the rectory, where we played the tape backwards. 

Ben: Let me guess. It gave glory to Satan, and hosanna to his servants. 

Quigley: Indeed. Of course it used his Hebrew name, Helel.[6][6]

Ben: Did you by any chance take your lithium? I hope the bishop knows about all this. 

Quigley: He does. 

Ben: I see. Well, I'll be seeing you as I do my corporal works of mercy in a few days. (Exits Shot) 

Quigley: Wait, Ben, don't you want to participate? 

Cut to Daria, Jane, Isaac, and Tom. 

Daria: Well, I think I've just learned something about Mr. Breeck I never wanted to know. 

Jane: At least it explains his admiration of Julian the Apostate.[7][7]

Isaac: (Turning his head) Daria, isn't that your sister? 

Pan over to the door. Quinn and David are holding hands. 

Quinn: (looking depressed, frowning) I'm still bummed by Sandi. She ruined one of my favorite outfits. 

David: Don't worry about it. Cheer up. We now know she actually does were a padded bra. 

Quinn: (suddenly smiling) Indeed we do. (Turns her head) Daria, why did you come here? 

Cut to Daria and Tom. 

Daria: Originally, it was to pretend to be entertained by the band Jane's brother fronts. Now it is to pretend to watch and be entertained by this Catholic priest crusading against bad grunge rock. 

Tom: It could be worse. They could be protesting the fact that it was Friday evening, and there wasn't anything else to do. 

Daria: That's the Tom I love. Besides, your catch seems to be just a little bit older than mine. 

Cut to Quinn and David. 

Quinn: It's a long story, and only with his permission. 

David: Besides, you're only a year and a half older than Quinn yourself. I think your mom would look just as askance at you being here. 

Cut to Daria, Tom, Jane, and Isaac. 

Daria: You got me there. (Beat) Look, something is happening. (Points) 

Pan to where she is pointing. Father Quigley is talking with the guy in charge of the Zen. 

Guy in Charge of the Zen: What's going on around here? 

Quigley: Did you know that the music you play is that of the very Devil himself? 

Guy in Charge: (Consulting a piece of paper) Let's see here. Buck Satan covers? No. Black Sabbath? No. Judas Priest? No. Antichrist?[7][7] No. (Looks Up) Sorry, no Devil music in this place. You might try McGundy's. It's just around the bend. 

Quigley: But Backwards it gives glory to Satan, I tell you. 

Guy in Charge: What are you smoking, dude? I want some for myself. 

Quigley: (Smiling) God will remember that. 

Guy in Charge: Whatever. (Exits the Shot) 

New Voice: (Off Screen) Sir, you don't have a parade license. 

Quigley turns around. Cut to a Police officer in uniform, Cut back to Quigley. 

Quigley: I don't need a parade license. I am not celebrating. (Beat) Besides, that high school doesn't need a parade license to go down main street on a semiannual basis for homecoming. 

Cut to Police Officer. 

Officer: You aren't a public school. We don't even let the Christmas parade people go through without one. Now disperse or show me a permit. 

Cut to Quigley 

Quigley: No. 

Officer: Sorry, but I have to do this. (Walks into the shot with Quigley, and handcuffs him.) You are under arrest. You Have the right to remain silent. If you give ut the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law... 

Quigley: (Interrupting) Havoc! 

Cut to a wide shot of the crowd, which gets extremely unruly. (Think St. Andrew's Day at Murray State, or similar college holidays at their respective institutes of higher education.) Cut to individual shots of windows being smashed and antennae forcibly removed from automobiles (But not including Isaac's Renault Alliance, David's Chevy Celebrity, or Tom's Ford Grenada), and people in the crowd committing other such foolishness. 

Cut to Daria, Tom, Jane, and Isaac. 

Isaac: Oh wow, man! Was that what that homecoming was like? 

Daria: Welcome to Lawndale. I.Q. limits strictly enforced.[8][8]

Tom: We had better get inside. 

Jane: Uh, Tom, is your head missing? The last place you go in a thunderstorm is into the forest. 

Daria: Speaking of missing, where did Quinn and her beau go? 

They all begin looking around, Daria and Jane with worried looks on her face. 

Commercial Break. Stinger: Ben talking to Father Quigley. 

**Commercial:**

**Voice Over: On the next episode of The New Teacher Series, we finally learn what happened to dear Charles Ruttheimer III.**

**Scene: A bunk bed. Upchuck is weeping like a baby and gibbering incoherently. (A cross between the wild-eyed ramblings of Ren in _In The Army_ and the incomprehensible drivel of Beavis as Cornholio.)**

**Voice Over: Every stinking detail.**

**Scene: Mr. Buzzcut (From _Beavis and Butthead_) is standing behind a bench outside, in Drill Instructor garb with his trademark "Chewing Nails" facial expression.**

**Buzzcut: We're gonna whip you juvenile delinquents into shape if it kills _you_.**

**Voice Over: All this and More, Next Week!**

**End Commercial**   


Scene: Night on Dega Street. The stretch between Main and Broadway has been isolated from the rest of Lawndale by Police barricades. Overhead, Black and White helicopters with the logo of the Carter County Sheriff's Office thunder overhead, with spotlights pouring down and uniformed deputies with bullhorns at their mouths. Pan back down to the ground, which is a scene of utter bedlam. Imagine a cross between the L.A. riots and the lynch mob you see at the castle of every bad medieval vampire movie. Pan to where Daria, Tom, Isaac, and Jane are fending their way through the crowd, looking for Quinn and David. 

Daria: We need to find her soon. 

Jane: Might you start to be experiencing sisterly bonding, Daria. 

Daria: If Quinn is a casualty of this comedy of errors, Mom'l blame me. 

Jane: I don't see how, unless you admit you went to an adult night spot underage. 

Daria: Right now, I'll let that slide. (Sounding Urgent) Where is she?!? 

Cut to:   


Scene: An old downtown movie theater, Interior. Quinn is sitting on David's lap, in the front row. (For the record, there is no show. The place is boarded up.) 

Quinn: How'd you know to duck in here? 

David: This place also doubles as the Knights of Columbus meeting hall, on occasion. 

Quinn: Oh really? I never knew that. So, when do you think this will die down? 

David: Looked like they had the tear gas ready just before we got in here. Should be soon. 

Quinn: So, what should we be doing until then? 

David: I don't know. 

Quinn kisses David. David tries to push her away, then joins the kiss. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Group of police, their uniforms saying _Houston PD SWAT_ are loading muzzleloading grenade launchers. Pan to Daria, Tom, Isaac, and Jane, who see this development with worry. 

Daria: Let's get inside. 

Jane: I thought you wanted to find Quinn. 

Daria: I don't want to wake up in jail and have to have Mom bail me out. I've already had that happen to me once in my high school career. 

Tom: Then let's move it. Time's a wasting. 

Cut to the SWAT Team firing its weapons, cut to fog and people coughing, and falling to the ground. Cut to:   


Scene: The Zen, Interior Daria, Jane, Tom, and Isaac file past the payphone, where Ben is talking on it. 

Ben: The worst thing is that the Jeep is in the shop until Tuesday. Yeah, Claire[9][9], transmission lube. (Sigh) I hate that thing. Maybe I should take it over to Auto Auction. (Beat) What the.. They've just fired some sort of smoke bomb into the crowd. They're on their hands and knees retching. I wish I could take a picture of it. (Beat) Love you to. Good Bye. (Hangs Up, Shrugs) Oh well. 

Cut to:   


Scene: The Tank, interior. Mystik Spiral is decked out in skin diving masks and its membership is breathing through wet rags. 

Nick: I think things have died down. 

Trent: That's cool. 

They take off their protective gear. 

Jesee: Think we should unload for the gig? 

Max: Why not? 

Cut to:   


Scene: The Zen. Daria, Jane, Tom, and Isaac are at their table. 

Daria: I'm not sure about you, but I'm thinking of turning in and letting the chips fall where they may. 

Jane: What, and not finally see and hear Rigan in concert? 

Isaac: (Yawning) That's Okay. I've got a _long_ day ahead of me. 

Tom: (Pointing) Hey, Look! 

Pan up on Stage, where Mystik Spiral is tuning up. They stop. 

Trent: Good Evening, and Welcome to the Zen. We're Mystik Spiral, but we're thinking of changing the name. I'm Trent Lane, that's Jesse Moreno on Base Guitar, Nick Campbell is at Rhythm Guitar, and Max Tyler -no relationship to Steven that we can see- is behind the drums. This first song we'd like to play is off our self titled debut album. Go get it at Sound by the Pound or Backstreet Music so that it debuts at Number 1 on the charts, it's on the Trash Weasel Label. Hit it. 

Begin guitar solo by Nick. Jesse and Trent join in, followed last by Max. 

Trent: If you want a good time, they make you play the game/ Don't matter wherever you go, the rules are all the same 

Jesse and Max: (In Chorus) Devil's Poker! 

Trent: They want you now but just by their rules/ And nay sayers they all are wussies and fools 

Jesse and Max: (In Chorus) Devil's Poker! 

All: Devil's Poker, Deal Me In,/ Devil's Poker, Hit Me Again/ Devil's Poker, Raise Me By Nine/ Devil's Poker, Leave Me Without a Dime 

Trent: He's dealing a deck of nothin' but jokers, cause we're playing Devil's Poker! 

Small Riff, then begin the next verse. Pan over to an unimpressed Ben. 

Ben: (Thought Voice Over) I endured all these ordeals tonight just to listen to _this_? Sheesh! 

Pan over to Daria, Jane, Tom, and Isaac. 

Daria: (Mona Lisa Smile) Gee. Looks like there's some Devil music on tonight after all. 

The rest in the scene laugh heartily. 

Jane: Talk about a Din of Iniquity! 

Cut to:   


Scene: A Jail Cell. Father Quigley is sitting on his cot. His eyes widen. Pan outside the cell, where a man with gray hair, sideburns, and a Bishop's vestments is looking into the cell. Pan again to put both people in the shot. 

Quigley: Bishop, is it really you? Are you here to hear my side of the story. The church really sanctions this? (Sweeps his hands around.) 

Bishop: Yes, it sanctions your incarceration. Thanks to you, I'll have to celebrate mass in this abomination of a suburb while I try to find a suitable replacement in the diocese, and try to repair the reputation of this parish. I'm not here to hear your boasting, but your confession. 

Quigley: But I did no wrong. 

Bishop: Twenty people landed in the hospital and you say you did no wrong? 

Quigley: But I was only living up to my namesake. 

Bishop: But you aren't named Guy, Paul, and you aren't named Lope[10][10] either. What were you thinking of? 

Quigley: I was thinking of all those sermons about striking a blow against the Evil One. 

Bishop: Is that what this is about? You were to feed the poor, speak out against the disenfranchisement of others, protest against the School of the Americas, not attempt to shut down music bars by force. It wasn't even an abortion clinic. 

Quigley: I see. You really see it that way? 

Bishop: Paul, you are a disgrace to your order, a disgrace to this diocese, and a disgrace to the cloth itself. And until you shed your pride, you are of no use to the church and of little use to God. Good bye, Paul. 

Maintain the camera as he walks toward the door out of the jail. 

Bishop: (Thought Voice Over) Why didn't my nephew Timmy finish Seminary? Please God, Why? 

Cut to:   


The Zen: Daria and Tom are leaving. Daria opens the door, and gasps. Pan over Rigan and her band. Rigan is dressed like a punk, another girl is dressed like a Goth (A thanophile, sadly, not the real thing,) the next is garbed like an Amish woman, and the last like an ancient Minoan priestess. 

Rigan: Well, here we are. Traffic was murder...Hey, this street looks like a warzone. What gives? 

Daria: It was. (Beat) Here (Hands Rigan a Tape recorder) Please just send me a tape of the performance. Send it to 1111 Glenn Oaks Lane. 

Rigan: Uh.. Ok. 

Cut to: 

Daria and Tom walking to Tom's car. 

Daria: Well, good riddance. 

Tom: I hope he doesn't come back... (Points) Hey Daria, I think we can write off Quinn. 

Daria looks where Tom's pointing. Pan to Quinn and David walking to David's Chevy Celebrity, Quinn looking like she's spitting out canary feathers. 

Roll Credits. Music: _Psalm 69_ by Ministry. 

Makeovers: 

Daria as the Morrigan, a one crow on her helmet, annother on her shield, and a third on her shoulder 

Quinn as Mictalanhuitli, holding a Chihuahua[11][11]

Tom as the Buddha, sitting, smiling, and giving the "Peace Sign" 

Isaac as Tlaloc, Staring upward gargling something while playing the bongo drum[12][12]

Ben as Thor, in the rushing pose depiced by Marvel Comics 

Jane as Persipone with her Pomegranate 

David as Hercules, wrestling with Ceberus 

Rigan as an Angel, wielding a bastard sword in the overhead ward. 

Father Quigley as Juan de Torquemada, with a torch in hand 

Daria Logo.   


Notes: 

1. That happened in our last thrilling episode of The New Teacher Series, Open Season

2. This is a rock formation in Western Australia. Learn about it on the Discovery Channel sometimes. 

3. An Early 80's British hair band. Their only big hit was _I Just Want to Use Your Love Tonight_. 

4. This happened in the Daria episode _Just Add Water_. 

5. Originally the Goth shop named by Austin Loomis in his prose adaption of Canadibrit's _Trick or Trent_, that's not necessarily the place I'm talking about. 

6. Actually, this word literally means "Light Bearer" and was translated "Lucifer" by St. Jerome when he translated Isaiah. It has since become a synonym for Satan. It was originally meant to referr to a king of Babylon. 

7. I am not making these band name's up. I swear! 

8. Straight from _The Daria Diaries_. 

9. Ben has had a relationship with Claire DeFoe since TNTS Episode 1:05, Homecoming Dunce. 

10. I am referring to Lope Vega, a member of the Spanish Inquisition known as "The Wrath of God" and Guy Fawks, of the English "Gunpowder Plot." 

11. Mictalanhuitli is the Aztec goddess of death and the dead. 

12. This is the pose most often recorded for Tlaloc, Aztec god of rain, who slavered as sacrifices were made in his name, bringing the rains down. 

   [1]: #1
   [2]: #2
   [3]: #3
   [4]: #4
   [5]: #5
   [6]: #6
   [7]: #7
   [8]: #8
   [9]: #9
   [10]: #10
   [11]: #11
   [12]: #12



	9. Roasted, Prime Chuck

Roasted, Prime Chuck

Disclaimer:

The Characters of Daria Morgendorffer, Quinn Morgendorffer, Jane Lane, Trent Lane, Jesse Moreno, Nick Campbell, Max   
Tyler, Kevin Thompson, Michael Jordan "Mack" MacKenzie, Brittany Taylor, Jodie Landon, Angela Li, Anthony DeMartino,   
and many more, even if not mentioned here, are the Creation of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis and Copyright MTV Studios. Mr. Buzzcut is the creation of Mike Judge and Copyright MTV Studios. This story is in no way to be construed as a challenge to said copyright. 

Some of the events and persons mentioned in this fanfic did happen and do exist, but have been somewhat fictionalized. I   
myself have diverged from the alternate self shown here sometime in 1996. To those of you who may be offended, remember: this is a cartoon. This is not and could never be real. 

Permission is granted to repost, republish, or retransmit this work in any way, shape, or form as long as these disclaimers   
remain intact, and no one except Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, MTV Studios, or Viacom, the parent of MTV receive financial   
remuneration. 

Historians' Note: This story and its sequels take place in lieu of the prospective Season Five. 

Opening Sequence: 

Splendora's _You're Standing On My Neck_ has been replaced by _Man on the Moon_ by REM, and the following montage   
plays: 

Mr. Ben Breeck looks resigned. Pan over to his students, who include Daria, Jane, Kevin, Brittany, Upchuck, and most of the rest of the gang in Daria's class. 

Ben is in Principal Li's office, with narrowed eyes, and regards Li, who is yakking in grandiose terms, with a look of tired incredulity. 

Pizza King. Ben is grading papers while hoisting a slice with pepperoni, bacon, onions, anchovies, and sun dried tomatoes. Pan to Daria, Jane, and Tom's booth. Daria is suspicious, Jane is startled, and Tom's face is neutral. 

A dance. Ben approaches Claire DeFoe and says something. She blushes and takes his hand. Pan to Upchuck with a camera snapping a picture. 

The classroom again. Mr. Breeck pulls a sleeping Kevin's face up by his hair, removes some googly-eyed Groucho glasses from his face, folds them, then drops Kevin's face back on his desk. Pan to Daria, Jane, and Jodie's approving glances. 

The Zen. Mystik Spiral is thrashing on stage, and Trent is singing like his life depends on it. Pan to the audience where one of the patrons is Ben, who's looking rather unimpressed. 

Daria is at a street corner with Tom, who is speaking. He stops talking, his tongue cleaving to the roof of his mouth. At the exact same instant, she acquires a cold, angry look, says something between clinched teeth, and stalks out of the shot. 

The Zen. Ben is up on stage and apparently doing a monologue. Pan to the audience, which includes Daria, Jane, and Mystik Spiral. Everybody is laughing except Daria. 

Close-up of Daria Smirking, which acquires an oval around it. Zoom into the Daria Logo. Super: Daria in: 

**Roasted, Prime Chuck**   
A Piece of Daria Fan Fiction by Ben Breeck   
Episode 1:09 of The New Teacher Series 

  


Scene: Lawndale High, exterior. Cut to Mr. DeMartino's room. Mr. DeMartino is in front of the class, lecturing. 

DeMartino: WHEN will you IDIOTS learn? Especially you three Idiots! Mr. WHITE, The McCarthy WITCH hunts did NOT take place in a Japanese CARTOON involving starship BALL TURRET gunners! 

Pan over to the desks of Quinn, Stacy, Sandi, and Tiffany. 

Sandi: Gee, Quinn, if this grade curve keeps getting any steeper, some people around here could start getting vertigo. 

Quinn: Really Sandi, Mr. DeMartino only curves the grades up. You'd probably get a better grade if you started studying more often. 

Sandi: Oh, and Friday night, I hear you were a walking fashion disaster. 

Quinn: What the heck are you talking about, Sandi? 

Sandi: Such as this, Quinn. (Whipping out a picture of Quinn arm in arm with Jamie in an outfit right out of the Sixties, Tie-dyed shirt and bell bottoms.) 

Quinn: Sandi, that looks like you pasted my head onto someone's body. Get real. 

Sandi: Well, this is just a fair warning. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Janet Barch's Biology class. Ms. Barch is lecturing. 

Barch: And so we see, it is the male's sperm that determines the sex of the offspring, not the female's egg, thus Henry VIII has egg on his face as well. 

Pan over to Daria and Jane. 

Daria: Well, Jane are you looking forward to the next academic match? 

Jane: Yeah. I hear that First Impression is gonna have some pretty tough people there. 

Daria: I see. A toast to Upchuck, whose charm and winning ways got me my position. May he never grace these halls again and never be invited to class reunions. 

Jane: Speaking of the little booger, how's he doing? 

Cut to:   


Scene: A darkened cell, except that this one has cots rather than wooden hammocks. Upchuck is under his covers, bent over shivering. Music: _They Might be Giants_ by They Might be Giants. 

Upchuck: (murmuring) I am Dames Bong, super secret agent double-O buckshot. Intrigue is my game. Wait a minute, it's baccarat. No, it's gin rummy. 

Voice Over: (Off Screen, think Nelson from _The Simpsons_) Fish! 

Upchuck: Gotta keep goin'. What would J, K, and W think? 

Another Voice Over (Think Todd from _Beavis and Butthead_): Fresh Fish too. 

Upchuck: (Chanting) They Might be Giants/ They Might be Giants... 

Third Voice Over: Knock it off. He's been here for three weeks now. He ain't fun fishing any more. 

Upchuck: (Crying) I want my inflatable Betty Boop! (Starts sobbing) 

Fourth Voice Over: (Sounds like a Drill Sergeant) Lights Out, already. 

Misty Dissolve with harp to a Courtroom. Upchuck is standing next to the prosecution table, with a "Deer in Headlights" expression. Cut to Judge Ivan A. Hardass. Music: _The Trial_ by Pink Floyd.[1][1]

Judge: Normally, I would simply dismiss the case and call it a day, with a chastisement and a fine, or start the next case. But you, young man, you are special, and not in a good way. This wasn't an honest mistake made in the confusion of the moment. _This_ was an attempt to pervert the judicial system to accomplish personal revenge. Personal petty revenge, except that the consequences would have been anything but petty. Because you confessed, however belatedly, I can't send you to adult prison, but don't think you are getting but a slap on the wrist. (Clears Throat) Charles Ruttheimer III, it is the decision of this court that for the charges of Perjury, Malicious Prosecution, and abuse of the State Court system, you will be remanded to the custody of a Medium Security Juvenile Facility to be determined by the board of corrections until the end of the school year corresponding to your eighteenth birthday, after which you will participate in a work release program for four years, somewhere to the west of here. To satisfy the charge of Contempt of Court, you will pay a fine of $2,000, the total assets in your savings and checking accounts in banks within the state of Texas. Charles Ruttheimer Jr., I can't find any procedural wrongdoing against you, but your money helped finance this charade, and your example to your son led to this point. I hereby order you to pay the legal costs of Mr. Breeck's defense. (Voice starts to ring distantly) And if he decides to seek a remedy in civil court for his lost wages, this court will be most cooperative. Case Dismissed. Court is adjourned. 

Misty Disolve back to Upchuck shivering in his cell. 

Cut to:   


Scene: A classroom. This one has carpeting, colorful walls, and all the furniture is bolted to the floor. Facing the class is a teacher who looks like C. Montgomery Burns, if C. Montgomery Burns had been drawn by the Daria team. 

Teacher: Good morning class. I hope you can save some of your enthusiasm for Mr. Balioll. Today, we will talk about solution sets. 

First voice: (From Last Scene) You mean like the answer doesn't have to be arson, it could be malicious wounding instead? 

Teacher: (Smiling Like a Shark) Jason, you do realize that you've just earned two demerits don't you? Remember, adult prison is just like this place, only much more so. Now as I was saying... 

Pan over to a big, hulking fellow in the same shot as Upchuck (Who is four seats away from him, they are using tables, not desks). Both are wearing expressions of angst. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Mr. Breeck's Classroom. Ben is lecturing. 

Ben: As we all know, the Maya of the southern lowlands began to decline at the end of the Eighth Century A.D. and by the end of the ninth the cities were all ghost towns. The question is, was it soil mismanagement, wars, or maybe drought that did them in? The answer is yes. 

Pan over to Daria and Jane. 

Daria: Last night, I finished listening to Rigan's band's tape.[2][2] (Begins digging in her book bag) 

Jane: How was it? 

Daria: I thought it was OK, but then, how would I know? I thought Mystik Spiral would disband. (Hands it to Jane) Here. Listen and tell me Sunday. 

Jane: Okay. (Taking the Tape) I hope you didn't have anything scheduled for tonight with Tom, 'cause it's a way's to go to First Impression. 

Daria: Nope, he's going to see his great aunt in Galveston. What about you and Isaac? 

Jane: Isaac has a long shift today. 

Daria: I've never heard of First Impression. What do you think it could be? 

Jane: Sounds like they teach modeling, or possibly cold calling. 

Ben: (Off Screen) And what might the significance of the sudden entry of Cuculcán into Mayan myths in the Tenth Century, say... Daria? 

Daria: Sounds like wonderful fodder for a short story, now doesn't it? (Faces forward) Cuculcán is the Yucatec pronunciation for a Mayan compound word meaning "feathered serpent," and is the literal translation of Quetzalcoatl, the Nahuatl name for a creation deity revered throughout the Valley of Mexico and surrounding environs. Quetzalcoatl was associated with a deposed Toltec ruler named Topolizin, who was exiled by the priesthood of Tetzcalipoca. The connection is the fusion of Toltec and Yucatec Maya architecture and religious motifs at Chichen Itza. 'Course the Chacmool altars there would seem to indicate that he wasn't about to give up human sacrifice. 

Pan over to a smiling Ben. 

Ben: Indeed. A good thing neither he nor his supporters ever managed to return to the Valley of Mexico before the ruination of Toltec Culture. 

Commercial Break. Stinger: Upchuck huddled in his cell.   
  


Scene: Long establishing steady shot of a bus driving down a two lane road. Cut to an interior shot. Daria, Jane and Jodie are in a seat, talking to one another. Music: _Go Your Own Way_, by Fleetwood Mac. 

Daria: And so he says, "Elves just left the building!" 

Jane and Jodie laugh. 

Jane: (Turning to Jodie) So how are you and Mack doing? 

Jodie: Could be worse. With Kevin on academic probation,[3][3] though, he's having to pick up the slack with regard to play planning. Aargh! 

Daria: Come on. Mack isn't Kevin. 

Jodie: Yeah, but between football, the hockey season coming up, and his dad sending him up to a new college every weekend, we hardly ever see each other anymore. Not to mention me on the academic team, the _Lawndale Lowdown_ staff and Student Government. 

Daria: Hey, if he's still in the cafeteria at lunch, then you still see him three times a week more often than I see Tom. 

Jodie: (Blushing) Sorry. Sadly, I'm no longer sure I should have made Upchuck come clean.[4][4] He was Student Government Secretary. Until a fill in election happens next semester, I'll have to do that, too. (Beat) Damn minutes. 

Jane: You look like you could use a break. Ever thought of running away? 

Jodie: Constantly. 

Daria: Well, if it's any consolation, Upchuck is probably in worse shape than you. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Outside. A group of teenagers are lined up six by six and standing at attention. In the third row is Upchuck, scared out of his gourd. Cut to Mr. Buzzcut, (From _Beavis and Butt-Head_) who is wearing a gray USMC sweatshirt and his trademark "chewing nails" expression.. 

Buzzcut: Quiet! Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life. Each day will bring new pain and suffering! I took this job last year for the peace and relaxation. From now on it will be you punks who will experience the true brutality and torture of a proper military drill. 

Cut to Upchuck 

Upchuck: (Thought Voice Over) Not again! What's he scheduled this time? 

Cut to Buzzcut. 

Buzzcut: Today I've re-arranged the obstacle course. As you see here, there is a new hill and a greased rope, along with new incentives for the monkey bars. We're going to whip you juvenile delinquents into shape if it kills _you_. 

Cut to Upchuck, looking really worried, who swallows. 

Cut to:   


Scene: The bus, interior. Mr. Breeck is behind the bus driver, (who looks like Nintendo's Mario) reading _Prophecy: Child of Earth_ by Elizabeth Haydon. Sound like a gunshot. Motor stops. 

Ben: (Putting down the book). Hey, what happened? 

Driver: We had a tire blow out. 

Ben: Is there any spare? 

Driver: You kidding? Three of these babies came out of _my_ salary. I can't afford no stinking spare. We're gonna have to call AAA. 

Ben: (Under his breath) _Beep_ you, Angela Li, and the boat you came in on. 

Cut to Daria, Jane, and Jodie. 

Daria: Oh well, so much for our spotless record. 

Jane: Remember the last time we were stuck out in the woods, Daria? 

Daria: Yeah, all the paintballs, chiggers, and fish tales we could stand.[5][5] More, in fact than I could. 

Jodie: And I was hoping to catch that late show at Moviemultiplex of _How the Grinch Stole Christmas_ with Mack. 

Daria: Well, I guess that late call to Tom is out. 

Jane: It wasn't a scheduled event was it? 

Daria: No, just a tradition. (Beat) Sort of like bad movie nights. 

Jane: _Box Office Video_ is really busy today. (Beat) So I can't just borrow a cell phone to call Isaac. 

Jodie: Darn. 

Cut to:   


Scene. Juvenile facility. People are running the obstacle course. Suddenly one of the boys falls and begins roaring with pain. Mr. Buzzcut runs over to him. Cut to Upchuck, who has stopped and is looking at a long pipe, metal at one end and heavy rubber at the other. 

Upchuck (Smiling evilly, Thought Voice Over) Now's my chance to blow this joint. 

Upchuck picks up the pipe by the rubber end and runs over to the wall (Looking like an Olympic pole vault contestant). (Scene shows in slow motion to Vangelis' theme to _Chariots of Fire_.) Upchuck plants the pole and sails over the fence and its razor wire on either side and above it. As he clears the shot, we hear a _rip_, (as in ripping textiles) and the music stops. 

Cut to: a 1992 Cadillac Allanté with its top torn. Upchuck pokes his head out of the hole, breathing heavily. 

Upchuck: (Thought Voice Over) Now, which way to Crewe Neck? 

Upchuck scrambles out of the convertible. (_Beep Beep_) Upchuck looks off screen. Cut to a woman on a 1993 Suzuki Bandit 1200 with a long two seat saddle, who looks like a wrestler or female bodybuilder. She has a leering grin and is wiggling her finger invitingly. Cut to an obviously smitten Upchuck. 

Upchuck: Wowsers! 

Cut to: 

Scene: Split screen between Quinn's room and David's Dorm Kitchen. Quinn and David are talking on the phone. 

Quinn: Well, I've just sent in an essay to _Waif_ for their competition. 

David: I hope that it isn't a sign of relapse. 

Quinn: Don't worry. It had nothing to do with fashion. Mr. O'Neill said they were offering a $5,000 scholarship to the winner. It was a comparison between Ira Einhorn and Timothy McVeigh and how the exposure of their respective flaws supposedly pointed out the problems with the left and right, respectively, but really didn't, or at least not quite. 

David: That's amazing. If you don't win, I'll personally investigate the contest and report the fix to _Sick, Sad World_. 

Quinn: (Blushing) Aw Shucks... You didn't have to say that. 

David: How'd you research it? 

Quinn: Daria leant me her library and her password at Skeptics.net for sources. I almost, but not quite understand her fascination with that place. 

David: I'll have to look into it. And speaking of fashion, this girl came up to me about a half hour ago. She showed me a picture of you with some football player. I think you must be capable of cloning yourself, because while we were making out at the movie theater, you were cheating on me with that player at Pizza King. And it looked like you were in something your mother dressed up in in college. 

Quinn: What did she look like? Was she Oriental with a sea green dress and a purse on her shoulder, or did she have brown hair and a tank top? 

David: The second, and she had a voice like Gilbert Godfried and Taylor Dane's love child, (Switching to an imitation of Sandi's Voice) with, like, a regular Valley Girl accent. 

Quinn: (Giggling) You just met the president of the Fashion Club. 

David: (Grimacing) Really? I can take being collateral damage in a personal feud, but now Sandi has personally insulted my intelligence. 

Quinn: So you'll support me? 

David: As long as you give me plausible deniability. 

Quinn: Thank you, David. So, what is your family doing for Thanksgiving? 

David: Well, Quinn, my parents don't live around here, and it'll be at least a ten hour drive to get to their house, not counting bathroom and gas breaks. Are you sure you want to come? Couldn't we meet your folks at your house? 

Quinn: Believe me, you don't want to try Dad's Wild Turkey Surprise. The surprise is that it is at all identifiable as turkey. And the knowledge that I'm dating you before July of next year would be enough to drive him back into heart attack country. 

David: I see. Well, I'll pick you up from school, next Wednesday. (Beat, jokingly) But if any cops pull us over, you were just a hitchhiker. 

Quinn: Don't worry. Stacy's covering for us. They are having a big family get together in Corpus Christi, and I've been invited. Mom's already said yes. 

David: If you say so. See you Wednesday, then. 

Quinn: Sure. Bye Bye. (Hangs Up) 

End Split Screen. Phone Rings. 

Quinn: (Picking up phone) Hello? (Beat) Oh, it's you. (Beat) None of your business. Now what's this about? (Beat) You're _where_? With _whom_? (Beat) Sorry. Mom's working late. I think this is the second to last case before the final decision to make her a partner, and Dad's entertaining a client at Chez Pierre. (Beat) Can't you just call your folks? (Beat, Sigh) I see. I'll see what I can do. (Hangs up. Goes over to her make up desk, opens up a drawer and pulls out a phone book.) (Thought Voice Over) Good to keep this handy. (Opens it up, flips a few pages, then picks up the phone to do some dialing.) (Out loud) Danny? 

Split screen to put Danny Moreno on screen with a circular dial type phone. 

Danny: Yeah? 

Quinn: Is your brother around? 

Danny: Sure. 

Quinn: Listen, you want to get on my good side? Well this will really help.[6 ][6] Don't worry there's some cash in it, too... 

Cut to:   


Scene: The Bus, Exterior establishing shot, cut to an interior shot of Ben and the Bus Driver. The Bus Driver is talking on the CB. 

Driver: What the _beep_ is going on? It's been over an hour! Either get a tow truck over here pronto or get some new tires. Lawndale Independent Number 89 out. (Puts the receiver back on the hook) 

Ben: I just hope Claire understands. 

Distant sound of Police Sirens. 

Driver: Finally. 

Pan out a window as the Doppler Effect raises the frequency of the sirens and patrol cruisers marked as belonging to the Texas Rangers and the Carter County Sheriff's Office zoom past, then lowers the frequency of them. 

Driver: What the _Beep?_

Cut to Daria, Jane, and Jodie. 

Jodie: What was that all about? 

Daria: I suspect bootleggers have been spotted with ten crates of Tropicana Twister, and the proper authorities have been notified about it. 

Jane: Think they will get into _America's Scariest Police Videos_? 

Daria: More like _When Party Animals Attack III_. 

Jodie: Daria, I'm serious. Somebody might really be hurt. 

Cut to:   


Scene: A small plank house next to a sandy driveway. Parked at the side is the Suzuki Bandit. 

Upchuck: (Off Screen) Please, stop it! 

Woman's voice: (Sounds like the wrestler Chyna) Well, you weren't complaining before. 

Upchuck: That's before you stared giving me this rub burn. 

Woman: Shut up, or I'll give you a very amateur circumcision. 

Sound of a car driving up. Pan to the Tank driving up, with Jesse driving and Danny riding shotgun. Maintain the shot as they reach the house. 

Jesse: Are you sure this is were she told you to go? 

Danny: Positive. 

Jesse: Honks the horn. 

Commercial Break. Stinger: Upchuck pole vaulting over the fence.   


**Commercial**

**Voice Over: The next episode of The New Teacher Series is one which Daria-Tom shippers...**

**Scene: Daria and Tom are at a street corner. Tom is ticking off points with his fingers. Daria looks incredulous.**

**Tom: (Angry Tone) Daria, not only have you been going out behind my back, but with _him?_**

**Daria: Tom, what planet are you from?**

**Voice Over: ...Quinn-David shippers...**

**Split Screen between Quinn and David on the phone.**

**Quinn: David, I think I may have some very bad news.**

**Voice Over: ...And Ben-Ms. Defoe shippers everywhere are looking forward to with dread.**

**Scene: Ben's trailer. A short blond woman has his arms around him, while he looks a little nervous. Claire DeFoe opens the door, startling the woman hugging Ben. DeFoe takes on a shocked, then angry look.**

**Ben: I know what it looks like, Claire, but it's not what it seems.**

**Claire slams the Door shut behind her.**

**End Commercial**   


Scene: The bus. Daria and Jane are outside, on a shoulder of the road. Daria is writing, Jane is sketching. Cut to the sun on the western horizon. Cut back to Daria and Jane. 

Daria: Is it bigger than a cat box? 

Jane: No. 

Daria: It's bigger than a bread box and smaller than a cat box? 

Jane: Yes. 

Daria: Is it a recent item? 

Jane: Define recent. 

Daria: Was it made after 1989? 

Jane: No. 

Daria: Was it made after 1979? 

Jane: Yes. 

Daria: Did it use electricity? (Sound of an automobile engine) 

Jane: Yes- Look! (Points. Daria looks over to where Jane is pointing. Pan over to a pickup truck pulling over to the side of the road with tires in its bed. Cut over Daria and Jane. 

Daria: (deadpan) We're saved. 

Jane: (In a bad imitation of a charismatic preacher) Hallelujah, Praise the Lord! 

Cut to:   


Scene: The Tank, which is still parked out in front of the house. Jesse and Danny are inside. 

Danny: C'mon. We haven't got all weekend. 

Jesse: Yeah. Didn't Daria's sister say she'd pay us anyway? Whoa! What's that? 

Pan to the house, where a frightened Upchuck is running out of the house dressed in what looks like a giant disposable baby diaper. Maintain the shot as he runs up up to the Tank 

Upchuck: (Pounding on the sliding door) Open up! Please open up! 

Door opens. Upchuck gets in. Cut to the Tank, interior. 

Jesse: Okay, here are the rules. One: If you mess it up, you clean it up. Two: Don't touch any of the instruments. They're worth more than your life. Three: The bumper sticker out back, I mean every word of it. Got it? 

Upchuck nods. 

Jesse: Good. (he twists the keys and the Tank roars to life.) Now sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. 

Cut to exterior shot of the Tank pulling out. Pan over to the Female Bodybuilder, wearing a Nurse's uniform. She gets on her motorcycle and starts it. 

Female Bodybuilder: (Thought Voice Over) You aren't getting away this easily. 

She kicks up the stand and pulls out. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Establishing shot of Morgendorffer residence, exterior. Cut to the living room, where Jake is on the couch and Helen is pacing around. 

Jake: It's all my fault. If I hadn't told her about the money, none of this would have happened.[7][7]

Helen: Now Jake, calm down. They're probably just in overtime. (Phone Rings, Helen Picks it up) Hello? (Beat) Yes, this is she. (Beat) Really? (Beat) I see. Thank you. (Hangs up) That was Mr. Breeck, the Academic coach. He's calling all the parents to let them know there was a slight delay and that they will be home in a half an hour. 

Jake: (Visibly Relieved) Really? 

Cut to:   


Scene: The Bus. All the students are back inside, and the driver is about to start it up again. Cut to Daria, Jane, and Jodie. 

Jodie: Well, I had a lot of fun, considering. It was good mending fences, don't you think? 

Daria: If you like it this much, maybe you could help Dad fix that monster chain link in our back yard. 

Jane: I don't know about fences, but there's a gazebo out back of my house I promised I'd get fixed before Mom and Dad got back.[8][8] What the..? 

Pan out the window. A police cruiser rushes by at the opposite lane, and pulls sideways. Cut to the Tank, though the windshield. Jesse slams on the brakes. The tank skids into the ditch. Upchuck (still in his previous outfit) bursts out of the doors and runs up to the cruiser. 

Upchuck: Please! Take me in! I promise I'll be a good boy! Please! 

The officers suddenly have a startled look on their face. They tackle Upchuck. Cut to the Suzuki Bandit and its rider. She grins wolfishly and pops a wheelie. Cut to a slow motion shot of her jumping the cruiser and flipping over... but not a full flip. Cut to Daria and Jane closing their eyes as the scene shakes and crash sound effects are heard. 

Daria: (As she and Jane open their eyes) Now there's something you don't see everyday. 

Jane: (giggles slightly) 

Cut to: 

TV screen showing Upchuck being interviewed by _Sick, Sad World_. He and his interviewer are separated by a glass divider and are talking by the prison visiting phone. 

Upchuck: And then I learned that she was the Drill Sgt... ahem P.E. Teacher's estranged daughter. 

Screen cuts to an obviously female, but also obviously muscular body cast in a hospital room. 

_Sick, Sad World_ Announcer: Not only that, but she had jumped bail in Tennessee on forcible rape and indecent battery charges. The victim, professional wrestler El Falco, has yet to fully recover from the prostate injury and priapism she allegedly caused. 

Pan and zoom out to reveal Daria's room. Then split screen between Daria and Tom on the phone. 

Daria: They rescheduled the match sometime in February, so it wasn't a total loss. 

Tom: What do you think will happen to poor Upchuck? 

Daria: I don't know. If he survives his ordeal at the facility, he may become a decent human being, but I wouldn't hold my breath. So, how is Thanksgiving in Galveston? 

Tom: The usual. This year we had barbecued emu. For Christmas it'll be fresh Indian Megapod A.K.A. Christmas Island Turkey, and next Easter I and Elise, along with a few cousins, will be hunting ostrich Easter eggs. 

Daria: (Deadpan) Like wow. I just retired from a meal of turkey jerky, kosher gravy, manna, and salad greens with Mom's special dressing that I think she got from _Good Housekeeping_, then we've been watching _Squanto_, _The Rabbi_, _Heaven's Gate_ and _Fiddler on the Roof_. If I hear another bad polka with Yiddish lyrics in it, I swear I'll go into a berserk rage. Quinn's visiting Stacy, or so she says. 

Tom: Will you be at the Zen, Next Friday? 

Daria: Barring unforeseen circumstances. 

Tom: I'll see you then. 

Roll Credits. Music: _Riot in Cell Block Number Nine_, the Grateful Dead version. 

Makeovers: 

Ben in a zebra stripe convict costume, complete with drag ball 

Mr. DeMartino as The Sheriff of Nottingham 

Daria as the Timecop. 

Jane as The Bowler from _Mystery Men_

Quinn as Harley Quinn, from _Batman_

Mr. Buzzcut as Jack Deth from _Trancers_

The Bodybuilder as Red Claw from _Batman_

Jesse as George Jung[9][9]

Upchuck as Stanley Tweedle from _Lexx_

Tom as Shaggy From _Scooby Doo_

Daria Logo. 

Notes: 

1. This is a reference to events in TNTS 1:06, Courtroom Trauma. 

2. From TNTS 1:08 Zenned Out. 

3. See TNTS 1:05 Homecomming Dunce

4. Once again, from Courtroom Trauma. 

5. From _The Daria Hunter_. 

6. Danny got on her bad side in TNTS 1:07 Open Season. 

7. A reference to a major storyline that began in TNTS 1:03 Pedantic Team. 

8.. I realise that the specific events of _Art Burn_ didn't happen in this continuum, but that doesn't mean the gazebo would have been in much better shape. 

9. George Jung smuggled cocaine into the U.S. during the Seventies. He is the autobiographical subject of the book and movie _Blow_. 

   [1]: #1
   [2]: #2
   [3]: #3
   [4]: #4
   [5]: #5
   [6]: #6
   [7]: #7
   [8]: #8
   [9]: #9



	10. Strained Relations

Strained Relations

Disclaimer:

The Characters of Daria Morgendorffer, Quinn Morgendorffer, Jane Lane, Trent Lane, Jesse Moreno, Nick Campbell, Max   
Tyler, Kevin Thompson, Michael Jordan "Mack" MacKenzie, Brittany Taylor, Jodie Landon, Angela Li, Anthony DeMartino,   
and many more, even if not mentioned here, are the Creation of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis and Copyright MTV Studios.   
Words to the Song _Silver Springs_ copyright 1993-1995 Stephanie "Stevie" Nicks, Performed by Fleetwood Mac, used without permission. This story is in no way to be construed as a challenge to said copyrights. 

Some of the events and persons mentioned in this fanfic did happen and do exist, but have been somewhat fictionalized. I myself have diverged from the alternate self shown here sometime in 1996. To those of you who may be offended, remember: this is a cartoon. This is not and could never be real. 

Permission is granted to repost, republish, or retransmit this work in any way, shape, or form as long as these disclaimers   
remain intact, and no one except Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, MTV Studios, or Viacom, the parent of MTV receive financial   
remuneration. 

Historians' Note: This story and its sequels take place in lieu of the prospective Season Five. 

Opening Sequence: 

Splendora's _You're Standing On My Neck_ has been replaced by _Man on the Moon_ by REM, and the following montage   
plays: 

Mr. Ben Breeck looks resigned. Pan over to his students, who include Daria, Jane, Kevin, Brittany, Upchuck, and most of the rest of the gang in Daria's class. 

Ben is in Principal Li's office, with narrowed eyes, and regards Li, who is yakking in grandiose terms, with a look of tired incredulity. 

Pizza King. Ben is grading papers while hoisting a slice with pepperoni, bacon, onions, anchovies, and sun dried tomatoes. Pan to Daria, Jane, and Tom's booth. Daria is suspicious, Jane is startled, and Tom's face is neutral. 

A dance. Ben approaches Claire DeFoe and says something. She blushes and takes his hand. Pan to Upchuck with a camera snapping a picture. 

The classroom again. Mr. Breeck pulls a sleeping Kevin's face up by his hair, removes some googly-eyed Groucho glasses from his face, folds them, then drops Kevin's face back on his desk. Pan to Daria, Jane, and Jodie's approving glances. 

The Zen. Mystik Spiral is thrashing on stage, and Trent is singing like his life depends on it. Pan to the audience where one of the patrons is Ben, who's looking rather unimpressed. 

Daria is at a street corner with Tom, who is speaking. He stops talking, his tongue cleaving to the roof of his mouth. At the exact same instant, she acquires a cold, angry look, says something between clinched teeth, and stalks out of the shot. 

The Zen. Ben is up on stage and apparently doing a monologue. Pan to the audience, which includes Daria, Jane, and Mystik Spiral. Everybody is laughing except Daria. 

Close-up of Daria Smirking, which acquires an oval around it. Zoom into the Daria Logo. Super: Daria in: 

**Strained Relations**   
A Piece of Daria Fan Fiction by Ben Breeck   
Episode 1:10 of The New Teacher Series 

  


Scene: Establishing Shot of Carter County Mobile Home Park. Pan over to Ben's Trailer, where he is grinding up something green in a mortar and pestle. Cut to an interior shot of Ben making pesto. Next to him are two whole wheat homemade pizza crusts, a bowl of chopped onions and cucumbers, a second bowl of cheese, and a third bowl of shredded chicken. Cut to a 1986 Pontiac Grand Prix (with Kentucky plates) turning in to the park and pulling next to Ben's trailer. Cut to Ben pouring the pesto into the pizza crusts. Sound of a knock at the door. Maintain the shot as Ben walks over to the door and opens it. Cut to the doorway. The woman there is short (5'1"), with blond hair and blue eyes, dressed in a red knee length skirt and white and blue horizontal striped shirt. She wears glasses and has freckles all over her cheeks and arms, and is quite willowy. In her hand is a music maker of some sort, which she presses play. 

Woman: (singing along with Stevie Nicks doing Fleetwood Mac's _Silver Springs,_ and dancing into the trailer.) Time casts a spell on you but you won't forget me/ I know I could have loved you but you would not let me (No no no no no no)/ I'll follow you down 'till the sound of my voice will haunt you (Give me just a chance)/ You'll never get away from the sound of the woman who loves you (Was I just a fool?) 

Ben: Kim? Is that you? 

Kim: (Switching the device off) In the flesh. How _are_ you, Ben? 

Ben: This is rather unexpected. (Recovering) But really, _I_ was the one who tried to love _you_. I really couldn't compete with a burn victim on Montel Williams who inspired you to go into nursing. (Beat) What happened to Shawn? 

Kim: We broke up. You're gonna ask how I got here aren't you. I can see it. 

Ben: That would be a start. 

Kim: Well, after I got my Nursing Degree, I spent two years at Princess Memorial as am intern, before being offered a good job at this place called Cedars of Lawndale, in Texas. 

Ben: Really? I thought you wanted to go to Chicago, or Indianapolis. 

Kim: Well, in this line of work, you take what you can get. 

Ben: Go on. 

Kim: That was about a month ago, when I read in the paper that you'd gotten in trouble with the law, and you were right where I was working at[1][1]. 

Ben: That's kind of a long story. Maybe we could talk about it a little later. 

Kim: It took three weeks to get settled in at my new address, and by that time things had died down. And then I read about those academic team victories. I'm proud of you. 

Ben: Kim... 

Kim: I know you have several questions about how things are going. I know I do! Where'd you get those glasses? I knew I couldn't let you celebrate Thanksgiving alone. Ooh, are those pizzas? You were always a good cook. This is so exciting! 

Ben: (Starting to look really nervous) Kim... 

Kim: Ohh, I've missed you so. (Latches on for a big bear hug) 

Pan to show Claire DeFoe opening the door, startling Kim. DeFoe takes on a shocked, then angry look. 

Ben: I know what it looks like, Claire, but it's not what it seems. 

Claire slams the door shut behind her. 

Ben: (Smiling nervously) Kim, I have some real explaining to do.   


Scene: The Zen. Tom Sloane is at a table with a can of Coke. He checks a watch. He then gets up and exits the shot. Cut to the cash register. There is a guy behind the counter, thirties looking, with a mustache, shades, and sideburns. Tom walks up to him. 

Tom: Pardon me, but have you seen a girl, about this tall, auburn hair, wears glasses... 

Guy behind the cash register: (interrupting) Sure. She's a regular, but don't tell the cops that. (Points up on stage) Isn't that her up on stage? 

Tom looks where the guy points, then acquires a shocked, angry look. He stalks off in the opposite direction. Cut to:   


Scene: Establishing Exterior shot of Pizza Forest. Cut to an interior shot. Up on stage, Mystik Spiral (The audio-animatronics have all been shunted off to one side) has just finished a song. 

Trent: We're Mystik Spiral, and we'll be back for another set. 

Cut to Daria, Isaac and Jane, who are wearing birthday party hats. 

Jane: You did tell him that you were going to Link's birthday party, didn't you. 

Daria: Well, I left it on the answering machine. (Beat) Last night. 

Link: (Poking his head into the shot) Daria, Jane, quick. Uncle Ben's about to cut the cake. 

Ben: (Off Screen, Singing) For He's a jolly good fellow/ whose name is Robin Goodfellow/ For He's a Jolly Good Fel-low/ which nobody can deny! 

Cut to:   


Scene: Quinn's room. Quinn is dialing a number and puts her ear to the receiver. Split screen to put David into the picture. 

Quinn: David? 

David: Yeah, Quinn. 

Quinn: I think that I have some really bad news. 

David: What is it? 

Quinn: Remember Thanksgiving at your folks[2][2]? 

David: Yeah. 

Quinn: I know I was on the pill, but all this week I've been throwing up! 

David: Oh, No! 

Quinn: I think I'm pregnant, David. 

David: Why don't you get a test? 

Quinn: I'm afraid. I can hide my pills by having them flavored like breath mints, but I can't hide a _pregnancy test_! Not from Mom! 

David: I really hope this isn't true Quinn, I still have ten credits left to get my Bachelors, and at least three years for my Ph. D. 

Quinn: Hey, I'm just a high school junior. This is far worse for me. 

David: I'm sorry, Quinn. I didn't mean it that way. But I still sure hope you're wrong. 

Quinn: Me too. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Night external shot of Pizza Forest. Cut to the front door. Daria is exiting the restaurant. Jane and Isaac are already outside. 

Jane: Hey, Daria. How would you like a ride home? 

Daria: In that thing? How would you wedge me in? Seriously, it's a kind offer, but I'll pass. 

Jane: It's awfully dark. You sure about this? 

Daria: Jane, I've walked through worse in Highland. 

Jane: As you wish. 

Daria begins walking home. Wipe to another shot of Daria walking on the side of the road. Music: _Stray_, by Lisa Loeb and the Nine Lives. A white 1988 Ford Mustang GT convertible (With its top up) zooms past. Cut to the Mustang rounding a bend. Cut back to Daria. Ten seconds later, Tom's Ford Granada drives past Daria. Cut to Tom parking the car by the side of the road and getting out. Cut to Daria, in shock. 

Daria: Tom? 

Cut to a pissed looking Tom. 

Tom: There you are, Daria. 

Cut to Daria. 

Daria: Tom, I appreciate the offer, but I'm- Tom? 

Pan to put Tom in the shot. 

Tom: (Ticking off points with his fingers) I've been trailing you ever since you sang that duet with Jimmy back there at the Zen, then made out in his car. Not only have you been going out behind my back, but with _Him_? 

Daria: Tom, what planet are you from? I was invited to Link's birthday party at Pizza Forest after today's Academic match where we thoroughly humiliated Houston Science Magnet School. I put it on the answering machine last night... Jimmy? You mean that idiot from Fielding's academic team Jimmy? 

Tom: Don't play innocent. I saw it all. Daria, how could you? 

Daria: How could I what? For the last two hours I've been eating bad pizza and good cake, doing a roast of the birthday boy, listening to Mystik Spiral play songs from their new album and talk about their upcoming concert tour beginning February, and enduring Jane doing bad parodies on the karaoke machine along with the cartoon animals there. I even put it on the answering machine last night as to what I was doing. 

Tom: (Slowly losing steam) Daria, tonight was special. It is the six-month anniversary of that first kiss we had in the old Matador. And you are making excuses. 

Daria: (Starting to get angry) Tom, you don't seem to be hearing anything I'm saying. We never discussed the exact details of your breakup with Jane[3][3], but I would bet they were similar to what's happening right now. Goodbye, Tom. And if you come after me in your car I'll scream. (Stalks out of the shot.) 

Commercial Break. Stinger: Ms. DeFoe slamming the door on Ben and Kim.   


Montage. Music: _It Must Have Been Love (But it's Over Now)_ by Roxette. 

Claire DeFoe crying while eating chocolates in her loft with her roommates and watching _Cliffhanger_. 

Ben sniffling while eating sweet and sour chicken with chopsticks (very shakily) and watching _Sick, Sad World_. 

Daria banging something out on her keyboard, a look of grim determination on her face. 

Quinn in her room pacing nervously. There are circles under her eyes. 

A classroom with an unknown teacher. Pan to David, who is so deprived of sleep he looks like a zombie. 

Tom at home walking up to the answering machine. He presses a button, and three seconds later facefaults. 

Daria Playing _Doom_ with a grim determination on her face. Pan over her shoulder, where we see that this time all the Former Humans have been replaced by likenesses of Tom. 

Ben is walking through a Lawndale High School hall. Cut to disapproving stares by Anthony DeMartino and Diana Bennet, and a predatory baring of teeth by Janet Barch. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Split Screen between Daria's room and the Lane kitchen. Daria and Jane are talking on the phone. 

Jane: Daria, What gives? You didn't come over for bad movie nights. What gives? 

Daria: (Grimly) Jane, I just broke up with Tom. 

Jane: (Shocked Look) You did _what_? 

Daria: You heard me. I broke up with Tom. 

Jane: (Slowly Recovering) I just don't believe it. I mean, you seemed to have way more in common with him than I did. 

Daria: I was walking home from Pizza Forest, after Link's party, when Tom pulled up. He said I was cheating on him with Jimmy, of all people. 

Jane: Really? From Felidng Prep? The wrong answer boy? No way! 

Daria: Way! It seems he didn't bother to answer the answering machine, and then he thought he saw me and Jimmy up on stage at the Zen, then saw us making out in a car after the show. 

Jane: When we all saw you at the party. You didn't even excuse yourself to the bathroom. How'd you manage it? 

Daria: I don't know. 

Jane: (Suddenly Realizing Something) Wait a minute! Back during that match with Fielding, I went to the bathroom after completing my tests. As I was going through the hall, I saw Cindy with Jimmy. 

Daria: Cindy? 

Jane: She looks like you, except that her clothes are colored differently[4][4]. She's Andrea's friend. 

Daria: How do you know this? 

Jane: How do you think she became Andrea's friend? We used to do things together, and then I indroduced the two to each other. The result was reminiscent of you and Ted, and bubblegum, and the Beatles[5][5]. I think you saw her at Brittany's party last year. 

Daria: Don't remind me of Ted. He's worse than Quinn used to be. 

Jane: I understand. Hey, I have tickets and back stage passes to one of Mystik Spiral's first concerts. It's going to be in New Jersey during Spring Break. 

Daria: Jane, I don't think so. 

Jane: Why not, Daria? 

Daria: Jane, Number One: That's four months from now, and we could be in the All A tournament. Two, I don't think Mom or Dad would approve. Three and most important, I'm on the rebound, but not _that_ much on the rebound. 

Jane: Am I that transparent? 

Daria: Jane, I've known you for about two years now. It's nothing you wouldn't do. I still can't forgive Trent for that multimedia project he screwed up[6][6]. 

Jane: I see. 

Daria: Sorry, Jane. I promise I be there next week, okay? 

Jane: I know the perfect bad movie, too. 

Daria: Don't spoil it. I want to be surprised. Bye bye, Jane. 

Jane: As you wish. Good bye, Daria. 

They hang up. End Split screen. Daria clicks the remote. Pan and zoom into the television screen as it shows various Dolphins, Orcas, and Cachalots with soap suds on their bodies. 

_Sick, Sad World_ Announcer: When cetaceans get too hairy, these guys are the barbers sent to make them presentable. Shaving the Whales, NEXT on _Sick, Sad World_! 

Zoom out to Ben's Trailer. Ben is in the easy chair eating a dinner of Pacific smoked salmon wrapped in bacon and a tossed salad. Phone rings. Ben picks it up. Split Screen between Kim's apartment and Ben's trailer. 

Kim: Ben? How are you? 

Ben: As well as expected, considering that my current love thinks I'm a liar and a two-timer. 

Kim: Maybe it's all those clocks in your trailer set to both Eastern _and_ Central time. 

Ben: Kim... 

Kim: Sorry. 

Ben: How'd you get my number? The new phone book is not due out for another month. 

Kim: I called the school secretary, said I was a parent of one of your students. 

Ben: And they gave it out just like that? I'm not very popular with some of my students' parents. 

Kim: I said I wanted to thank you for what a good job you've done. I also scheduled a meeting with Ms. DeFoe. 

Ben: Don't you worry they'll look you up? 

Kim: I used Mr. Franklin as an intermediary, if you get my drift. 

Ben: Uh, I sure hope you know what you're doing. 

Kim: Don't worry. It can't be traced to you. I swear I'll make it up to you. I swear it. 

Ben: Thank you Kim, I just don't know what to say. 

Kim: Don't worry, you just did. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Establishing Shot of Lawndale High. Cut to a Bell Ringing. Cut to the Art Room. Claire Defoe is sculpting something with lots of spikes and edges. Sound of a door knock. 

DeFoe: Come In, Ms. Hulker. 

Pan to the door opening. Kim enters and closes the door. 

Ms. DeFoe Turns to her grade book, turns to the door, and gasps. 

Cut to Kim. 

Kim: It's okay, He doesn't know about this. 

Cut to DeFoe. 

DeFoe: So, you've come to rub my nose into it? 

Cut to Kim. 

Kim: Nothing of the sort. (cue music: _Listen to Your Heart_ by Roxette) I came to say I'm sorry. See, we were a couple for four years, starting the last semester of his senior year. Except that I suppose that I wasn't as attentive as I could have been. I also had a crush on this kid from Montel Williams. (Beat) I've never managed to meet him, but I later found out that he was engaged, but it was that kid who inspired me to go into nursing, not that Ben didn't encourage me to enter nursing school as well. We broke up. Then when I got here after nursing school, I was on the rebound. I didn't know he had a new girlfriend when I found his address. I swear it. Ben's a wonderful guy who would never cheat on you. He's still a virgin, for crying out loud. 

DeFoe: Really? 

Kim: Of course. I'm sorry. I hope you can stop blaming him and start blaming me. (Beat) And then forgive me. 

DeFoe: I suppose you aren't the only one who should be sorry. Why don't we surprise him? I know this delicious recipe 

Kim: Sure thing. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Just outside a girl's bathroom in Lawndale high. Sound of a toilet being flushed. A beaming Quinn comes through the door. Maintain the shot as a puzzled Stacy comes into view. 

Stacy: Quinn, what's going on? 

Quinn: Nothing but a monkey jumping right off my back. There's lots to talk about this afternoon at Pizza King. Want to come? 

Stacy: Sure, if it will clear up all this strangeness going on with you. 

Commercial Break. Stinger: Daria and Jane talking on the phone.   


**Commercial**

**Voice Over: On the next episode of The New Teacher Series, Lawndale High comes under fire, at least in a figurative sense.**

**Scene: A large room filled with parents of Lawndale High students, as well as more than a few teachers. At the podium is Michelle Landon.**

**Michelle: This action is unbelievable.**

**Voice Over: And you won't believe who's in charge of this assault.**

**Scene: Timothy O'Neill is at the Podium.**

**O'Niell: It takes a lot to make me blow my top, but this is absolutely outrageous.**

**Voice Over: All this, and much more, Next Week!**

**End Commercial**   


Scene: Pizza King. Quinn and Stacy are talking between slices of cheese pizza. 

Stacy: Really? 

Quinn: Please don't tell, Stacy. 

Stacy: Of course not. To tell you the truth, I've been throwing up a lot too. I think it's the food. 

Quinn: Really? Maybe we could put some under a microscope for a science project. 

Stacy: Good. I could use the extra credit. And maybe we could get to the bottom of this. (Points) Hey which one is your sister? 

Pan over to a different table, where Daria is sitting down next to a girl who looks like her exact double, except that she is wearing a somewhat longer skirt and orange jacket, and her glasses are Fifties style pointed cornered. 

Girl: Go away, Daria. 

Daria: This will only take a second. 

Flash goes off and sound of a camera clicking. Girl falls out of her chair. 

Girl: What was all that for? 

Daria: Cindy, do you go to the Zen regularly, with a student of Fielding named Jimmy? 

Cindy: Sure. We do covers of GoGos, Talking Heads, and B52s Songs. Why? 

Daria: Well, my boyfriend- ahem ex-boyfriend saw you two on stage. He thought you were me. 

Cindy: You must be talking about Tom. Jimmy told me about him, except that I think he's in college. 

Daria: He is. (Reaching into the the foreground and picking up a large camera) If you ever need a favor, call me. 

Cindy: I might take you up on that sometime. Thank you for taking my time and trying my patience. 

Cut to: 

Scene: The Giant Strawberry. Quinn and David are walking and talking together. 

David: Quinn, I've done some serious soul searching, and I have come to a decision. I'll support you in what ever choice you make regarding our child. 

Quinn: That's sweet, David, it really is. But it turns out, I'm really not pregnant. 

David: Did you take a pregnancy test, Quinn? 

Quinn: No. 

David: Then how the heck do you know? 

Quinn: (Smiling Broadly) Because I'm having my period, and it is quite heavy. 

David: (Sighing With Relief) Then why were you throwing up? 

Quinn: Remember Jack-in-the-Box a while back? They had undercooked burgers that made people sick? Well, the beef in the lunchroom's spaghetti's the same way. I wasn't the only one to get it either. I think you call the bug _E. Coli. _Several students missed classes. 

David: Why didn't Daria get it? 

Quinn: I guess because she's been bagging her lunch recently. 

David: I see. What are you going to do? 

Quinn: I've already sent duplicate reports to Ms. Barch; my science teacher, the Superintendent, and to Principal Li. 

David: I see. This is unbelievable, Quinn. I love you. (Cue Music: _Leather and Lace_ By Fleetwood Mac, Featuring Don Henley.) 

Quinn: I love you, too. David. 

They Embrace. 

David: Quinn, are you sure I can kiss you? 

Quinn: Sure I'm sure. 

David: Okay... 

They Kiss. Cut to:   


Scene: Carter County Mobile Home Park. Ben is getting out of the Jeep. Cut to him placing keys into two different locks on his doors and turning them. And then opening the door. Suddenly he sniffs. 

Ben: (Thought Voice Over) Something smells good. (Suspicious expression) What's going on? 

Cut to him entering the Mobile home. Suddenly, all the lights come on. 

DeFoe and Kim: (Off Screen, in chorus) Surprise! 

Cut to close up of a rather startled Ben. 

Ben: You shouldn't have. (Recovering and inhaling some more) Really, you simply shouldn't have. 

Cut to Kim and Defoe. Kim is holding a baking sheet with some delicious looking pastries on it. DeFoe is pulling off oven mitts. 

Kim: I know, but it's just that I couldn't help it. I've had a lot of practice in three years. 

DeFoe: Just a little something to say I'm sorry. 

Pan to put Ben in the shot, inhaling through his nose. 

Ben: Calzone Carbonarra. My Favorite! (To DeFoe) But really. There's nothing to forgive or be sorry about. It was an honest mistake. 

Kim: I better go get the wine at the liquor store. See you two love birds soon. (Exits the shot. Cue Music: _It's All Coming Back to Me_ by Celine Dion.) 

Ben: But you know I don't drink[7][7]. (Sound of the door closing, To DeFoe) Claire, whose idea was it? 

Defoe: Mine. I saw that Italian Cookbook you had in your pantry, and decided to try it out. 

Ben: I see. So, how did you get in? 

Defoe: My, aren't you the scatterbrained one. You gave me the keys, remember? 

Ben: Oh, that's right. I hope you don't have any exes that I need to know about? 

DeFoe: Only my ex classmates at my loft[8][8]. 

They embrace. Cut to:   


Scene: Morgendorffer Residence, exterior establishing shot. Tom's Ford Granada is in the Drive way, but not Helen's SUV or Jake's Lexus. Cut to the living room, where Daria and Tom are talking. 

Tom: (Looking at the photograph of Daria and Cindy) I'm sorry, Daria. Later that night I _did_ listen to that message. I don't know how you can forgive me. 

Daria: Why didn't you call the next day, or the day after? It's been almost one _week_! Finals are over and you are back to spending 24/7 at the mansion. 

Tom: I thought the line would be busy, what with Quinn and all. 

Daria: The line was almost always free. You didn't even try, Tom. 

Tom: Daria... 

Daria: Tom, I've been doing some thinking. I may be right for what you need, and you may be right for what I need, but we really aren't right for each other. Not right now, at least. 

Tom: You know I would make a better boyfriend than the lead singer of a grunge band who was too sleepy to help you when you needed it and he didn't have any gigs. 

Daria: You don't know how empty that boast is, Tom, even if it is true. Tom, from now, well for the time being, let's just be friends and leave the boyfriend and girl friend stuff until later, okay? 

Tom: If you wish. It's just that it's been enjoyable being your beau is all. 

Daria: I wish. Tom, don't think of it as a failed experiment, think of it as a learning experience. It certainly has been one for me. 

Tom (Looking Sad): As you wish. 

Roll Credits. Theme: _Landslide_, by Fleetwood Mac 

Makeovers: 

Ben as Tenchi 

Kim as a Sailor Senshi 

Claire DeFoe as Dorothy from _The Big O_. 

David as Der Fledermaus from _The Tick._

Quinn as Mistress Liberty from _The Tick_. 

Stacy as Roll from _Mega Man_. 

Tom as J. Jonah Jameson from the _Spiderman_ comics. 

Daria as Min, from Robert Jordan's _Wheel of Time_ series. 

Daria Logo. 

Notes: 

1. The events of Homecoming Dunce and Courtroom Trauma. 

2. It was talked about in Roasted, Prime Chuck. 

3. But the audience saw the opening rounds in _Dye Dye, My Darling_. 

4. She's been in _The Invitation_, _Malled_, _This Year's Model_, _The Misery Chick_, _Daria Dance Party_, _Daria!_ (her only speaking part), _A Tree Grows in Lawndale_, _I Loathe a Parade_, _Groped by an Angel _, and _Fizz Ed_. It was the MTV Daria website that had given her her name very recently. 

5. _The New Kid_ has all the gory details. 

6. See _Jane's Addition_. 

7. And I really don't. Most beers are either too bitter, (Hops are a preservative, nothing more or less. Don't _ever_ believe otherwise.) or too sweet. (I absolutely hate priming sugar.) As for wine, it tastes _way_ too pulpy. And distilled spirits are just for washing one's mouth out, IMNSHO. 

8. This came from _Outpost Daria_. 

   [1]: #1
   [2]: #2
   [3]: #3
   [4]: #4
   [5]: #5
   [6]: #6
   [7]: #7
   [8]: #8



	11. T.P.A.

Disclaimer

The Characters of Daria Morgendorffer, Quinn Morgendorffer, Jane Lane, Trent Lane, Jesse Moreno, Nick Campbell, Max Tyler, Kevin Thompson, Michael Jordan "Mack" MacKenzie, Brittany Taylor, Jodie Landon, Angela Li, Anthony DeMartino, and many more, even if not mentioned here, are the Creation of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis and Copyright MTV Studios. This story is in no way to be construed as a challenge to said copyright. 

Some of the events and persons mentioned in this fanfic did happen and do exist, but have been somewhat fictionalized. I myself have diverged from the alternate self shown here sometime in 1996. To those of you who may be offended, remember: this is a cartoon. This is not and could never be real. 

Permission is granted to repost, republish, or retransmit this work in any way, shape, or form as long as these disclaimers remain intact, and no one except Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, MTV Studios, or Viacom, the parent of MTV receive financial remuneration. 

Historians' Note: This story and its sequels take place in lieu of the prospective Season Five. 

Opening Sequence: 

Splendora's _You're Standing On My Neck_ has been replaced by _Man on the Moon_ by REM, and the following montage plays: 

A new male teacher looks resigned. Pan over to his students, who include Daria, Jane, Kevin, Brittany, Upchuck, and most of the rest of the gang in Daria's class. 

The teacher is in Principal Li's office, with narrowed eyes, and regards Li, who is yakking in grandiose terms, with a look of tired incredulity. 

Pizza King. The teacher is grading papers while hoisting a slice with pepperoni, bacon, onions, anchovies, and sun dried tomatoes. Pan to Daria, Jane, and Tom's booth. Daria is suspicious, Jane is startled, and Tom's face is neutral. 

A dance. The teacher approaches Claire DeFoe and says something. She blushes and takes his hand. Pan to Upchuck with a camera snapping a picture. 

The classroom again. The teacher pulls a sleeping Kevin's face up by his hair, removes some googly-eyed groucho glasses from his face, folds them, then drops Kevin's face back on his desk. Pan to Daria, Jane, and Jodie's approving glances. 

The Zen. Mystik Spiral is thrashing on stage, and Trent is singing like his life depends on it. Pan to the audience where one of the patrons is the teacher, who's looking rather unimpressed. 

Daria is at a street corner with Tom, who is speaking. He stops talking, his tongue cleaving to the roof of his mouth. At the exact same instant, she acquires a cold, angry look, says something between clinched teeth, and stalks out of the shot. 

The Zen. The teacher is up on stage and apparently doing a monologue. Pan to the audience, which includes Daria, Jane, and Mystik Spiral. Everybody is laughing except Daria. 

Close-up of Daria Smirking, which acquires an oval around it. Zoom into the Daria Logo. Super: Daria in: 

**T.P.A.**1   
A Piece of Daria Fan Fiction by Ben Breeck   
Episode 1:11 of The New Teacher Series. 

  


Scene: Establishing Exterior shot of Lawndale High. Cut to Daria and Jane in Janet Barch's Homeroom. 

Jane: Daria, that was rather mean, even for you. You should have given him another chance.2 

Daria: I already had given him another chance. If Tom's not the type to realize I'd never cheat on him with someone like Jimmy by the time we'd been dating that long, then he's just not my type. Period. 

Jane: It's an honest reaction. Imagine what my reaction would have been if _I_ had seen that kiss in the Matador. 

Daria: Okay, I admit it. But the thing is, it wasn't _me_, it was _someone else_. I don't ever take the blame for what isn't my fault. Not unless there's some bigtime cash involved. 

Principal Li: (Over the intercom. Startled looks on Daria and Jane's Faces, then pan to the intercom speaker) Attention Please. This is your principal Ms. Li here at LAWNDALE HIGH. I have some announcements to make. First, because of a certain someone who shall remain nameless, LAWNDALE HIGH didn't make it to the postseason this year in football. Lets hope the hockey team has better results. To whomever is spraypainting bells and gift packages on the bathroom mirrors, I can only say that if you don't stop starting today, you will be expelled for sure. And that goes double for the shi-uh student who put vallium in the drug sniffing dogs's water bowl. Finally, I would like to congratulate the Academic team for their record, now 7-0. There will be a PTA meeting on Wednesday. Oh, and the rumor going around that the hamburger used in the cafeteria is contaminated with bacteria is totally false. Besides, that germ is already inside each and everyone of us anyway.3 That is all. 

Cut back to Daria and Jane getting up as the bell rings. 

Daria: Well that's a relief. And to think I was brown bagging canned sardines, Vegimite, and prunes for nothing. 

Jane: Well I suppose that explains all the recent absences. And here I thought that a wave of truancy had swept our noble institution. 

Daria: And I thought that maybe Artie was on the right track. 

Daria and Jane: (In Chorus) Nahh... 

Cut to:   


Scene: Mr. DeMartino's Room. Mr. DeMartino is in front of the class holding a piece of paper. 

DeMartino: If THIS is the BEST that MOST of YOU can do, most of you WILL be SEEING me in THIS class AGAIN. ONCE AGAIN, the CAMP David ACCORDS were NOT a LIMITED-EDITION Honda AUTOMOBILE. 

Cut to Quinn and Stacy. 

Stacy: So, what did Ms. Barch say. 

Quinn: She said that she would bring someone to help me with that presentation. 

Stacy: Really? 

Quinn: Yeah. You know, Stacy, I feel really good about this. 

Stacy: Think it will improve the food? 

Quinn: There's only one way to find out. 

Cut to the intercom speaker 

Principal Li: Quinn Morgendorffer, Please report to my office immediately. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Quinn walking into Principal Li's office. Cut to a smiling Angela Li. 

Li: Good afternoon Ms. Morgendorffer. Do sit down. Do sit down. 

Cut to Quinn sitting down in front of Li's desk. 

Quinn: Ms. Li, what's this all about? 

Cut to Li. 

Li: This is a matter of trivialities. 

Cut to Quinn 

Quinn: Huhh? 

Cut to Li. 

Li: A while back, Just before the homecoming game, to be exact, Coach McNulty received a cell phone call from someone who's voice was electronically altered.4 It gave him some... juicy information involving the Football Field of LAWNDALE HIGH. The voice attempted to blackmail the coach to try to keep him silent. (Cut to Quinn's incredulous face) It was too brief to trace, but the electronic disguise was easily pierced. It turned out to be one Charles Ruttheimer III. So we checked the records of his cell phone and discovered numerous calls both incoming and outgoing to your personal number at your house. (Quinn slowly facefaults) The most recent call you received from him was from the cabin phone near the county line, the one he was hiding out from after escaping juvenile detention, a week before Thanksgiving.5 (Cut back to a triumphant Angela Li) I see I'm making some headway here. 

Cut to Quinn. 

Quinn: What does this mean? 

Cut to Li. 

Li: Fixing homecoming is a serious matter, but since it brought glory to LAWNDALE HIGH, I am willing to overlook it. Aiding and abetting an escapee from a Juvenile facility is another matter, except that since it didn't take place on school grounds and you didn't do it on school time, it technically isn't any of my business. It is the business of the local Texas Rangers station and other law enforcement officials, however. To put it bluntly, if you don't report your findings at the appointed time, neither will I. Now, rather than belabor this matter, I will simply send you back to class. 

Commercial Break. Stinger: Quinn facefaulting.   


Scene: Daria's Room. Daria is at her computer typing something out. Pan over to a knock on the door. Cut back to Daria. 

Daria: Come in, unless you're Tom. 

Cut to the door, where Quinn opens it and steps through. Maintain the shot while she is talking until she reaches Daria. 

Quinn: Daria, I need help. 

Daria: What's this about? 

Quinn: Well, Ms. Li's trying to blackmail me. 

Daria: And this is news because? 

Quinn: Daria, this is serious. I could go to jail because of it. 

Daria: No, they'll just stick you in a reform school with Upchuck. (Notices Quinn's reaction.) But not if I can help it. Is this about the report you are going to give at the P.T.A. meeting? 

Quinn Nods 

Daria: I see. How is it that Ms. Li could get you arrested. 

Quinn: Remember my revenge for those rumors I didn't start?6 

Daria: I remember you talking to me about it. I also didn't want to hear a word about it. 

Quinn: Well, my revenge happened during halftime at the homecoming game.7 

Daria: What does that mean- (Facefaults) You mean that Sandi and Jeffy slipping and falling when being presented to the judges was your doing? 

Quinn nods. 

Daria: (Slowly regaining composure) Hmm. On one hand, fixing the Homecoming game, however inadvertently, is pretty low. Especially since Kevin was placed on academic probation. On the other hand, I never really cared for Sandi and she _did_ start this thing. (Face Hardening) Then there's the fact that I can never forgive Ms. Li for that cruise ship casino night8 or the poster contest for _Waif_.9 (Sighs) Okay, I'll do it. (Beat) But next time, Quinn, think about the consequences of your actions. 

Quinn looks kind of stunned. 

Daria: What's the matter, Quinn? Cat got your tongue? 

Quinn: Uh... Thank you Daria. 

Daria: (Mona Lisa Smile) You're welcome, sis. 

Cut to:   


Montage: Music: _Just a Girl_ by No Doubt. 

Split Screen Between Daria and Jodie talking on the phone. Close Daria's window as Jodie hangs up and wheels to her computer, typing up a storm on it and clicking the mouse heavily. 

Daria poring over stacks of blueprints at the Public Library. Pan around her table, where the books deal with videotape editing. 

Daria is at her room, on the net, clicking her mouse something furious. Pan to the printer, which is printing at warp speed. 

Daria is at the bank. She signs a form and is handed some dollar bills. 

Joey is in Principal Li's office, sitting down and surreptitiously taking Polaroid Captiva pictures of the desk and filing cabinets while Ms. Li is yakking about nothing much. 

Daria is grimacing while peeling off dollar bills and handing them to Ted. 

Quinn is on the phone, talking to Stacy. 

Daria at an office supply store, at the checkout lane with a filing cabinet. 

Lane Residence, downstairs Quinn inserts a hairpin into a file cabinet keyhole, gives it a slight turn and a slight wiggle. Pan to Daria and Jane, who smile proudly. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Sidewalk. Daria and Quinn are walking along. 

Quinn: The presentation is tonight. Are you sure this will work? 

Daria: As long as there are no complications. When will you speak? 

Quinn: Well, I and Ms. Barch's friend will be up on stage at 7:00, just after the first coffee and doughnut break. 

Daria: I see. That will give us a forty minute window. I'll tell Ted. 

Quinn: Think I ought to do some more lock picking practice? 

Daria: No, better brush up on your presentation instead. 

Quinn: Daria, thank you for for doing this. This cost a lot of money and you even missed an academic team study session for me. 

Daria: (Mona Lisa Smile) Actually, Mr. Breeck canceled it due to the PTA Meeting. 

Quinn: Really? 

Daria nods. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Split Screen between Daria's Room and the DeWitt-Clinton Kitchen. Daria and Ted are talking on the phone. 

Daria: And we need to be out of there by six fifty at the latest. 

Ted: No problem. The office locks won't activate until eight. 

Daria: What about the security camera? 

Ted: Piece of cake. I simply edited in a part of last week's tape in. Made that section read only. Even changed the time stamp to look right. 

Daria: Is there anything you can't do? 

Ted: I may be a wiz at doctoring videotapes, but even I can't change what the people watching the first run closed circuit TV see. 

Daria: Don't worry. One of them will be busy with his Game Boy, racking up as much points on Tetris as possible, while the other will be busy building a belly button lint sculpture. Well, thanks again. 

Ted: Hey, considering what you're paying me, this had better work. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Evening Establishing Shot of Lawndale High, Exterior. Cut to the Auditorium, where Anthony DeMartino is rapping a gavel on a podium to try to get attention against the background murmuring.. 

DeMartino: ATTENTION, ATTENTION you ANIMALS, (Raps the gavel again three times) I said ATTENTION! (Continues to rap the gavel) 

Zoom out somewhat, to reveal Ben Breeck, Claire DeFoe, Timothy O'Neill Janet Barch and several other unknown faculty members sitting in a row of chairs behind DeMartino. Conspicuously absent is Angela Li. Cut to a section of that row. 

One of the Female Teachers: Is Angela always this late, or is this an aberration? 

Timothy O'Neill: She's never been this late before. 

DeMartino: I SAID I want ORDER! 

Quick Cut to long shot of the stage. Janet Barch puts two fingers into her mouth an whistles shrilly, silencing the crowd. 

DeMartino: THANK you, Janet. NOW, To the FIRST order of BUSINESS. The BOARD of EDUCATION has JUST Announced that YEAR ROUND SCHOOL is to be IMPLEMENTED starting in TWO YEARS. 

Cut to That woman teacher and Timothy O'Neill. 

Female Teacher: (Thought Voice Over) I wonder what's keeping her? 

Cut to:   


Scene: Angela Li's Automobile, through the windshield. 

Li: _Beep _this rush hour traffic! It's never been this bad before. I'm already late. (Honks the horn a few times.) Hey, you _Beep Beep_, keep on moving! The light's still yellow, for crying out loud. 

As Li continues to honk and swear at traffic, we cut to the car, which is in bumper to bumper traffic at a busy intersection between a four lane road and a two lane street. The four lane road has planted pines at regular intervals on a grassy island in the middle. Cut to:   


Scene: Daria and Quinn in the audience. Daria is reading the _Lawndale Sun-Herald_, The headline says "Were we actually propping up Stalin during W.W.II?" Quinn is paging through a copy of _Waif_. 

Daria: (Thought Voice Over) Oh, dear, the journalism of this rag has been going down hill since they hired an assistant producer of _Sick, Sad World_ as executive editor. 

Quinn: (Thought Voice Over) I guess this is an incentive not to be held back. 

Zoom out slightly to put Helen and Jake into the picture. Daria and Quinn look at each other, nod their heads, and turn to a parent. 

Daria: Mom, could I go to the bathroom? 

Quinn: Dad, I need a drink of water. 

Helen. Of course, dear. 

Jake: Sure, kiddo. 

Daria and Quinn exit. 

Jake: I wonder why Daria came to this meeting? She's never been interested in this sort of thing before. 

Helen: Well, Daria did lend a hand to Quinn's presentation. 

Jake: Does this mean that Daria and Quinn are starting to work out their issues? That's great! 

Helen: It _is_ wonderful. To think my daughters are working out their differences by doing a public presentation. (Beat) Jake? 

Jake: Yes Dear? 

Helen: Do you know what this presentation is about? 

Jake: No. I thought you did. 

Helen: Well, I didn't. 

Jake: (Swallows) Well then, do you have any idea as to what it's about? 

Cut to:   


Scene: The Hallway of Lawndale High. Daria and Quinn are walking along. 

Quinn: You sure you have everything? 

Daria: We've gone through this drill three times. 

Quinn: Yeah, you're right. (Beat) So, what are we going to do to keep from getting caught on tape? I don't want to get into hotter water than I already am in. 

Daria: Don't worry. I've made a few special arrangements to keep off candid camera. Besides, considering the bozos in the security room, it might be overkill. 

Cut to:   


Scene: The security room. Bing is sitting in a corner reading an _Elektra_ comic, while the Spatula Man is playing a Game Boy. 

Bing: So, anything up on the monitors? 

Spatula Man: (Looking up at the monitors) Same old same old. I wonder why she hired us to do this gig? 

Bing: It's her money. Look at it this way, it beats covering high school hockey. 

Cut to:   


Scene: The hall, right in front of the Principal's office. Daria and Quinn are at the door to the office, putting on rubber skiing gloves. 

Daria: (Consulting a watch) And with twenty minutes to spare. 

Quinn: Well, time to get what we came for. 

Sound of a throat clearing. Daria and Quinn facefault. Pan to Anthony DeMartino staring angrily at Daria and Quinn, his eye bulging. 

Commercial Break. Stinger: Anthony DeMartino Rapping the Gavel. 

**Commercial:**

**Voice Over: On the next episode of The New Teacher Series, Ben is having problems with his duties as academic team coach.**

**Scene: Principal Li's office. Ben is engaged animatedly in a conversation with Li.**

**Ben: You mean you just sold that bus? And rented out all those other spares to Community Transit every Friday afternoon? Are you nuts?**

**Li: Budget cuts.**

**Voice Over: And it can only get worse before it gets better.**

**Scene: Ben is at the "It's a Nutty, Nutty World" stand, working there. His squirrel hat is on crooked and he looks like he hasn't slept in awhile.**

**Ben: (Sounding more than a little unbalanced) We're just _nuts_ about nuts! (Pulls off his hat and stares into its vacant eyes) Right, Scooter?**

**Voice Over: All this, and Much More, Next Week!**

**End Commercial**

Scene: Establishing Night Shot of Lawndale High School. Cut to the Hallway next to the Principal's office. Anthony DeMartino is still staring angrily at Daria and Quinn. 

DeMartino: I KNEW you two were UP to NO GOOD. I KNEW it. BUT I don't know WHY you HAD to DRAG your sister Quinn into THIS. 

Daria: (Sighing) Okay, you caught us. I guess this means we'll be doing detention for the rest of the year. 

DeMartino: You didn't ANSWER my QUESTION. 

Daria: Well, since you really want to know, Principal Li is blackmailing Quinn to keep her from speaking about the quality of the lunchroom ground beef, or lack thereof. 

Quinn: We were going to dispose of the leverage she has on me. 

DeMartino (Facefaulting): That BITCH! I NEVER liked her. She reminded ME of that SMUG Veterans Administration guy, who said I DIDN'T QUALIFY for disability... 

Daria: (Interrupting) Really? 

DeMartino (Suddenly Grinning) : Of COURSE. SURE I'll help YOU. 

Daria cracks a Mona Lisa Smile, and Quinn beams from ear to ear. 

Cut to:   


Scene: The Home Economics Room. The faculty and the parents have retired for a break there. Jake and Helen are talking to Ben, holding cups of punch. 

Ben: Daria's an incredible student. Her essay on the chicanery that went on during the Crusades was a marvel to behold. She has the highest average in my class right now. 

Jake: You're serious? That's wonderful news. 

Helen: It certainly is. (Beat) So, if you aren't busy, I can arrange a date with Mindy for you. 

Ben: The lady at your firm who defended me?10 No thanks. I'm already taken. 

Helen smiles falsely and grits her teeth. 

Helen: (Thought Voice Over) Well, then, she can't say I didn't try. I'll have to find another partner to do favors for. 

Jake turns his head. Then acquires a concerned expression. 

Jake: Daria, Quinn. You worried me sick. Where did you go? 

Pan to Daria, Quinn, and Anthony DeMartino, who is right behind them. 

Daria: We got turned around, kind of. 

Quinn: It's a good thing Mr. DeMartino found us or we would have been really lost. 

Cut to Jake. 

Jake: Well just glad you two are okay. Hey, Tony, is it? (Walks over to put DeMartino in the shot. Claps DeMartino on the shoulder) How are you? Your colleague has been telling some things about you. Is it really true... 

As Jake's speech blends into the background, cut to Daria and Quinn, who wipe their respective brows with an identical motion. Then they notice this and facefault. 

Cut to:   


Scene: The Auditorium. Anthony DeMartino is up on the podium. Flanking him just behind are Quinn and an unknown woman with her black hair tied into an inberted pony tail. 

DeMartino: And NOW for our NEXT order of BUSINESS. Quinn MORGENDORFFER will now make a PRESENTATION involving her RECENT findings for a BIOLOGY project. ASSISTING her is a MICROBIOLOGIST from the UNIVERSITY of TEXAS at AUSTIN, Dr. Marge SWIFT. 

DeMartino steps away from the podium. Quinn steps up to it. 

Quinn: Thank you very much. Ladies and Gentlemen, I come before you with some shocking news. A week ago, I had a severe bout of nausea. I feared that it was a new strain of stomach flu, or something much worse. As it turned out, it was something different. Ms. Swift, if you could please turn off the stage lights and turn on the slide projector? 

Lights go off. Cut to two second scenes of Quinn talking interspersed with a clock, where the second hand is moving at warp speed, as Billy Joel's _We Didn't Start The Fire_ plays. At the end of the second refrain, cut back to Quinn and end the song. 

Quinn: So as you can see, this is not a strain of intestinal bacteria, but a closely related pathogen that definitely should _not_ be colonizing students' and teachers' digestive systems. Lights Please? 

Lights come back on. Quinn collects her papers and returns to her seat. Anthony DeMartino returns to the podium. 

DeMartino: Very ENLIGHTENING, Miss MORGENDORFFER. Now, are there any COMMENTS from ANYONE? Ah, MICHELLE LANDON. 

Pan to Michelle Landon walking down the isle, ascending the stage, and walking over to the podium. Cut to Daria next to her parents. 

Daria: (Thought Voice Over) Michelle Landon, come on down! You're the next contestant on _The Price is Right_! 

Cut to Michelle Landon at the podium. 

Michelle Landon: This action is unbelievable. All this time they have been worse than poisoning my Jodie. I could have sent her to Grove Hills11 or Fielding, and instead I thought I could save money and insure that she learned valuable lessons about socialization. I move that a copy of the minutes of this meeting be sent to the state Department of Education and that a second copy be sent to the State Attorney General! 

Michelle exits the shot. DeMartino returns to the podium. 

DeMartino: ANYONE want to SECOND that MOTION? 

O'Neill: (Offscreen) Sure, I'll do it. 

DeMartino: Then I YIELD the FLOOR to TIMOTHY. 

DeMartino walks over to his seat, and O'Neill gets behind the podium. 

O'Neill: It takes a lot to make me blow my top, but this is absolutely outrageous. I not only second it, I volunteer to deliver them personally at the start of Christmas Vacation next Saturday. 

Roar of approval. Wipe to the Lawndale High Parking Lot, where people are getting into their cars. Cut to Principal Li's car pulling into a space and Angela Li running out of it, forgetting to close the door. 

Li: No, No, You can't start the meeting yet, you can't! 

Li runs into Timothy O'Neill and they both fall down. 

Li: (Scrambling to get up) Stop it, Please! 

Zoom out to put DeMartino in the shot. 

DeMartino: Too late, ANGELA, your dirty SECRET'S out. And to THINK that you had to RESORT to BLACKMAILING a STUDENT! For SHAME. 

Li begins weeping. Pan to Daria looking on with a Mona Lisa Smile. 

Jane: (Off Screen) Yo, Daria. 

Daria looks behind, pan to Jane walking up Maintain the shot as she reaches Daria. 

Daria: I thought you were on a hot date at the wax museum with Isaac. 

Jane: The place closed. Something about a record heat wave and a broken air conditioner. It sounded like _beep_ to me. So I and Isaac, we kind of toilet papered it. And the operation? 

Daria: A success. So, how is Mystik Spiral doing, or should I ask? 

Jane: Okay, although they barely made one recording session, and that nearly invoked some of the worse clauses of the contract. 

Daria: Really? 

Jane: It was the week before Thanksgiving. Jesse was the one carrying Upchuck, that incident that got on _Sick, Sad World_.12 (As Jane says this part, Daria Facefaults.) Turned out he was doing it for Quinn of all people. He was Damn lucky he didn't land in the big house himself. 

Daria: (Ominous Tone) Really? 

Jane: I thought you knew, Daria. Daria? 

Daria turns and exits the shot. Cut to Daria approaching Quinn with a grim expression. 

Quinn: Daria, There you are. Mom was looking for you. You do want to ride home don't you? 

Daria: Why didn't you tell me about _Upchuck_? I _knew_ that Principal Li had more on you than just fixing a game. Especially since it was in Lawndale's favor. 

Quinn: But I thought... 

Daria: (Interrupting) Quinn, in all my time here at this- ahem- institution of secondary education, only two faculty members have even come close to giving me a good experience with education. Upchuck tried to send one of them up the river. Why did you do it? No, don't answer that one, I don't want to know. And I thought that we were finally being _sisters_! Don't ever come to me for help ever again, even if it's life or death! 

Daria stalks off. Quinn has a numb, open-mouthed, uncomprehending expression. 

Roll Credits. Theme: _Be True to Your School_ by the Beach Boys. 

Makeovers: 

Daria as Lara Croft. 

Quinn as Cate Archer 

Stacy as a Ghurka 

Ted DeWitt-Clinton as Q (The Gadgeteer for Ian Flemming's take on the MI5) 

Anthony DeMartino as Mr. Clark 

Timothy O'Neill as Jack Ryan 

Michelle Landon and Helen as Bambi and Thumper from _Diamonds are Forever_. 

Angela Li as Frau Krebbs 

Daria Logo 

Notes: 

1. For those of you who don't get the joke, the title is a play on "T.P." which is something that Beavis as Cornholio needs. 

2. The incident happened in question happened in TNTS 1:10: Strained Relations. 

3. That was also revealed in TNTS 1:10: Strained Relations. 

4. From Homecoming Dunce. 

5. During the events of Roasted, Prime Chuck. 

6. She didn't start any rumors in Family Junk Bonds. 

7. This was indirectly referred to in Homecoming Dunce. 

8. From _Just Add Water_. 

9. From _Arts and Crass_. 

10. Mindy Riorden defended my fanfic persona in Courtroom Trauma. 

11. That option came up in _Gifted_. 

12. That detail was part of Roasted, Prime Chuck. 


	12. The Nutty, Nutty Professor

Disclaimer:

The Characters of Daria Morgendorffer, Quinn Morgendorffer, Jane Lane, Trent Lane, Jesse Moreno, Nick Campbell, Max Tyler, Kevin Thompson, Michael Jordan "Mack" MacKenzie, Brittany Taylor, Jodie Landon, Angela Li, Anthony DeMartino, and many more, even if not mentioned here, are the Creation of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis and Copyright MTV Studios. This story is in no way to be construed as a challenge to said copyright. 

Some of the events and persons mentioned in this fanfic did happen and do exist, but have been somewhat fictionalized. I myself have diverged from the alternate self shown here sometime in 1996. To those of you who may be offended, remember: this is a cartoon. This is not and could never be real. 

Permission is granted to repost, republish, or retransmit this work in any way, shape, or form as long as these disclaimers remain intact, and no one except Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, MTV Studios, or Viacom, the parent of MTV receive financial remuneration. 

Historians' Note: This story and its sequels take place in lieu of the prospective Season Five. 

Opening Sequence: 

Splendora's _You're Standing On My Neck_ has been replaced by _Man on the Moon_ by REM, and the following montage plays: 

A new male teacher looks resigned. Pan over to his students, who include Daria, Jane, Kevin, Brittany, Upchuck, and most of the rest of the gang in Daria's class. 

The teacher is in Principal Li's office, with narrowed eyes, and regards Li, who is yakking in grandiose terms, with a look of tired incredulity. 

Pizza King. The teacher is grading papers while hoisting a slice with pepperoni, bacon, onions, anchovies, and sun dried tomatoes. Pan to Daria, Jane, and Tom's booth. Daria is suspicious, Jane is startled, and Tom's face is neutral. 

A dance. The teacher approaches Claire DeFoe and says something. She blushes and takes his hand. Pan to Upchuck with a camera snapping a picture. 

The classroom again. The teacher pulls a sleeping Kevin's face up by his hair, removes some googly-eyed groucho glasses from his face, folds them, then drops Kevin's face back on his desk. Pan to Daria, Jane, and Jodie's approving glances. 

The Zen. Mystik Spiral is thrashing on stage, and Trent is singing like his life depends on it. Pan to the audience where one of the patrons is the teacher, who's looking rather unimpressed. 

Daria is at a street corner with Tom, who is speaking. He stops talking, his tongue cleaving to the roof of his mouth. At the exact same instant, she acquires a cold, angry look, says something between clinched teeth, and stalks out of the shot. 

The Zen. The teacher is up on stage and apparently doing a monologue. Pan to the audience, which includes Daria, Jane, and Mystik Spiral. Everybody is laughing except Daria. 

Closeup of Daria Smirking, which acquires an oval around it. Zoom into the Daria Logo. Super: Daria in: 

**The Nutty, Nutty Professor**   
A Piece of Daria Fan Fiction by Ben Breeck   
Episode 1:12 of The New Teacher Series 

  


Scene: Establishing Shot of Lawndale High. Cut to Principal Li's office. Mr. Breeck is ranting at Principal Li. 

Ben: You mean you just sold that bus? And rented out all those other spares to Community Transit every Friday afternoon? Are you nuts? 

Li: Budget cuts. How else are we to raise the money to pay for the decontamination of the school lunch kitchen and afford that better beef that judge ordered us to get?1 

Ben: Property taxes? School bonds? 

Li: Well, Benjamin, you aren't me. Nobody with any property worth taxing wants the taxes raised any higher, seeing as how Proposition 56 went down the tubes. And school bonds would make LAWNDALE HIGH too beholden to outside intrests, like the state treasurer. No, both ideas are out. 

Ben: You keep talking about how the academic team is bringing honor to the school. Right now, it is the only extracuricular activity that has an undefeated record. 

Li: Well, _you_ were the one whose grade placed our star quarterback on academic probation.2 

Ben: So, what do you expect me to do? 

Li: You could always try carpooling. 

Ben: Is there any way I can work this out? 

Li: Only if you are willing to... ahem take a large pay cut. 

Ben buries his face in his hand and shakes it, sighing. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Sidewalk: Daria and Jane are walking along. 

Daria: So, the good news is that we won't have to worry about busses with blown out tires, but that's also the bad news. 

Jane: Why does this always have to happen to us? Karma? 

Daria: I just knew that in a previous life I must have been an ardent follower of Shabbatai Zevi. 

Jane: Or maybe a stoolpidgeon for the Spanish Inquisition. (Giggles) So, who do you think we will be travelling with, the Landons or the Farlands? 

Daria: Well, either way, we both have to listen to tales of woe as parents attempt to force their children into a Procrustean mold. (Beat) I just don't know. On one hand, Derrick has the proper outlook on life, on the other, he swears worse than Beavis and Butt-Head. 

Jane: But Derrick's mom drives a Grand Caravan. We could really stretch out. (Cut to Daria's Adamant face, Cut back to Daria and Jane) Okay, Okay. I really don't blame you for not liking his foul mouth. So does this mean we ride with Jodie? 

Daria: Actually, I was planing to take a cue from the Triple Demons of Compromise out of _The Phantom Tolbooth_. We are going to go with the DeWitt-Clintons. 

Jane: And you are doing this because? 

Daria: (Mona Lisa Smile) Well, if you are going to be wacky, be wacky all the way. 

Jane: Speaking of wacky, Mr. Breeck has been acting really strange. 

Daria: You mean he's starting to catch up to the fact that he isn't really doing that much good, thus joining the rest of the faculty in this revelation? 

Jane: I wonder what's going on? 

Cut to: 

Claire DeFoe's Loft, Interior Claire is watching Geraldo Reveira on CNBC discuss the end of the presidential electoral deadlock. The phone rings. Claire gets up and picks it up. 

Claire: Hello? (Beat) Oh, It's you, Ben. (Beat) I'm fine. And you? (Beat) I see. (Beat) Well, not much. Watching TV, doing lesson plans. Sketching. That sort of thing. And you? (Beat) Really? That's nice. Ben, I've been really wanting to talk about this menu you've planned for Saturday. (Beat) Yeah, that. Thai Peanut Salad, with Indoneasian Chicken Peanut Curry, and Almond Pudding with Pecan Pie. It seems a little over the top. (Beat) I see. Well, then, I'll try to maintain an open mind and mouth. See you tomorrow. 

Cut to: 

Scene: Lawndale Mall. Ben is working at the "It's a Nutty, Nutty World" stand Daria was at in "It Happened One Nut." He has just put down a phone. 

Ben: (Sounding somewhat crazed) Peanuts! Get your Fresh Roasted Peanuts! Almond Clusters! We have Pecan treats too. Peanuts! Get 'em right here while the gettin's good. 

Commercial Break. Stinger: Ben burying his face in his hand. 

Scene: Split Screen between the Lane kitchen and Isaac's Apartment. Jane and Isaac are talking on the phone. 

Jane: So they're back to fighting like cats and dogs. 

Isaac: Too bad. Anything else intresting happen. 

Jane: Well, Ms. Li has just been forced to clean up the school kitchen and change the ground beef suppliers. 

Isaac: Really? I thought that story was just an artifact of the _Lawndale Sun-Herald_'s new editorial direction. 

Jane: It's true. And the first thing to get the axe was the Academic Team's bus. We are stuck with carpooling, except that there seem to be shortfalls in coverage. 

Isaac: You mean that she's shortchanging the most successful school competition? No way! 

Jane: Way, and it's driving mine and Daria's favorite teacher up the wall. You remember Mr. Breeck, right? 

Isaac: Hey, I'm his brother's best friend. Remember _Little Nicky_?3 

Jane: Well, he's the coach of the Academic team, too. 

Isaac: I sure hope he dosen't burn out. 

Jane: You and me both. 

Cut to:   


Scene: Lawndale Mall Kevin Thompson and Brittany Taylor (In their respective uniforms) are walking along, in an animated conversation. 

Brittany: But, Kevie, you stood me up! I trusted you and you forgot _Chez Pierre_! 

Kevin: But, Babe! I was at the hospital. Dad's still in a coma. 

Brittany: Kevie, He's been there for almost two _months_! Can't he get out soon? 

Kevin: Babe, the doctors are working hard as they can. (sighs) 

Brittany: Kevie, what's wrong? 

Kevin: (Swollows) The health insurance is running out. The Docs say that Dad had better wake up before New Years, or else. 

Brittany: Or else what Kevie? 

Kevin: They didn't say. 

Brittany: I see. (Turning her head and pointing) Hey, it's your best friend. 

Kevin: Yo, Mack-Daddy. 

Cut to a wider angle to put Mack in the shot. 

Mack: I told you not to call me that. 

Kevin: So, what are you doing here? 

Mack: I'm looking for an extra special present for Jodie. And you? 

Kevin: That's cool. I was going to get a get well card for Dad, to pass around. 

Mack: I see. (Beat) Kevin, would you and Brittany like to come with me to _Lycra and Lace_4 to see if I can find some number for Jodie? 

Kevin: Sorry, Mack Daddy, but I'm afraid that... 

Brittany(finishing): We really don't know her size. 

Kevin: Besides. I'd bet she'd really like it if you just pick it out yourself. 

Brittany: Or better yet, you can get her a gift certificate and then _you_ can be the one surprised. 

Mack: (Shrugging his shoulders) Okay. (Exits the shot) 

Cut to a tighter shot, as Kevin and Brittany continue walking. 

Brittany: Maybe my Dad can help out. It's not as if we are poor, you know. 

Kevin: Really? (Beat) But what happens after he wakes up? 

Brittany: Well, that can be between my Dad and your Dad. 

Kevin: Okay. (Beat. Points) Hey, it's Coach. 

Brittany: (Turining her head) That's not _your_ coach, Kevie. Hey, Mr. Breeck! 

Pan to Ben at the Stand. His squirrel hat is on lopsided. 

Ben: Hey folks, welcome to _It's a Nutty, Nutty World_! We're just _nuts_ about nuts! (Pulls off the squirrel hat and stares into its eyes) Right, Scooter? 

Cut back to Kevin and Brittany. 

Brittany: Oh, well, I think we can talk to him later. 

Kevin: Okay, Babe. 

They both exit the shot. Cut to Quinn and and David, also in the mall. 

Quinn: We'll need some candles, and some incense too. 

David: Aren't you taking this a little too seriously? 

Quinn: I've been doing a lot of thinking about this Haunakah. I do belive that what happened this spring, especially at Brittany's house, was no coincidence. 

David: It's just that, well... 

Quinn: David, I don't talk about your parents, so please don't talk about this, Okay? 

David: Okay, (Switching the subject) So, what do you think Daria would want for Christmas? I know you two don't celebrate it, but I do. 

Quinn: I think that book, _The Darwin Awards_ might be right up her alley. 

David: It might clear up that nasty spat you two had, too. 

Quinn: I hope so. (Points) Say, isn't that Daria's Teacher over there? 

Cut to Ben scooping peanuts into baggs for customers. 

Ben: I hope you have had a nutty time here at _It's a Nutty, Nutty World_, I know I have! 

Cut back to Quinn and David. 

Quinn: I wonder what's going on with him? 

David: Maybe this is how he afforded al those textbooks for Daria's class. 

Quinn: I don't know. This is the first time I've seen him here. 

David Shrugs. 

Cut to: 

Montage: Theme: _My Little Demon_ by Fleetwood Mac. 

Ben is at the stand, filling orders. His eyes are rotating in their sockets like a chameleon's. 

Ben is at home, in bed. Zoom in to his face, where we see that he looks like a victim of Smilex Poisoning. 

Ben is lecturing in class, wearing his squirrel hat. Pan to Daria and Jane, who are looking at each other in alarm. Pan over to the Doorway, where Angela Li is beaming from ear to ear. 

Ben is at the stand again, looking even more demented. Pan over to Kim, who gasps. 

Split screen between Ben's Trailer and Clair DeFoe's Loft. Ben is jibbering incoherently, while Claire is looking increacingly alarmed. 

Scene: Lawndale Mall. Jane and Isaac are walking along. 

Isaac: So, do you have any Christmas presents for Trent yet? 

Jane: Well, the only gift I could think of giving him would be new instruments, except that i'm cutting into school as it is. Do you have any ideas for Shannon? 

Isaac: I already sent it. It was a $50 gift certificate for the Paisley Peacock, for the next chance she goes to a big city. 

Jane: I see. (Points) Hey, look. There's Mr. Breeck. 

Isaac: Hey, Ben, how are the kids treating you? 

Pan to Ben, who's Squirrel hat is on lopsided. 

Ben: Oh, just fine, Isaac, it's the rest of the world that has gone to hell. 

Nut Store Manager: (Off Screen) Ben, Could we talk in my office? 

Ben: As you can see, I'm rather busy, I'll see you two later. 

Pan back to Jane and Isaac 

Isaac: Sure thing. 

Cut to:   


Scene: The Nut Store Manager's Office. The Nut Store Manager is behind the desk. 

Manager: Mr. Breeck, I've seen you work and, well... 

Ben: Yes? 

Manager: It's disturbing. You sound like you mean the slogan, but not the meaning of the slogan. 

Ben: What are you telling me? 

Manager: I realise that this will put you far short of your financial goal, but I really have no choice but to let you go. To put it succinctly, you're scaring off all the customers. 

Ben: I see. 

Manager: And I really think you need to seek professional help. 

Ben: (Smiling Insincerely) Thank you. 

Ben Exits the shot. Cut to Long evening shot of Lawndale Mall, where a man's voice is screaming. It slowly builds in pitch to a falsetto before dying off. 

Commercial Break. Stinger: Ben conversing with his squirrel hat. 

**Commercial**

**Voice Over: On the next Episode of The New Teacher Series, Some old problems are coming home to roost for a few people.**

**Scene: Angela Li is looking shocked as she reads a piece of paper.**

**Voice Over: Some more literally than others.**

**Scene: Jane with Isaac, looking stunned, pointing. Pan over to a flock of turkeys milling around and gobbling.**

**Scene: All this and much more, next week!**

Scene: Ben's trailer, bedroom. Slowly going in and out of focus. Cut to Ben in his bed, blinking twice and reaching for his glasses. He looks at his bedside clock and gasps. 

Ben: (Thought Voice Over) Oh, No! Got to get to work! 

He scrambles up. Cut to:   


Scene: Lawndale High, the hallway. Ben is walking out of the Teacher's Lounge, a look of desperation. His (button down) shirt is on backwards, and his shoes and socks don't match. 

Ben (Thought Bubble) I can't take it. I just want to-What is this? 

Cut to bulitin board which shows the following sign: 

This Thursday Night at the Zen after 9:00 is Open Mike! 

Be There or Be Square! 

Cut to Ben 

Ben: Hmm... 

Cut to:   


Scene: Establishing evening shot of the Zen. Cut to Kim and Claire DeFoe standing in line. 

Kim: Ben called me too. 

Claire: Why did he want us to meet here? 

Kim: I don't know. I've never been here before. 

Claire: This had better not be about sharing him with you. I've done that before... 

Kim: You needn't worry. He's a one woman man. 

Claire: I'm not sure I like the sound of that. 

Cut to:   


Scene: The Zen, interior. Up on stage is Mystik Spiral. 

Trent: We're Mystik Spiral signing off. You can get our album at Sound by the Pound. 

Cut to Daria and Jane in the audience. 

Daria: So, figured out what you are doing for Christmas Vacation yet? 

Jane: Well, I was planning on going to Arizona with Isaac to see his sister. 

Daria: Well, if you see cacti on sale, why not send one my way? 

Jane: Sure thing. (Beat) You know, Daria, Mr. Breeck seemed awfully cheerful today. 

Daria: Really? 

Jane: Yeah. It's almost as if he had turned a corner. 

Daria: Welll, the Renaissance _was_ supposed to have been his favorite period. 

Jane: I still wouldn't rule the possibility out that he's decided to go postal and is just waiting for the oportune moment. 

Daria: I wouldn't put it past him, but then I don't put very much past myself, either, if you know what I mean. 

Jane: Too true. 

Daria: Who do you think will entertain me for that one half-hour before I leave for home? 

Jane: Your guess is as good as mine. (Pointing) Hey, look who it is! 

Daria Looks up on stage, and gasps. Cut to Ben, who looks much better dressed. On stage is a pitcher of water and a shot glass. 

Ben: (Conversational Tone) Hello, my name is Benjamin Lundy Breeck and I have a problem with drugs. (Furiously Angry, more so than DeMartino) **Whenever I See A Bag Of Cocaine, Or Speed, Or Heroin, I Want To Kick It Around, And Cuss It Out, And Beat It Sensless, And Flush It Down The Toilet!** (Conversational tone) I also have a drinking problem. (picks up the shotglass and splashes his face with it.) See? Well as you may or may not know, I'm a teacher at Lawndale High, or as the principal referrs to it, LAWNDALE HIGH. Say it. 

Audiance: Lawndale High. 

Ben: Say it LOUDER. 

Audience: LAWNDALE HIGH 

Ben: That's right. There'll be a quiz on that later. At Lawndale High, the kids all want to learn... what the Backstreet Boys' hair styling secrets are. They have a lust for the classics, like the Steve Miller Band, Leonard Skinnard, and The Ramones. They all want to know about ancient history too, like the fall of the Berlin Wall. 'Course I should talk. My idea of a graphic novel is John Saul or Bentley Little. 

Cut to the audience, and pan among them, which includes (among others) Daria, Jane, Claire DeFoe, Kim, and Mystik Spiral. Everybody is laughing except Daria, who at this point is still straight faced. Cut back to Ben. 

Ben: Yes, Lawndale High. Lawndale here in Texas. And you know what that means! Football! Anybody who tells you that football players are better than average students had better_ lay off that bong_! (Beat) No, I take that back, the center and backup runningback is a relatively easy guy to work with, but he seems to be the exception that proves the rule. Quarterbacks are the worst, though. (Lecturing Voice) Mr. Thompson, (Vacant expression) uh.. Yes? (Lecturing expression and voice again) What was the significance of Socrates' choice not to escape? (Vacant Expression) I'm the QB? (Lecturing Expression and tone) I see. And why did Plato use Socrates as his viewpoint character in his _Dialogues_? (Vacant Expression Again) He used Socrates, Coach? I thought he would use Mr. Mouth! (Wan Smile, Sighs) Finally, Mr. Thompson, what did Octavian Caesar say when he declared the Principate? (Vacant Expression) Was it _"Pizza Pizza," _Coach? I know, it's _"Tonight I'm gonna party like its 1999!"_ (Exasperated Face) It's like pulling teeth!. (Normal Face) And the worst part of it is that I know he can do better. I saw him once out on a practice field. He has more options up his sleave than a salad bar. And he can read defensive formations as if they were _Dick and Jane are Friends_. Yes, Lawndale High. Where the only thing worse than the students is the principal. Let me tell you about her. She has so many different dogs there, you'd think she was trying to open a kennel. There are guard dogs, guard dogs to guard the guard dogs, attack dogs, defence dogs, bomb dogs, drug dogs, and dogs specifically trained to spot those dogs that are out of place. (Rolls eyes right ad left) I wonder why she needs all these dogs around? Something to do with her social life? There are much better things to spend the budget on. Like textbooks, and lab materials... and computers. Did you know that the computer labs are equiped with the latest Commodore PETs and NeXT machines? I kid you not! But does she spend it on that? No! She spends it on guard dogs, guard dogs to guard the guard dogs, attack dogs, defence dogs, bomb dogs, drug dogs, and dogs specifically trained to spot those dogs that are out of place. And Secority cameras, and Motion Detectors, and Metal Detectors. Lawndale High might not be the best place to learn, but at least we won't have a school shooting, except that we just did.5 And where does this take place? 

Audience: (In Chorus) LAWNDALE HIGH 

Ben: Yes it does. Than you, thank you, you've been a great audience. 

Wipe to: Guy in charge of the Zen peeling off Dollar bills and handing them to Ben. Cut to: 

Scene: Daria, Jane, and the Academic team are milling around the school yard. 

Jane: Just think, two entire weeks free of this place. 

Daria: Yeah, now there will be no respite from Dad's traumatic flashbacks. 

Jane: Hey, where are the cars? 

Daria: (Pointing) Look at that? 

Pan to the chartered bus pulling up by the curb. The front doors open and Ben steps out. 

Ben: All Aboard! Nothing but first class for this team from here on in! 

Roll Credits. Theme: _I'm Destroying the World_ by Guttermouth. 

Makeovers: 

Ben as a Ventriloquist Dummy. 

Angela Li as a Vampire 

Kevin Thompson as a Fifties Radio Crooner 

Brittany Taylor as a Pull String Talking Dall 

Quinn as Mary Poppins 

David as Jack Pumpkinhead. 

Daria and Jane as Radio DJs 

Daria Logo.  
  
  
Notes 

1. That happened in our previous episode, T.P.A.

2. He did it in TNTS 1:05 Homecoming Dunce.

3.See TNTS 1:04 Family Junk Bonds. 

4. This Store was mentioned in _The Daria Diaries_. 

5. See Homecoming Dunce ans TNTS 1:06 Courtroom Trauma for more details.. 


End file.
